Peaceful Mornings

It’s Friday morning, 4 o’clock hour, and I’m sleepless once again.

I woke up to go to the bathroom and ran into my oldest in the hallway- this was around 3:30am.

He said he heard a distinct Milo meow outside his bedroom window around 2:30, and had been calling for him since. We had set out clothes and used kitty litter around the yard yesterday- and we were feeling hopeful that maybe he’d find his way home in the calm of the night.

I couldn’t sleep after that, and walked the yard with a flashlight- with no luck.

On the bright side, I’m not feeling too bummed about being up so early again. I had a great morning yesterday! After I wrote in here, I had the best workout I’ve had in over 6 months, and that was me not wanting to work out at all. I was so glad I got on the bike- it felt good to ride 7 miles before work. Riding my bike one mile to work will be a piece of cake 🙂

I also had time to meditate- although it wasn’t a great session. I’ve been meditating daily for several months now, but haven’t had very good sessions where I feel in a trance. I’m either completely conscious- or I tend to fall asleep. Last weekend, after my friend visited- I meditated in the afternoon/evening. I was very tired from staying up so late, but I was also holding my coffee cup (it was an impromptu meditation session) – which I think prevented me from falling asleep and helped me achieve more of a trance state.

For the first time in awhile, it was a good session. I went to Crystal Cave, and my mom and Anthony’s grandma (who passed while on a cruise in 2002) were there. They were getting on my case about not visiting our parents more (his and my dad/stepmom). Then Anthony’s young cousin showed up. I asked him if he had a message and he said to tell his sister that he is taking care of all her passed pets (she loves her pets!).

It made me think that maybe I should meditate later in the day instead of first thing. Yesterday I did both, but my afternoon session wasn’t great.

I had a pretty good day at work. The kids were extra wound up, and I was kind of cranky, but I ended up emailing my principal with my schedule and the issues I am having. I told her I planned to reach out to my boss- but didn’t want to blindside her. It’s a start and it feels good.

Today is not only Friday, but it’s the Friday before Spring break! AND.. and Parkview it happens to be pajama day, which I intend to take full advantage of! I’m even bringing my slippers. I don’t always participate in pj day, but today it’s happening.

On a side note, I was thinking about the upcoming summer and wondering if I’ll be productive or not. I began to think of the summer of 2020 and how magically awesome it was. I heard a song, which reminded me- that’s what got me thinking. It was amazing, but why weren’t the summers after, and how do I make this coming summer more like 2020?

In 2021, I was preparing for my son and nephews graduation party. I did a ton of work, especially outside. It was great to feel productive and get things done outside, but I think that took most of my summer. The party was at the end of July and by August, I’m already in back-to-school mode- so when that party was over, so was my summer it seemed.

In 2022, I slept. My hands were so sore, I think I weeded around the pond once. I spent the summer trying to heal with diet changes, and just got worse and worse. By the time school started, I could hardly get up off the ground. My legs were stiff, swollen, and horribly painful.

Last week I almost cried at an IEP meeting, and nearly made the mom cry. It was for that little boy who I get off the bus everyday- the one who struggles walking. The team began talking about how amazing and inspiring this child is.

I told mom how sick and immobile I was in the fall- and how her little boy changed my entire outlook. And that was no exaggeration.

But my thoughts about summer is that right now 2023 is a blank slate. How do I want it to look? What a great prospect! I thought hard about this yesterday. I definitely want to write- as much as I can- and then just household chores will keep me busy- especially outside. We bought the acre lot next door a few months ago, so I’m excited to figure out what we’ll do with it and clean it up.

I feel like I could be totally content staying home all summer long and doing nothing but writing, swimming/bike riding/other leisure activities and fixing up/maintaining the house. It sounds absolutely perfect, actually.

When I first got sober, it was the summertime, and I would sometimes think of my home as a sober retreat. It included all the good stuff- spiritual work, recovery work, grounding while gardening outside, meditating in the garden, wholesome food, etc. My wish for 2023 reminds me of a sober retreat. I can’t think of a better way to spend summer vacation. Pretty hilarious for a girl who lived for drinking all summer- and the thought of a sober summer would scare me away from sobriety- until I learned and experienced the truth (that alcohol is a big, fat liar).

This was supposed to be a quick update- but I keep getting off track. It’s after 5:00 now, and I’m deciding if I want to work out or not. I think not. I think I’ll make some pancakes- or something else hardy to eat because I’m feeling famished.

Thanks for listening to my rambles!

Have a great Friday everyone- happy weekend!

Mama Drama – Unpacking her Emotional Baggage

It’s around the four o’clock hour on a Thursday morning and I can’t sleep. I’ve been up since around 3:30, and have lots on my mind.

Shortly after 4:00, I stopped fighting it and got up and made coffee. It’s nice to be up this early, actually. I love the dark quiet house, and especially love that I have some extra time now this morning. I’m hoping that by blogging and working out, I will get out some of the “ick” inside me.

I don’t have a lot of things. But, as you know, my cat Milo has been sick with a nasal problem and we’ve been anxiously waiting for his cat scan appointment on April 5th. His original appointment was April 5th, but he was on a cancellation list. They called in early February and asked if we wanted to come on March 21st instead. Heck yeah! I told them. Then they called the next day and asked if we could come on February 15th- I was so excited! He’d finally get seen and we wouldn’t have to wait for April!

Well, the shooting at MSU (where his cat scan was scheduled) was on February 13th and they closed the entire campus for a couple of days. Our appointment got bumped back to April.

The night before last, he was super obnoxious around 3:00am. The weather is getting nicer and he wanted out, so he was scratching and meowing at our bedroom door. My oldest let him outside after that, and sadly he hasn’t been seen since!

The last time this happened, he was gone for four months before we found him in a gated community a few miles away. So I’m really worried. Plus, the way his nose is problematic, wherever he is he probably can’t smell his way home.

Please send all the prayers and positive vibes. We’ve been through so much with this boy, he can’t just disappear forever.

Next, I’ve been thinking about my paranoia about getting fired/let go/laid off/whatever you want to call it. I think it might be a problem. I think this because it’s causing me to do certain actions, like not reach out to my boss for extra help like my coworkers are urging me to do. I can handle it, I’d tell them. But the thing is, it’s not what’s best for my students. So this is a problem.

I remembered something profound yesterday.

When my sisters and I were cleaning out my mom’s house after she died, we read through some of her journals.

When she was I don’t know, around 40ish she and my dad divorced. She had cleaned houses for people but never really had a “real” job. She ended up getting a job at a local factory. She got well established there, moved her way up and stayed there until her death. We never really thought much of it, we knew she’d do well with whatever she did.

Before she started working at that factory, she wrote words that shocked us. What if I can’t do it? What if I’m not good enough? What if I fail at this? I don’t remember her exact words, I just remember the shock and awe we felt not being able to fathom how our mom could even worry about that. It was so silly and crazy to us!

Yet, as I sit here and type this, it doesn’t seem so crazy after all.

So, whatever this is that I’ve got about work, I got it from my mom. Maybe her trauma, maybe mine from words and situations I was exposed to as a youngster- or maybe a combination of both. I think I need a mantra or something.

This is for me and my mom:

You are good enough

You are a valuable contributor to your place of employment

You are competent and confident

You are loved!

I’ll just say this over and over and hope that these feelings of inadequacy go away!

Lastly, and this one is a positive one, I’m not sure if it’s just me, but there seems to be a surplus of murdering narcissists who think they are above the law who are now in jail or will be on trial.

Bryan Kohberger, the criminal justice student conceded as hell. Alex Murdough, a liar, killer and thief. His family owns South Carolina, so he thought he’d get off, but now they’re digging up multiple bodies to link deaths to him. What a creep! And this week it’s James Craig, a Colorado dentist who poisoned his wife and flew in his mistress while his wife was dying in the hospital. Apparently he told his employees not to talk to the police. He had ordered a lethal drug, but had no record of what procedure it was for. Another Narc who thinks they are above the law.

I don’t know if it’s just me noticing these things, but it makes me feel happy to see them get caught after killing people. That’s a crime no one should get away with.

And lastly, for real, my soberversary is in 5 days!! Four years, holy cow!! Never ever could I have imagined this.

But wait, back in 2017 I started reading The Sobriety Solution. On one of the first days, there was an exercise to visualize myself in 10, or 20 years if I keep on the path I was on. It then had me visualize what I want my life to look like.

The second vision I had was just about identical to my life right now. That makes me feel so incredibly happy ❤

https://thedevildrinksvodka.wordpress.com/2017/07/08/30-day-solution-day-2/

46 years and 1453 days

It’s a cold but sunny and bright Sunday morning- and I’m feeling relaxed. I’ve been up for a couple of hours and have already gotten the grocery shopping done (thank you online grocery service <3) and talked to my sister for awhile- which is basically my therapy.

Friday was St. Patrick’s Day and my 46th birthday.

This birthday was heavier than most, much harder mentally than I expected.

It made me feel sort of ashamed because I’ve spent the past year tooting how little age matters. After all, people in their 60’s and 70’s routinely kick my A$$ on the Peloton leaderboard, so naturally I couldn’t wait to get a little older so I can get stronger and faster. I would scoff at people crying about their age.

But there’s something about 46… it’s oftly close to 50.. but I spent the past decade shouting that 50 is the new 30 so why do I care??

Despite these icky feelings, it was a fantastic day. I made word games with little shamrocks for the kids at school on Friday. It was festive and fun. When I got home, all three of my boys were in the kitchen with some gifts for me. They were small gifts, but they were all my favorite things. They even wrapped up a can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli 🤣🤣

We went out for an early dinner and then one of my best friends came down from up north to stay the night.

Friday night was fun, we stayed up till 2am catching up and playing Euchre. On Saturday, we had a relaxing morning and then went shopping at our favorite discount stores. It was a fun couple of days!

Now it’s Sunday, and I’m ready to soak up this entire relaxing day before thinking about work tomorrow. But, I’m ecstatic that we have a week off after next week for spring break.

On another note, I can’t even believe it’s spring break! Didn’t I just start teaching at a new school like yesterday??

Spring is on Tuesday, and riding my bike to work is a closer and closer reality! This was not even close to being an option in the fall, when I was so immobile, but thankfully I’m doing so much better. I can’t even remember the last time I took motrin or tylenol 🎉✨

Speaking of work, it’s been on my mind a lot. I am very fearful of getting let go, or laid off after this school year. I don’t know why, honestly. If anything, the way it looks with the needs of our students, they are going to have to add some positions for next year, certainly not take some away. Additionally, they can hardly find applicants for the same position posted now, so why would they let me go? All I can figure is that it’s that deep rooted belief that I’m not good enough.

On a superficial level, I do feel successful at work. Especially lately, it feels like when people come into my room and I have 18 things going on, but each child is focused and working on something, they are impressed and have said so. So it’s a shame that I can’t be proud and confident, but I guess it keeps me humble, so that’s good.

I think I’ve fallen in love with my new school, the students are special and I have a handful of coworkers that I connect with and have so much admiration and respect for. I want nothing more than to just stay at this school- this school that’s just a mile down the street, for the rest of my career- so I think that longing gives me that fear of losing it. Plus, it wouldn’t be completely unlikely for them to move me to another school within the district. That would be okay, but really I just want to stay at Parkview, lol!

I had a great experience/thought a couple of weeks ago when there was a snowstorm. It was night time and I was eagerly checking my phone to see if school was cancelled. I was obsessed with the checking school closings, which made me wonder why. I had noticed on previous snowdays, that being home all day didn’t necessarily equate to a great day. In fact, it sort of made me crabby.

So why did I care if we had school or not? My mood seemed better when I was working anyhow.

I think it was the “not knowing” that was making me anxious. When I thought about getting a snowday, I thought about not going to work the next day and I felt a twinge of sadness.

The world is my playground. My work is my playground.

I thought about all of “school” things I wouldn’t be doing at home, and felt that little sadness again. At that moment, my work truly did seem like my playground.

I can’t tell you how wonderful that feeling was!

In fact, I’m feeling more and more like that about the world in general. It’s not just about having fun either, it’s a feeling of belonging as well, and it’s better than any drug out there.

Help Me See this Another Way

Today is Friday the 13th, and quite frankly, I’m scared Sh**less.

It’s been an icky week. As I’m typing how awful it was, I’m realizing, though, that really, it was not a terrible week. No one died, no pets got horribly sick, I didn’t have a ton of appointments- it could have been worse.

On Sunday morning, I got an email from a teacher who got under my skin. Although I tried to put it in the back of my mind, it overshadowed all of Sunday. It wasn’t a horrible email- it’s just a really irritating situation in general.

On Monday, I had to meet with her and my principal. I dreaded the meeting horribly- but it actually wasn’t that bad and we made some progress towards some solutions (the MAIN problem is the lack of staff and support and scheduling teacher assistants-this teacher wants more support than we are able to give her, and it just sucks).

Tuesday was a fine day at work. However, I had the first of 10 classes of this professional development I’m taking. It was Tuesday after work and went until 9:15. The instructor was teaching it like there’s no tomorrow, and any hope of getting out early was lost. I’m very happy it’s online though.

On Wednesday, I received an email that I think will change me forever. It was from a parent, and the worst (angry wise) email I’ve ever received in my life. Unlucky for me, it was to me, and me alone. Lucky for me, it wasn’t an attack on me, personally, so that helped. It stemmed from an unfortunate incident involving the bus and the sub bus driver that morning.

On Wednesdays my hubby goes straight from work to give swim tests to Boy Scouts. He doesn’t get home until I’m in bed and so I wasn’t able to talk to him about it to debrief Wednesday night. I was able to talk to colleagues during the day, but they were just irritated with me. Not at me, just with me.

On Wednesday night and Thursday morning, I begged the Universe to give me a day of positive connections and positive interactions for Thursday. While I did have positive interactions, I was also riddled with technological and other stupid, but minor, problems throughout the day.

On Thursday I gave angry parent’s daughter an assessment and she did incredibly better than when I tested her in the fall. Any joy that I felt about this was overtaken by dark thoughts of that email. It’s not that I was taking it personally, I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. In fact, it stole every joyful moment on Thursday.

For the first time in my teaching career, I wanted to quit.

By Thursday night, it was still bugging me. I think that by then, I was more bothered by the fact that it was bothering me, than I was about the actual email.

When hubby asked about it, I told him how I felt. He asked if he could read the email and I asked him to help me see it another way.

You see, I talk to him all the time about seeing things and situations from another perspective. Usually, though, it’s him that won’t let a situation go and me calming him, telling him how useless it is to let it occupy his mind. I think he might be listening.

His response wasn’t profound, but it was extremely helpful.

First he explained that based on the email, this was probably a person who normally cusses while talking and that’s just the way they are. But he pointed out that when the parent wrote fu**ing, he put the stars in there and had the thoughtfulness to sensor it.

Then he reminded me that while this parent was in a horrible situation and feeling so angry that transportation couldn’t help him, he trusted me enough to reach out to me for help.

And that was all I needed to hear, as simple as it may be. And he was right.

I’m still apprehensive, and still kind of want to get out of this field, but I’m feeling much better.

It’s Friday, mid-morning, and so far the work day has been good. I have a few absent today, and we have a three day weekend, so today feels comparatively easy.

I’m still feeling slightly apprehensive about the date, but happily feeling grateful as I wrote this out and realizing that for how awful I felt on Wednesday and Thursday, I really do have so much to be grateful for.

I need to remember that “This too, shall pass.” It might hurt like a kidney stone, but.. ❤

I Only Stuff My Face at Night

I probably mentioned this 100 times, but I’m doing the Lotus and the Lily soul program for the third time. One of the last days, has you think of a movie title that describes your life. My immediate thought was like, River Lo; Goes with the Flow. After much thinking, I knew that I’m not there yet, my resistance is strong at times.

So, thinking about the past year.. the movie title I came up with, is: Gimme, Gimme.

It was about a year ago, I took Reiki I and II classes and vowed to heal myself. Lisa, my teacher, talked about purging old emotions, including not only my own trauma, but my ancestors trauma as well.

But, that’s not what I really did.

I continuously looked outside for the answer. Physical therapy, grounding, vibrating plate, rebounder, massager, sauna… if it promised to purge toxins and/or cure pain, then I was fully vested.

And I still catch myself doing it.

And while I did do a good job of staying on the AIP diet, I never gave up cacao- which I was supposed to (according to most AIP diets. Some allow it- which is why I was okay keeping it-plus I knew it would help me be successful with this diet). I reintroduced eggs, but probably not properly, but kept eating them anyway. Having eggs made the diet a bit easier too.

I think you know the rest of the story. August was too busy- I went back to eating the standard American diet and stopped cleansing with juices and smoothies. And now it’s December, and I’m still here.

Some days I eat great, until nighttime. Some days I hardly eat at all, until nighttime. And some days I eat junk all day long. Those days are rare, thank goodness!

The confusing part is that I feel SO much better than I did in the summertime. I’m still sore and some days its hard to get up and down. Most days I feel almost normal with motrin. For weeks now, I usually only take motrin or tylenol in the morning. It’s hard to believe that I was taking both 3-4 times daily very regularly over the spring and summer. My weight is back to normal (I gained 20 pounds when my leg edema was at its worst), and I feel like I can start working out again.

And I have crazy thoughts of doing that diet again! I know I need to work on it, but am pretty scared now of picking up bad symptoms- like edema. I keep thinking that I’ll just cut out dairy and gluten and start with those. That would be fairly doable and when I brought it up to my hubby, he mentioned that he would do it with me and that he wants to eat better too. Starting it is a whole nother thing.

I hate that this is so cliche, but I just have January in my head as a starting. With holiday festivities coming up, it seems pointless to try to crack down. I’m going to do the best that I can. I want to start training for that half marathon in April. I’ll start working out again over break- and will start slow and gradually increase. I can’t wait until I can run again!

Plus, life has been insane with work lately. I started the new schedule with my new classes this week. The kids are doing great, and seem to be happy and comfortable. The adults, could take a lesson from the children.

That was mean. “Kindness made me kind.” is the affirmation I use when my mean comes out.

It’s been an adjustment for everyone. And really, for the most part, everyone has been great. There are little hiccups here and there, but they are getting smoother everyday. I even got observed this week- I think even twice!

I couldn’t tell you exactly what I was doing the first time, except teaching writing to the self-contained class across the hall. These students have significant disabilities, but I’ve been teaching them writing all year, so we’re into a routine and I’m sure the observation went fine. The second time was yesterday, Friday. It was very busy when she came. I had 5 students in my room and 3 parapros. They oversaw the students working while I pulled two students aside to give them quick assessments. I think it went well, except that my newest student continued to grab at my mask every time I got near him. It was so annoying, lol, but in his defense, it’s the first time I wore a mask with him there. She knew what would be going on, and I think was impressed.

I never felt as nervous as looking at her in her apprehensive eyes and assuring her that I’m okay with this class change and think that it truly is the best thing to do (she is new to our district too, and this is quite different than what we did pre-pandemic times). I’m glad she saw it so busy and running well.

Besides all the kinks, I’m really liking this new schedule and groups. I enjoy teaching and had time to do read-alouds this week and create corresponding activities that practiced different skills. It felt so much less rushed and so much more productive than before. I feel like a real teacher and even will have papers to bring home and grade sometimes 😊

I’m really connecting with the students and learning what gets me excited now- like when I’ve been trying to teach a 2nd grader all year long to differentiate between adding and subtracting and he not only does it independently now, but I’ve caught him catching a mistake with a tool I printed for him and it gives me that joyous feeling!

One of my favorites is my youngest, M. She was my most difficult student in the beginning and I was pretty terrified of her. She was awful. She didn’t want to come with me half the time, and whined and argued with everything. She has speech apraxia and you can’t understand her words which made it even harder.

Let’s go back to the very first day of my new job. I woke up to an owl hooting. I took it as a good sign that I was where I was supposed to be and thought it was a good omen.

At some point, M discovered a stuffed owl I’ve had in my classroom since last year. I let her play with it and we made a game out of her hiding him for the next student and finding him when she comes in. The owl was our turning point.

A month later, M was routinely knocking on my door on her way to the bus- just to give me a hug. Her parapro would apologize for interrupting, but M was persistent. And no one could have known that I needed that hug more than her.

I kind of laugh when I look back at the beginning. I seemed so incompetent and didn’t know anything- but it’s amazing how quickly we can learn and grow. Some things are still hard, but I love it at my new school. And I LOVE my five minute drive! I dream of the days that I ride my bike to and from work. It never happened this fall because of leg edema, but if I keep improving, I can ride when winters over.

That’s about it. All is well. But I still stuff my face at night ❤

Unfun

The Law of Attraction says you can attract anything, but living a joyful and fun existence is a big part of it. Happily go with the flow and your attraction skills can be as strong as a magnet.

You mean all you have to do is have fun? How hard can that be?

Well, apparently, if you’re a naturally born stick-in-the-mud like me, it can be rather difficult.

I’ve been doing the soul program, Gabby Bernstein’s “May Cause Miracles.” It’s been a great experience and I’m so close to finishing- with just one small exercise left. An exercise that’s had me stumped since last Friday. I don’t know how to have fun!

I faced my body issues, resentments, fear, and money issues- no problem. But it’s this one last page I’ve been unable to write in my accompanying journal.

How can I have more fun on my own and in everyday life?

How can I enjoy workouts and eating healthy food?

How can I bring more fun into my relationships?

How can I bring more fun into work? My place of making abundance.

How can I bring more fun to the world?

And why am I unable to answer any of these questions???

Play more practical jokes at work and/or home is all that I’ve been able to come up with. Maybe, be more spontaneous? Usually if something is sprung on me suddenly, I say that I can’t do it. This is something that usually comes from hubby. But, if a sister calls me and asks if I want to meet her at the mall in 20 minutes, my answer is almost always no to her also– or anyone else for that matter. Not always because I’m busy, but because of a reason I can’t think of. Maybe it’s just resistance, or laziness, or maybe I need mentally prepare when attempting to be social.

I’m not so good at just “going with the flow.” Maybe that’s why I don’t know how to have fun. What is even fun to me?

Time for a list:

Things that I truly enjoy doing:

Walking in the woods

Being around water on a hot sunny day

Creating things (painting, painted rock, witchy stuff, etc)

Writing when I’m in the groove

Morning routine of reading/meditating/writing

Working out/moving (unless I’m painful or feeling exhausted)

Dancing/singing alone

Having a lazy Friday or Saturday night with snacks, my bed and a good show to binge

---

I think this is a good start! These will help me. I was really stumped on the work question, but think that building routines into my (and my students’) day will help make work more fun.

Speaking of work, things are getting crazy.

We have many students who have very high needs this year & my administration is changing my room from a resource to a partially self-contained room. It means that I have longer blocks and overall see less kids but see them for longer.

Most of me is really happy about this. The very opposite thing happened to me after I started teaching 16 years ago. At two different schools, my self-contained room turned into a resource room. The students I had needed less support and did okay after transferring to general ed for most of their day. But these students are struggling big time, and hopefully this will help them gain new skills faster and more efficiently.

Another part of me is nervous. I do like teaching, especially when I can do it consistently, but these students can be challenging. I’m really going to have to think outside the box, like all day, everyday 😨

And I can’t forget to find a way to bring fun into it….

Every Relationship has a Purpose

It’s #Caturday and both cats are doing better since the last time I wrote.

Zoe seems to be healing up okay (I say this because it still looks pretty gross) and Milo was seen by a specialist.

It was very lucky that we got a consultation appointment. We were going to have to take him in through emergency-just to be able to see a veterinarian- but miraculously, my friend reached out to the clinic in Auburn Hills, where she takes her cat and knows the dr and technician and they happened to have a cancellation the next day- which was the very day that I planned to take off to take him to emergency.

They said he looked pretty good and felt comfortable waiting until 11/16 to do a scan. Then we’ll find out his prognosis. I’m hoping it’s just inflammation or polyps or a fungal infection- and not a growth. Already, the scan is very very expensive- and that doesn’t include whatever treatment he may need.

My health is still pretty good 🎉🎉🎉

I’ve taken less NSAIDs this week than I have in a long time- probably like a year. I’ve gotten in a couple walks and eager to start increasing my workouts.I’m thinking of that half marathon in April. I can’t wait and SO hope that I get to train for it and participate.

The name of the half is, Carpe Diem/Carpe Noctem, seize the day/seize the night. You can run it night or day- I chose daytime to run.

Outta my way, I got a carpe to diem today!

I saw the saying above and didn’t want to forget it, because I love the way it sounds and the meaning of it- I want to make a shirt of it, LOL.

I’m on around Day 23 of the May Cause Miracles book. I’m loving doing it before work, and try to set aside 20-30 minutes each morning. I think it makes my days more positive. I get irritated if I oversleep and feel rushed doing it or if I don’t have time to do it at all. I’m glad I’m finally doing it, I started in like 2019 and made it to week 3, but stopped and have been meaning to get back to it ever since. I plug in my grounding (earthing) mat and rest my feet on it while doing this. I’d like to think that this has helped my physical and emotional health improve, but who knows. I have my feet on it right now as I write, you can’t be too grounded, right??

This week’s work is relationships. It’s an excellent focus for me, and I should probably just plan on doing this week twice, lol.

That’s all I’ve got. It’s the weekend, and I’m so grateful that it’s not so busy like the last two. I’m actually going to try to get some lessons planned and do more organized teaching this week. Work has been going good, but one of my favorite students is moving and we just found out this week that yesterday was his last day.

He’s an awesome 2nd grader who has been telling me (and others) that he’s going to be going to a “forest school” since the beginning of the year. He loves rocks and has brought a couple into school. I wondered if he charges things like water and his rocks in the full moon, but didn’t ask him.

Yesterday was sad. I saw his group in the morning and we played a fun math game. I gave him one of my painted rocks (he was so excited 😊) and let him pick out a prize for his half full sticker chart. He came to my room twice in the afternoon to give me a hug and tell me bye again.

I felt down all night and knew that he was the reason why. Our connection was special and even though I only knew him for a short time, I will always have fond memories of the positive experiences I had with him the first few weeks at my new school when everything else seemed crazy and chaotic. He was more like my previous students than anyone else, which felt familiar and comfortable. He’s moving up north and will be closer to extended family, so that’s good, but he will be missed.

Ok, Bye for real this time. ❤

🎵 Good Vibrations 🎶

Life feels so much better than it did a few weeks ago 🤪 For the first time in weeks, I felt joy early this morning. The kind of joy that comes from listening to a good song and feeling so grateful, for this life, and brings tears to your eyes.

I don’t think I’ve written this yet, but I’ve been sort of suicidal these past few weeks. I lost my mom suddenly at 37, which destroyed my life for a while- and because of losing her– I would never ever do anything to myself that would bring that same pain to my family. So, I’m never worried about killing myself. But.. reading about how lymphedema can be caused by a blood clot, I’ve occasionally thought that if it was a clot, and it traveled to my lungs or brain- and killed me, well that would be okay with me. Sometimes I wished it.

I always think back to our mountain vacation. Much of the pain I felt (mostly legs/knees) was new and scary- I was constantly pushing the fears out of my head and trying to live normally. In reality, I missed out on activities and sometimes felt as though I was an imposter, going through the motions of how our vacation should be.

As I got out of bed yesterday morning, extremely slow and bow legged- I thought of that time- and how much getting out of bed like that bothered me. I guess I’m just used to it now because I’m rocking my slowness and pain (it doesn’t bother me anymore- at least not like it used to).

I’m adapting.

The other big thing in life right now, work, has been good. I wouldn’t have probably said this a week ago, LOL.

Yesterday was Friday and after work, I felt something that I’ve been missing for a long time- passion.

I think things started to shift after a conversation with my sister the other day. I told her that even though it might be slightly over-optimistic, I have to believe that changing jobs so abruptly, and going through obstacles with the new job is for my greatest and highest good.

I’ve been knowing for a while now that I’m a poor communicator and need to work on these skills. This job is helping build those skills. I’m working with students who need a lot of support from a lot of different adults- and I am having to communicate with them constantly.

It hasn’t always been easy, some teachers (or maybe just one or two) are really mad that x student is in their room with not enough support, etc etc etc. I’ve dealt with some ugly/sticky situations already.

It’s so much easier when you don’t take things personally! I think I’m kind of rocking it (this communication- dealing with other adults kind of thing), whereas I know in the past I would have been overthinking everything.

I’m also making good connections. When I’m chatting with one of my favorite teachers (who has one of my more challenging students and is amazing with her) and we realize that our kids are in choir together- it reminds me why I moved schools. I’m so much enjoying the community feeling. I’ve met quite a few people already who have freshman at the high school (mine is a freshman also). I think I might spot some new friends at his next school function 😄

The conversations and connections I’ve been making feel genuine and good, and I’m often inspired while listening. Life is so much less messy, and so much more fun when you’re not constantly worried that you offended someone, and generally overthinking everything.

Lastly, I’m becoming attached to my new kiddos, and having successes- which always feels amazing. These kids are definitely much different than the students I worked with at my last school. That took a minute to get used to, but I love the new kids– just like I loved the old. Our successes look a bit different now sometimes, but that’s all the better.

Okay, I promised Jules a walk, so I better get out there (it’s 7:30 on Sunday morning). One thing I want to share first.

For my lymphedema, I ordered a vibration plate to help move the fluid out. I’m going to stand on it for 15 minutes twice a day for a week or so and then hopefully decrease down to using it just a couple or few times per week.

It came yesterday and I used it once then and then again this morning. Call me crazy, but I think it’s already helping!

Ok- I’m off for a walk- and feeling grateful that I can walk 😁

Namaste ❤

Universal Gifts

I finally got off the couch and went back to work.

And soon discovered that I have the best job in the world.

I came back to notes, presents and a special gift from an unlikely substitute teacher.

This new Nightlock tool is the Cadillac of school safety devices 🎉

It was a great day back and I was just as excited to see the kiddos as they were to see me.

I had a routine checkup with my rheumatologist yesterday. I was pretty excited, because although my hand/wrist is still flaring, I was hopeful my bloodwork results would be better than before. After all, I’ve been eating a more balanced diet for a whole month now. They were pretty impressive before, and my hemoglobin (which is sometimes low and I sometimes need IV iron) has begun to rise on its own since last year.

She took one look at me, shook her head, pointed her finger and said I looked pale and would probably get a call in the morning that my bloodwork results are bad.

The next morning I got that call. Luckily, everything is decent except for my hemoglobin, which is 9.1- whereas it was over 11 just eight months ago.

I’m hoping it’s wrong, or maybe low because I’m still recovering from the flu. I have an appointment with my hematologist in about 10 days and will have it rechecked.

I’m hoping for a rebound and no IV infusions needed. If not, and I need iron, then fine. I’m sure I’ll be more energetic if that’s the case.

I’m just sort of disappointed in the whole thing. But it’s just like drinking alcohol, when I thought my health should be SO much better after abstaining for 30 days. In reality, it’s taken my body years to heal from the abuse, and it’s still healing. I imagine my diet/gut health is the same, and will take time. In the grand scheme of things, 30 days is nothing.

One more thing, because the universe always knows what we need.

This is in the beginning of the book Lindy left me. I can’t wait to read it- after all my death woes, I know I was meant to read this- Devine Intervention.

Be well everyone ❤