Unblocked and Writing Again

Day #1067

Last week I found my writing pen! I’ve been blocked for several months and haven’t had any good writing sessions since school started. I’ve tried to write, but it hasn’t felt right and no matter what I did book #3 has been plagued with plot holes and changes. This has been much different than books 1 & 2 where my ideas flowed freely.

I started writing my story, Nova, in 2015, but it was a slow go and I can count the number of times I actually sat down and wrote on one hand. I had a short story published in spring of 2020 (in a book of short stories) and that gave me the motivation and drive I needed to get back to my story. And I did.

The summer of 2020 was empty, sad and magical. I remember one scorching day in July. I was out feeling the water in our pool. The kids were all inside on video games, where they’d been the entire summer, it seemed. Normally, our summer would be filled with scout trips, camping and other activities- but everything was cancelled and we were home for months. I felt so, incredibly sad out there alone on that hot day. I listened to the neighborhood and noted the empty silence. Normally, in July, our street was filled with the sounds of kids– or summer. I think I finally heard a lawn mower in the distance, and that helped me feel more normal, but I’ll never forget that moment and the emptiness that accompanied it.

The entire summer was spent home, and I wrote my story nearly every single day, sometimes up to 8-10 hours. My intuition helped me greatly and continues to help me create this enormous project. I learned to majorly trust my gut, which says this will not be one novel– but a trilogy.

At first it was overwhelming, three novels? I’ve never even written one. But I knew the story, like the back of my hand, and how I wanted to tell it. The first book takes place chronologically after the second one. I don’t know why it has to be told like this, I just know it does, and everytime doubt crosses my mind, I choose to trust.

I finished the bare bones of books 1 and 2 in summer of 2020. It was pure magic. Hours would fly by while I wrote and many times the things that the main characters were going through, would happen to me in real life. It was odd, but kind of awesome. Although, as I write book 3 and writing the biggest climax of the book, I’m worried that some of it will happen. Maybe that’s why I’m blocked- who knows.

Back to my writing pen, which I picked up sometime last week. My third book, Supernova, is finally flowing again! I had two different plots written out and couldn’t decide. A third story line came out of nowhere and I think I’ll be able to use it and have decided which plot to connect it to. I liked both of them, and couldn’t choose, but it looks like only one will work with this new story line, so hopefully I can keep moving this forward.

I used to be determined to get this trilogy published, no matter what, because (as I would always say), I didn’t want my music to die inside me (a Wayne Dyer quote). I feel differently two years later. I’d love to finish this project, but there’s no deadline. Maybe I’ll spend the rest of my life working on the bare bones of this story, but who cares? It makes me happy to write it, so I’m just gonna keep writing and hoping that I can continue to access the amazing ideas that my soul comes up with ❤

The Voices in my Head

It’s been 899 days since I was last in the shackles of Vodka.

I feel free.

Life is so simple, yet so good ❤️

I’m not worried about much these days. And when my worries become unleashed, I pull out my shock collar to put them in their place. My head is no place for anxious thoughts.

I’ve discovered that I have many voices in my head. They all sound just like me, but they aren’t me at all.

Betsy is my addictive voice and she tells me to drink. She has backed down and mostly dormant since I quit drinking, but will be extra powerful if she gets woken up.

Then there’s my ego. That one never shuts up. I mean, I’ll go several days where he is quiet, but the minute I slip up on my self-care, he starts to buzz. The buzz turns into a hum, and then a full blown chatterbox if I don’t keep him in check. He was SUPER loud on the first day of school. Sadly, I failed to recognize the voice was his, and not mine, until bedtime and it affected my day.

Voices that are echos of the past also make an appearance occasionally. I’ll hear my parents, my ex, old teachers, aunts/uncles, etc. These voices of yesterday are almost always negative and degrading. Why can’t the echos of my past just cheer me on?

My favorite voice is my higher self, I call her Sylvie. When I was broken and raw the summer of 2014, she whispered in my ear to buy the Glenda house. She comforts me and gives me really good ideas, especially when I’m in the ‘zone’ which could be during meditation or a workout. Sylvie is the voice that finally got me to quit drinking and embrace this life. To live it, not sleep through it!

That trilogy I’m working on? That’s not really my masterpiece. The credit belongs to Sylvie. I kid you not- she is writing it. If you don’t believe me, ask Stephen King. In his book, On Writing, he describes a ‘presence’ that will show up when you write consistently. When he describes it in more details, I can instantly relate.

I think of my head 5-10 years ago and have to laugh when I compare it to now. This is honestly probably the #1 gift of quitting alcohol. A loud mind can be torturous, and mine was.

A calm mind is everything 😌

Who are the voices in your head?