Life feels so much better than it did a few weeks ago 🤪 For the first time in weeks, I felt joy early this morning. The kind of joy that comes from listening to a good song and feeling so grateful, for this life, and brings tears to your eyes.
I don’t think I’ve written this yet, but I’ve been sort of suicidal these past few weeks. I lost my mom suddenly at 37, which destroyed my life for a while- and because of losing her– I would never ever do anything to myself that would bring that same pain to my family. So, I’m never worried about killing myself. But.. reading about how lymphedema can be caused by a blood clot, I’ve occasionally thought that if it was a clot, and it traveled to my lungs or brain- and killed me, well that would be okay with me. Sometimes I wished it.
I always think back to our mountain vacation. Much of the pain I felt (mostly legs/knees) was new and scary- I was constantly pushing the fears out of my head and trying to live normally. In reality, I missed out on activities and sometimes felt as though I was an imposter, going through the motions of how our vacation should be.
As I got out of bed yesterday morning, extremely slow and bow legged- I thought of that time- and how much getting out of bed like that bothered me. I guess I’m just used to it now because I’m rocking my slowness and pain (it doesn’t bother me anymore- at least not like it used to).
The other big thing in life right now, work, has been good. I wouldn’t have probably said this a week ago, LOL.
Yesterday was Friday and after work, I felt something that I’ve been missing for a long time- passion.
I think things started to shift after a conversation with my sister the other day. I told her that even though it might be slightly over-optimistic, I have to believe that changing jobs so abruptly, and going through obstacles with the new job is for my greatest and highest good.
I’ve been knowing for a while now that I’m a poor communicator and need to work on these skills. This job is helping build those skills. I’m working with students who need a lot of support from a lot of different adults- and I am having to communicate with them constantly.
It hasn’t always been easy, some teachers (or maybe just one or two) are really mad that x student is in their room with not enough support, etc etc etc. I’ve dealt with some ugly/sticky situations already.
It’s so much easier when you don’t take things personally! I think I’m kind of rocking it (this communication- dealing with other adults kind of thing), whereas I know in the past I would have been overthinking everything.
I’m also making good connections. When I’m chatting with one of my favorite teachers (who has one of my more challenging students and is amazing with her) and we realize that our kids are in choir together- it reminds me why I moved schools. I’m so much enjoying the community feeling. I’ve met quite a few people already who have freshman at the high school (mine is a freshman also). I think I might spot some new friends at his next school function 😄
The conversations and connections I’ve been making feel genuine and good, and I’m often inspired while listening. Life is so much less messy, and so much more fun when you’re not constantly worried that you offended someone, and generally overthinking everything.
Lastly, I’m becoming attached to my new kiddos, and having successes- which always feels amazing. These kids are definitely much different than the students I worked with at my last school. That took a minute to get used to, but I love the new kids– just like I loved the old. Our successes look a bit different now sometimes, but that’s all the better.
Okay, I promised Jules a walk, so I better get out there (it’s 7:30 on Sunday morning). One thing I want to share first.
For my lymphedema, I ordered a vibration plate to help move the fluid out. I’m going to stand on it for 15 minutes twice a day for a week or so and then hopefully decrease down to using it just a couple or few times per week.
It came yesterday and I used it once then and then again this morning. Call me crazy, but I think it’s already helping!
Ok- I’m off for a walk- and feeling grateful that I can walk 😁