Several weeks ago, I was reading Gabby Bernstein’s new book, Happy Days. Early in the book, she talks a lot about triggers. I pondered the subject for a while and thought of my triggers. Family parties and family drama was a big one, or used to be. Now I know how to take care of my mental health and can handle these times with little to not stress or lingering emotions– usually. There were some other triggers I thought of as well, but they all seemed to be a thing of the past. Yep! I joyfully exclaimed to myself. I really don’t have any triggers.
Boy, was I wrong.
The following week, I was at a Happy Hour get together with friends. They were drinking but it wasn’t the alcohol that triggered me. A random topic came up that made me feel an incredible amount of shame. It had to do with a family situation, that was related to the topic, but I didn’t share it with my friends. I just sat there feeling shameful for something that wasn’t really even mine.
The next week I talked about it with my BFF from the group, one who is also reading Gabby’s book. I told her that I really don’t know why it made me feel so shameful. “Because it shows that you’re not perfect?” She asked. I thought about it and agreed, that must be it.
It still bothered me after the conversation and I tried so hard to understand my feelings. The conclusion I came to is that actually, People thinking that I’m perfect is my trigger. It’s always bothered me when people say things out of jealousy or envy, especially if I feel it’s not true. So in the Happy Hour situation, I felt like I was hiding something, even though it wouldn’t have even been appropriate to share my story at the time. It felt like a lie– but just would have been so weird and awkward had I said something.
So that consumed a few weeks. Now death is on my mind again.
There is a horrific story from Florida. A 14 year old fell off a ride and died.
This story affected my mind and emotions HUGELY since it happened. At first I thought it was because I have a child around the same age. When I saw a picture of the young man who passed, my emotions became even stronger. I realized later it was probably because my kiddo has a close friend who resembles him.
While off work this week, this story has been in the back of my mind, just like the murder of Kathy Radtke and Jack Keyes. I’m crying for him, and hope he felt no pain. Also crying for his parents, his father found out on social media and the friends who he was with– who will surely be scarred forever- along with the workers at the park.
This time I didn’t give it my energy. Anytime the sad thoughts consumed me, I blessed them and sent them away. I meditated on it and sent blessings to the family. Although part of me wanted to look up the details- I didn’t, and didn’t think I could handle it.
Yesterday a young woman lost her life in a car accident not far from my house. All from a driver not paying attention. The other occupants of her car were fine. But the woman, 28, perished in an instant. Here one second, gone the next.
So I started thinking about the young man again and actually looked at his mom’s and coach’s facebook pages. Some of it made me feel better, and some of it made me feel worse.
I realized that a quirk of mine is to look up Facebook pages of dead people or their relatives to see the awful posts. I don’t know why I do it, death has been a messy topic since my mom told me everyone dies when I was five. I then had a meltdown, and we never spoke about it again. It might explain why she always let me have pets, and always claimed that it helps us learn about death.
The feelings of sadness consumed me yesterday and I couldn’t get the young man and his family out of my head.
I couldn’t sleep and while my mind was running, I remembered the poor little boy who got eaten by an alligator at Disneyland back in 2016. I realized that people dying on vacation, especially children, is a trigger of mine. I simply can’t even imagine coming home without one of my family members- especially a child. But it happens. And life goes on.
Then I remembered something. Early in our marriage, back in 2002, hubby’s (healthy) grandma died of the flu while on a cruise.
This was the first relatable death in my life. This was the first time I saw someone who I had conversed with and had a relationship with in a casket. I remember that it was so hard for me to go in there the first time at her wake and being so upset. Honestly, I hadn’t been in the family very long at this point and wasn’t super close to her, but it was still so hard regardless. Incidentally, she’s buried at the same cemetery as Kathy Radtke.
So I guess these triggers are causing my empathic mind to go crazy. I’ve tried everything this week; meditation, chord plucking, releasing, grounding, etc. It’s still on my mind and I think it’s more hormones than anything at this point, so time should help.
The good part of it is that my sadness did NOT want to be alone yesterday, like it sometimes does. I used my sadness to spend extra time with my kiddos and thanked the deceased for the increased awareness of how precious our time here really is.
Tomorrow I go back to work. Sometimes students come back from a not-so-ideal break at home. I’m usually not one of them, but tomorrow I will be.
Not sure if I mentioned this recently, but the sewer/water project we have going on has been a total nightmare trying to get them to finish. The company is going under and they are getting aggressive with hubby trying to collect the last bit of money. We will pay them when it’s finished, but they supposedly put a lien on our house. They have been just an awful company to deal with (see pics – this is just one of the problems- so much incompetence).
I think we have it figured out now and have others who agreed to finish up the few things that need to be done. But, by the time it’s all done, the original company may sue us, but I’m pretty sure we’ll win (we’ve covered our butts and hubby has kept immaculate records on all conversations, etc). This project started in October and was supposed to take 2-3 weeks!
So all week home, I listened to hubby on the phone with various people and lawyers. All week workers were coming and going with various estimates. It was a tad stressful and I’ll be able to relate to some of the kids tomorrow. We’re part of the “school is an escape” club.
I have to stop now, my hand is bad today and it hurts to type this. AIP went okay, but I just practiced so I didn’t cut out things 100% yet. The good news is that my family likes my dinners MUCH better AIP style! (They’re used to me making quinoa, tofu, all those disgusting things, LOL).
I was going to start tomorrow but might put it off. I want to be well planned with meals and ingredients but not sure that’s going to happen today.
So until I try this, I have no right complaining about my hand. It’s time to put down the donuts!
Namaste ❤ and if anyone has any advice for me when I have overwhelming empathic thoughts- please spam me with them 🙂