Old Self/New Self

Old Self comes out every great once in awhile.

I know it when I’m stuffing my face, for no apparent reason- other than coming home from a stressful family party.

I know it when I’m cleaning, and have negative thoughts ruminating in my head.

And I know it, when it seems like every single person is pissing me off, with intention, and when I start thinking mean thoughts about people around me.

Luckily, New Self usually isn’t too far behind.. and will pick up the pieces.

And also, lucky for me, this has become very infrequent these past couple of years.

This is the first time I’ve really had to grieve since welcoming New Self.

It’s been a much different experience than I’ve ever had before.

On Monday after learning about Milo, it felt like I had negative energy. After I got home from work, I channeled that energy and cleaned the house. It was awful, and wonderful all at the same time.

My emotions were raw, and I didn’t hold back. I had music up loud and sang during the happy songs and cried during the sad songs. It was a great way to purge that energy.

It’s been 3 days since I found out, and I’m still very sad. But it’s not taking over my life and my days. I openly cry when I think about it- but then move on.

So what’s so different between losing him and losing Chloe, the last cat I lost back in 2013? After losing her, I could barely think straight. I was very sad, and felt in despair for a few days. Then I found a kitten that looked just like her. I thought to myself, “I’m going to get that kitten, and name her Chloe!”

The only thing that helped make it feel any better was running out and getting a new kitty. The same happened back in 2010 when we lost Sunshine. I was devastated, until we got baby Milo within a week later.

I’ve been saying for awhile now, that I don’t want any more pets. I don’t even think I’m a very good pet owner. They are a ton of responsibility and I’m tired of feeling like I always fail them.

I wondered if I would feel different, when it actually happened. It doesn’t. I have about zero desire to get another cat, or kitten. I’m thankful for that!

I’m so grateful, that I can find comfort within. I don’t need to run and get “something” to make me feel better. Heck, I didn’t even think about taking a drink, not even once, ha!

Don’t get me wrong, I am just as sad as losing the other cats. My flowing tears when I allow my brain to go to certain places are proof of that. I will miss Milo forever. I think he’s with Bossy and is not in pain, and is happy.

I’m doing something slightly new today. I’m going to a sound bath meditation at a greenhouse, where there happens to be a resident cat. Plants, a cat, a koi pond, I am SO looking forward to tonight! I’m hoping to open my energy centers, unblock any barriers and maybe heal a little.

I plan to visit Crystal Cave, and secretly hope it’s a little more vivid.

I’ll update with the experience later ❤❤❤

Update: Sadly, the sound bath meditation wasn’t as great as I had hoped. The greenhouse was crowded and the ground was cold. I liked that my hands were touching dirt when I was laying on my back. I laid down for most of it, but sat up for the last 15 or so minutes.

I was hoping that the energy would help me get into a deep meditation state- but that didn’t happen.

I think mainly because I was uncomfortable physically. I was cold, and midway through had to go to the bathroom. The greenhouse was a nice atmosphere, and I could hear the water dripping into the pond, but I could also hear the traffic nearby.

It started at 7:05 and ended around 8:15. It was too long. Although, maybe if I were more comfortable, it would have been different.

I enjoyed the sounds, but get this. About 1/3 of the way through, I started to doze off. But, each time I would be awakened with irritation by the singing bowl. This happened a few times, then I started having to go potty- so I wasn’t able to relax enough to sleep after that.

Even though it wasn’t super enjoyable, I hope that it helped open me up, align and polish my chakras. I did do a wall sit during my morning meditation today- hoping to purge anything that got shaken up in my root.

So that’s that! I’ll probably try the sound bath meditation again, but this time in the summer when it’s outdoors and warm.

Miserable May Monday

May 1, 2023

Life’s been a little challenging lately. I think I’m handling it okay, much better than I would have in the past. Work is hard, I mean, like hard. Most of the difficulties have nothing to do with teaching itself. I had a good talk with my mentor today though, that made me feel a ton better. There are a lot of super unhappy people right now, I am not alone, not crazy and not an awful teacher.

Today was one of the hardest.

I was in my last IEP meeting of the school year, and got a text from Hubby asking to call him when I had a minute. That’s unusual, and with his sister being in ICU (same old story…) I felt like I couldn’t wait until the meeting was over. I excused myself and called him back.

He told me they found Milo.

He wasn’t alive. Some poor person found him in their yard and called animal control. They wanted to know if we wanted his body back.

WOAH. I wasn’t expecting that. I tried to wrap my head around what he was saying. Yes, I told him. Tell them to bring him home so we can bury him.

I shook as I waited my turn to talk at the meeting. When it was my turn, I forgot about Milo. After the meeting it was almost time to go home. I got caught up on my daily stuff and was able to not think about it. However, when I got into the car, it was impossible to hold in my emotions.

I just got home not long ago, and plan to cry all night. We will bury him tonight, and have a ceremony sometime tomorrow or this week when we can all be together. My oldest gave me the biggest hug when I got home, but then had to leave for work. He’s struggling too. I reassured him that it’s easier to be at work.

I’m comforted knowing that he’s not suffering. Every cold day, every rainy or snowy day, I wouldn’t be able to escape worrisome thoughts about him and where he might be, and if he’s wet, cold, hungry, etc.

I’m happy when I think of him rejoicing at the rainbow bridge, with his old bestie, Boss.

Milo and Boss would cuddle like crazy, all the time. Milo always tried that with Jules, but Jules wasn’t very interested and would often get up and walk away if Milo tried to spoon with him.

Mostly, though, I just feel sadness and guilt. So much of it. It could have been prevented and that thought just won’t escape my conscious. Ugh.

I’m sorry Milo. Sorry that we failed you. Give Bossie a big hug & kiss from us ❤️❤️❤️