Ugh…. life. I shouldn’t say that, comparatively– things are really good.
My stupid hand/wrist. Still painful after gardening many days ago. I’ve woken up during the 3-4:00 hour the past two mornings in pain. Gosh I haven’t missed that! I want it to go away. I want to cry tears for days, because I’m so tired of RA. Things were just getting good again. BLAH. Does this mean I won’t be able to garden this summer? Typing this is kind of hard- guess my writing will be affected– POO! Come to think of it, what CAN you do without your hands? Guess I’ll have to dig deep to find out because really I don’t know except for maybe soccer– but I’d probably put my ankle back into a flare.
Stupid work. That job I applied to… well that was a little crazy. I ended up submitting my resume and letter and application on Monday around 6pm. I was feeling nervous that my boss would see it come through and be angry and vindictive-whether I get it or not.
Hubby and I had talked about that and decided I should apply anyway. Our thoughts were that if people got angry over me personally wanting a change- well then that’s not someone I want to work for anyway.
I wasn’t too worried about quitting. Hubby’s job is going well and they’re restructuring. That might work in his favor. Also, his friend who left the company a few years ago contacted him and is interested in hiring him as a contractor. It would be temporary- only 2-3 years probably, but it would be a decent pay increase. This friend is getting a team together and won’t be ready for another 6 months or so- but having that as a backup made me feel more secure.
So about 30 minutes after submitting that application, we were having dinner. Hubby had a really tough day at work, the restructuring is brining out the evil in his boss and it’s become almost unbearable.
He says to me, “I’m sorry, but I might get myself fired.”
I haven’t felt that kind of insecurity in a long time. In my imagination, he got fired- his friend’s company falls though and I’m left jobless also. Then we lose everything.
I didn’t tell him my worries at all, I just told him it’s fine, we’d be okay.
A day later we had a choir concert for our youngest. Walking out, I spotted my boss. I was wearing a hat, put it down a bit and snuck on by her, feeling guilty the whole time.
The next day I revoked my resume, letter and application- and felt good about it. I didn’t do it out of fear of losing my job. I had been thinking about how incredibly difficult this year has been with learning the new systems, and everything else. If I got this position, next year would probably be even worse. I’d have to learn new systems plus ELA curriculum for 9th 10th and 11th grade. Plus I’d have over 100 students to grade, keep peace with families, etc. No thank you.
I still have no idea if my boss saw my stuff come though the email system.
Work is tough in other ways as well.
I arrived Thursday morning and knew that I would be called into the principals office with my nemesis, who shares my first name. I had told her via email that she has been harsh and disrespectful all year to me, and that I not only was competent, but I wanted what’s best for students also. I did this at the end of the day and then shut down my email for the night.
I came in Thursday morning having no idea what her reaction would be (the other teacher). Would she be nice to my face but passive aggressive afterwards, would she be pissed and combative and challenge my accusations? I really had no idea, but knew that it felt damn good to tell her how I feel.
The meeting was fine. She was overly nice, but still complaining behind my back, so I hear.
I wasn’t pissed to hear that, but kind of glad that I didn’t have to listen to her vent or complain.
That day my mentor called me at the end of the day. “I’m just doing a welfare check on you, are you okay?” she asked. I told her what happened and that I was fine.
She and some others are happy to hear that I told her what I did. She is awful in certain ways.
I have compassion for her. She lost her husband suddenly about 6 years ago. I have no idea how she was before that, but have the feeling that maybe she hasn’t dealt with the trauma of losing a spouse.
I used to be terrified of losing my spouse. Especially after a family friend lost her 32 year old husband in an awful auto accident. She had two small kids and I had just gotten married. After that, I was terrified of my husband commute. My heart would race every time I talked to him while he was driving if I heard a loud horn beep.
This got a little better, but then worse again when I lost my mom about 12 years later and I again became terrified of losing anyone.
It’s kind of ironic, this person I can’t stand has my name and is living my worst fear and making my life miserable. She must be a spiritual assignment and is currently my greatest teacher.
I can’t wait to go back and read the lines above and have the insight to what this growth could be, because right now I have no idea.
That’s my update. My life is like a pathetic country song, without the beer.