Memorial Weekend 2023

May 30, 2023

Finally! I feel it, the excitement of summertime! It took a little longer this year, but I’m so happy to finally feel like the speedy merry go round of junk is finally slowing down and I’m about to hop off it.

Since my last post, work has been pretty good. I didn’t mention it when I wrote before, but that teacher who I’m fighting with, we had a big stressful meeting with our shared student’s mom last week. It was highly anticipated and dreaded by all team members- but probably a little worse for us because of the inner contention. I didn’t want think about, mention or write about that meeting. None of us had any idea how it would go (mom is historically hard on us and can be mean), but those who met with her for spring conferences, all had a good conference with her, so I felt better than before our last meeting. Luckily, it went better than any of us expected. I think it was after that meeting that I finally started to feel free.

It’s been unseasonably cold until this past weekend. So on Friday after work, I had my first bike ride of the year! It was great, and my hand was okay! I just went a couple miles, but I love the route around my house. There’s a small stretch that goes through the woods, and even though that part is short, it’s magical.

This past weekend was Memorial weekend, so we had an extra day off. We stayed home but had a great weekend. It was a little bit of everything, opening the pool (but it’s not ready to swim in yet..), worked in the yard, THROUGH my hand pain, until it was painless…. it’s so weird but I’m learning how to read and understand my body. I believe that this all has a purpose– even last summer, maybe especially last summer (working SO hard, avoiding so many different foods, getting SO sick, and sicker and then much sicker when I finally threw in the towel and went off the elimination/Anthony William diet), believe it or not I WOULD do it over again, I would just do it differently.

Right now I’m eating pretty much whatever I want, although Anthony William still has me scared silly of eggs. I’ve had a few here and there, but …

I bless my food before I eat and ask my body to use the good stuff in it to heal and to dispose of the rest of it, especially any toxins. This seems to be working okay. If I can write this summer, ride my bike AND garden then I’ll be content and feeling awesome. Last week was hard when my hand was so bad. Luckily it’s not waking me up at night, and I’m not having to take NSAIDs for it, unlike last week.

I was so motivated after my Friday happy hour bike ride, that I was determined to ride my bike to work today. I have been waiting for this day all year long.

I moved all my work stuff to my backpack and was ready to roll. I honestly didn’t know if I’d chicken out at the last minute. Bike rides are weird. They’re incredibly awesome, I almost always have fun and feel great afterwards, but.. I still tend to dread them. So I wasn’t sure if I’d give up and hop into my car this morning instead.

To my surprise, as it was getting closer to the time to leave, I was getting excited to ride. And I was excited to talk to my sister longer, since my commute would be like 15 minutes instead of 5. Also to my surprise, halfway through, I felt like I was dying. My energy was low and my backpack felt super heavy. I actually had to stop and rest for a few minutes. All I could think about was riding in the 90 degree heat on the way home. For some reason, though, the ride home seemed easier. It was fun and I’ll probably do it all week if it doesn’t rain. How awesome!

Something else fun, is that hubby and I are planning a backpacking trip. We went to REI on Sunday and got fitted for backpacks. We’re going to North Manitou island- which will be pretty deserted. I can’t even tell you how excited I am to go, and plan to have an amazing time. We’ll be going some other places too, we’re hoping this is a new fun hobby for us. Plus it’ll get us both moving again. I haven’t been on the Peloton or Tread in several weeks.

Life is so good and I feel so blessed ❤

Day #1525 (I always forget about days. It seems irrelevant, although it’s so very much relevant. Its truly amazing that one decision can cause a trickle effect that just keeps getting better and better, year after year after year ❤ )

Cats

It’s been six days since we learned that we’ll never see Milo again. It’s getting a little easier- but the tears still come in waves.

Two days ago I grabbed a package off the porch before coming in.

What’s that? my hubby asked.

“It’s for Milo’s grave.” I replied somberly.

The words came out easily, and sat with me. Hard.

I went out to the back deck and sat, and cried. Milo’s grave I kept hearing. I didn’t want those words to exist. But they did, and I needed to feel sadness, and I did.

After a little bit, I spotted a hawk in a tree at the edge of our yard. I wished it were an eagle. During the pandemic in 2020, I pegged the eagle as my sign from the universe. During my countless walks and times outside, I’ve never seen one around here, and they are spotted fairly regularly. I look, all the time, but still get the feeling that it’s right In front of my face and I’m missing it.

As I was thinking, the hawk flew towards me and made a sharp turn to fly around the side of our house. It came close to the ground, and I thought that was odd and that it must’ve spotted a mouse or something.

About 5-10 minutes later, it came out of nowhere and landed on the top of our wooden swing about 50 feet away. I was in awe, because I’ve never seen a hawk do that here. I had never seen one so close.

It was only there for a matter of seconds, but what it did next made me laugh. It flew off toward the side yard, and was out of sight. Next thing I know, the rude geese who have been loitering were flying away honking angrily. It was funny because we used to sic our dog on those geese. He would chase them, and they’d fly away honking just like that. We realized it wasn’t the smartest thing to encourage our dog to chase wild animals, so we stopped doing that. I silently thanked the hawk for scaring them away.

I saw that hawk, once more that evening. He came down again, and around the side of the house.

It was cool, and while it wasn’t my eagle, I was in awe nevertheless, and so grateful for the gift of the hawk

Old Self/New Self

Old Self comes out every great once in awhile.

I know it when I’m stuffing my face, for no apparent reason- other than coming home from a stressful family party.

I know it when I’m cleaning, and have negative thoughts ruminating in my head.

And I know it, when it seems like every single person is pissing me off, with intention, and when I start thinking mean thoughts about people around me.

Luckily, New Self usually isn’t too far behind.. and will pick up the pieces.

And also, lucky for me, this has become very infrequent these past couple of years.

This is the first time I’ve really had to grieve since welcoming New Self.

It’s been a much different experience than I’ve ever had before.

On Monday after learning about Milo, it felt like I had negative energy. After I got home from work, I channeled that energy and cleaned the house. It was awful, and wonderful all at the same time.

My emotions were raw, and I didn’t hold back. I had music up loud and sang during the happy songs and cried during the sad songs. It was a great way to purge that energy.

It’s been 3 days since I found out, and I’m still very sad. But it’s not taking over my life and my days. I openly cry when I think about it- but then move on.

So what’s so different between losing him and losing Chloe, the last cat I lost back in 2013? After losing her, I could barely think straight. I was very sad, and felt in despair for a few days. Then I found a kitten that looked just like her. I thought to myself, “I’m going to get that kitten, and name her Chloe!”

The only thing that helped make it feel any better was running out and getting a new kitty. The same happened back in 2010 when we lost Sunshine. I was devastated, until we got baby Milo within a week later.

I’ve been saying for awhile now, that I don’t want any more pets. I don’t even think I’m a very good pet owner. They are a ton of responsibility and I’m tired of feeling like I always fail them.

I wondered if I would feel different, when it actually happened. It doesn’t. I have about zero desire to get another cat, or kitten. I’m thankful for that!

I’m so grateful, that I can find comfort within. I don’t need to run and get “something” to make me feel better. Heck, I didn’t even think about taking a drink, not even once, ha!

Don’t get me wrong, I am just as sad as losing the other cats. My flowing tears when I allow my brain to go to certain places are proof of that. I will miss Milo forever. I think he’s with Bossy and is not in pain, and is happy.

I’m doing something slightly new today. I’m going to a sound bath meditation at a greenhouse, where there happens to be a resident cat. Plants, a cat, a koi pond, I am SO looking forward to tonight! I’m hoping to open my energy centers, unblock any barriers and maybe heal a little.

I plan to visit Crystal Cave, and secretly hope it’s a little more vivid.

I’ll update with the experience later ❤❤❤

Update: Sadly, the sound bath meditation wasn’t as great as I had hoped. The greenhouse was crowded and the ground was cold. I liked that my hands were touching dirt when I was laying on my back. I laid down for most of it, but sat up for the last 15 or so minutes.

I was hoping that the energy would help me get into a deep meditation state- but that didn’t happen.

I think mainly because I was uncomfortable physically. I was cold, and midway through had to go to the bathroom. The greenhouse was a nice atmosphere, and I could hear the water dripping into the pond, but I could also hear the traffic nearby.

It started at 7:05 and ended around 8:15. It was too long. Although, maybe if I were more comfortable, it would have been different.

I enjoyed the sounds, but get this. About 1/3 of the way through, I started to doze off. But, each time I would be awakened with irritation by the singing bowl. This happened a few times, then I started having to go potty- so I wasn’t able to relax enough to sleep after that.

Even though it wasn’t super enjoyable, I hope that it helped open me up, align and polish my chakras. I did do a wall sit during my morning meditation today- hoping to purge anything that got shaken up in my root.

So that’s that! I’ll probably try the sound bath meditation again, but this time in the summer when it’s outdoors and warm.

Miserable May Monday

May 1, 2023

Life’s been a little challenging lately. I think I’m handling it okay, much better than I would have in the past. Work is hard, I mean, like hard. Most of the difficulties have nothing to do with teaching itself. I had a good talk with my mentor today though, that made me feel a ton better. There are a lot of super unhappy people right now, I am not alone, not crazy and not an awful teacher.

Today was one of the hardest.

I was in my last IEP meeting of the school year, and got a text from Hubby asking to call him when I had a minute. That’s unusual, and with his sister being in ICU (same old story…) I felt like I couldn’t wait until the meeting was over. I excused myself and called him back.

He told me they found Milo.

He wasn’t alive. Some poor person found him in their yard and called animal control. They wanted to know if we wanted his body back.

WOAH. I wasn’t expecting that. I tried to wrap my head around what he was saying. Yes, I told him. Tell them to bring him home so we can bury him.

I shook as I waited my turn to talk at the meeting. When it was my turn, I forgot about Milo. After the meeting it was almost time to go home. I got caught up on my daily stuff and was able to not think about it. However, when I got into the car, it was impossible to hold in my emotions.

I just got home not long ago, and plan to cry all night. We will bury him tonight, and have a ceremony sometime tomorrow or this week when we can all be together. My oldest gave me the biggest hug when I got home, but then had to leave for work. He’s struggling too. I reassured him that it’s easier to be at work.

I’m comforted knowing that he’s not suffering. Every cold day, every rainy or snowy day, I wouldn’t be able to escape worrisome thoughts about him and where he might be, and if he’s wet, cold, hungry, etc.

I’m happy when I think of him rejoicing at the rainbow bridge, with his old bestie, Boss.

Milo and Boss would cuddle like crazy, all the time. Milo always tried that with Jules, but Jules wasn’t very interested and would often get up and walk away if Milo tried to spoon with him.

Mostly, though, I just feel sadness and guilt. So much of it. It could have been prevented and that thought just won’t escape my conscious. Ugh.

I’m sorry Milo. Sorry that we failed you. Give Bossie a big hug & kiss from us ❤️❤️❤️

Duality- Hope and Dread

I’m still struggling with our cat, Milo, who has been lost for two weeks now.

In my last post, I referred to a story about a boy, lost in the mountains who was never seen alive again. The night he was lost, it poured and flooded, and I simply can’t imagine what his family was going through.

I bring this up, because I related it to how I felt about my cat, lost while it’s severely storming outside. I realized after the fact, that me comparing my lost cat to a lost child could be very insensitive. That wasn’t my intention, at all. While my pets are most certainly, my “furbabies,” my point was more like, geez if losing a pet feels this desperate and sad, how could you not die of a broken heart after losing a child? I simply could not imagine, for one second, and very grateful that I haven’t lived it.

Yesterday was Monday, and it was back to work after spring break. The whole day was just off. The rain continued, and in the morning, before work, I learned that we don’t have Good Friday off this week- I was banking on a four day week- boo! Work was okay, but I didn’t sleep well- only a couple of hours- so I wasn’t at all peppy like usual. Also I had an online meeting in the morning, and the parent’s smoke detector battery alarm was chirping for the entire hour. I left the meeting with a nagging headache, and it lasted the day.

By the time I got home, I just wanted to surrender, lol. Everytime during the weekend, or yesterday, that I let my mind wander to Milo, I would begin to cry. I knew that I really just needed a good cry session, but didn’t want to get my contacts messed up and my face all swollen. But I desperately needed to get out my angst.

I decided to meditate. I missed my morning session, and wanted to see if I could pick up any signs or messages about Milo. I set my intentions and then my timer.

I went to Crystal Cave, via the river in a kayak to the portage. There were animals in the river with me, and I began to cry.

My mom was at the cave. The messages I received from her weren’t spoken words, more like thoughts.

What the heck? Why?

Her message in a nutshell: This is what you’ve been training for. You knew that something hard is going to come along, and you wondered how you’d handle it with your spiritual growth (my sister and I do often talk about this). You know this is life, it’s full of ups and downs and try to focus on the big picture.

Tears ran down my cheeks the entire time.

I came to a realization during this time. I had been wanting to find Milo alive, or not at all. I couldn’t bear the thought of finding out that he’s gone, forever. I had thought about this many times since he left. I decided that I truly didn’t want to know if he dies or died. I want him home alive, or would rather spend the rest of time wondering what happened to him. I needed to hold onto that hope.

Well, I knew in my heart, that that’s not really healthy. I had a good talk with my mom and the Universe and declared that I need closure, and that I’m ready. Ready to find out the truth, and accept it. It felt good to let the resistance I had go. This felt significant- and I truly expected to find him immediately after- either dead or alive.

“Let’s go to the meadow. Please show me something happy. Something that will make me happy.” I begged my mom.

The cave is dark, but there’s a hallway with a door. And outside the door is the most magnificent meadow filled with colorful flowers.

We went to the meadow and I looked around. I noticed animals, everywhere. It was as if all the flowers turned to animals. I didn’t notice if they were dogs, cats, rabbits, etc. I guess I just saw animal souls, maybe. But it did make me happy, but it also made the tears run down faster.

I finished up and was just thinking when I heard hubby come up from downstairs. I wiped my face and wondered if he’d notice.

“You look tired.” He said, after bending down to kiss me as I sat on the couch (I love that he does this. If he forgets, when he realizes later in the evening- he says, “I didn’t get to kiss you today.”).

“I just meditated and cried the whole time.” I answered.

“I’m sorry.” he responded.

“It’s okay. It was good.” and then, wondering how crazy he thinks I am, followed up with “I talked to your grandma last week..” (she’s been dead since 2002). He didn’t seem to think much of it.

Then I stood up and hugged him and then just cried. It was inevitable. I was, and am so incredibly grateful to have a partner who loves and accepts me with all my quirks- and loves me with open arms (literally).

All of it felt profound, and I went to bed feeling lighter.

I’m still sad about Milo, that will never change. But I’ll try to focus on the good things, and will try to remain hopeful.

Milo come home to us!! We need you home 😿