Parties, People & Stress

It’s Monday afternoon, and I’m not feeling so good about myself at the moment.

The weekend sucked. My up north friend invited us to her 80’s party. She has one every year and we always miss it. She worked it partially around my schedule- I told her we would go, and we did. But I had two IEPs to write over the weekend, so quite honestly, I took Friday off to make sure I had enough time.

I didn’t even really want to go. The last couple of parties they’ve had I told her no. Reason was that I never get a chance to see her, so when I come up I want just her- not her and her ginormous posse.

We went and it was awful for me. I think my family thought it was okay, but I hated it.

I realize that maybe I have a little PTSD from my drinking. Sometimes parties put me in panic mode and make me want to run, fast!

I barely spent time with my friend and just didn’t even feel like making conversation with anyone. Things would be SO different had I been drinking, that thought never left my mind.

I’ll add that my friend, and all her friends, like all of them, are super nice. It’s not them, it’s me, that’s for sure!

We left around 10 so we could make it home before midnight. I was very glad it was over, and vowed to not go to another wild party for a long time.

The next day we had a birthday party at hubby’s parents to attend. After a few hours, we were all sitting in the living room and people were telling funny stories. They wouldn’t stop- and just talked faster and faster. Someone would end, and someone else would jump in with a new hilarious tale. And this whole time, I was getting more and more anxious- by the time I left I was ready to jump out of my skin, I was so uncomfortable.

It had nothing to do with the people, or conversations. It was me. All me. And I knew that if we hadn’t gone to the 80’s party the night before, my experience would have probably been different. This introvert was spent, and greatly needed some quiet time.

Luckily the in-laws live behind us, so I excused myself after a little while and walked home. I picked up the house, switched laundry and ran the roomba- it felt so good to get things in better order!

I wasn’t feeling good though. I was annoyed that I don’t enjoy parties, or people unless I’m drinking. I was more upset last night than today. Not super upset- just a little bummed- like feeling like I’m missing out on something. Feeling less than, and not worthy– allllll those things.

It was okay though.

I joined this local woman’s online group about a month ago- and they seem wonderful. They post sober friendly stuff and events and hold wellness retreats and things like that. One of their retreats was this weekend. They had rented a house on a lake and went to journal, meditate, do yoga, you know all the things that I’m obsessed with. I knew I couldn’t go because it was the same weekend as my friend’s party.

As I was feeling low last night, I was on facebook and came across pictures of women at this retreat. They had their journals, were relaxed, and looked fabulous.

Then it hit me.

I’m okay. I’m 100% completely okay. It’s okay if I don’t want to hang out with a bunch of people, acting hyper at a loud party.

This is my tribe. These are my people.

So that realization was good.

But now it’s Monday, and my work day is almost over. I haven’t had great connections with anyone all day (not bad connections- just neutral)- and that feels bad. I had two IEPs and they were fine, but I just feel ancy about them and how I’m perceived here. I don’t think my principal likes me. I don’t think the special ed team likes me. I don’t think many people here like me.

I don’t know why I feel so insecure right now. I think I still need to heal my spirit from this past weekend. I will be sure to meditate and journal tonight and/or workout- at least a quick 20 min workout.

I’m going to work overtime on my self-care to feel better each day this week ❤

No Mayto

It’s Saturday today, and thinking back, this week was sort of interesting.

I didn’t feel like working out, so I didn’t.

I didn’t have time, or was in the right headspace, to meditate, so I didn’t.

It was pretty great, I just did whatever I felt like everyday- and those just weren’t it.

Monday was great, work was okay, but my house was a disaster when I got home. I never felt like cleaning last weekend, and everyone follows my lead, so my living room was a junk pit. I spent a couple hours dusting and vacuuming everything after work- it felt good while I was doing it and especially afterwards.

Tuesday was equally as great. Work was okay, and the weather was warm and gorgeous. I sat on the deck after work, soaking it in. I noticed the plants around the pond had a lot of dead leaves on and around them. I decided to weed a little bit around the pond. I ended up working outside for almost two hours and filled a large lawn bag.

On Wednesday, I ran to the store after work to get a couple gifts. I wasn’t very productive after getting home, but I was fine with that.

On Thursday, some people (or person, I can’t even remember now) at work pissed me off big time. I couldn’t help but to feel irritated, even after getting home. Things that I would normally let roll off me, were stuck in me, in the form of ruminating thoughts.

These thoughts were out of control and I realized as I analyzed them, that my mind was actually making up theoretical stories about people not liking me, doing me wrong, etc. It was then I realized that this was a “me” problem, and nothing more.

I’ve gotten smarter though, and I’ve got tools.

I remembered the Ho’oponopono prayer and began to say it whenever I had a negative thought.

By bedtime, I was reciting it constantly.

Friday was a better day, and while I didn’t work out or meditate, I vowed to start working out regularly next week, including walks before work because now it’s finally warm.

I’m going to walk today and actually, I did meditate last night.

I was laying on the couch with hubby and randomly wondered if he would go to Crystal Cave with me, the fictional meditation place to meet.

So I asked him, “Wanna play a mind game with me?”

“Sure.”

He knows that I go to the cave and sometimes see and talk to deceased relatives or meet my living sister there (when she does it at the same time). So I told him to meet me there. I told him how I get to the cave- via the river that we both love to kayak on so much. I told him we should pick a special place, and he said that the river would be appropriate.

So we laid together and went to Crystal Cave.

I don’t always have a lot of visualizations, but this time I did. Right when I walked into the river, I was holding his hand and encouraging him to come with me.

“Come on!” I was dancing like while dragging him behind me. We walked our canoe for some of the way in the river because it was very low (which happens sometimes in real life). We got into the canoe and it was deep again. When we reached the portage (this is near the cave entrance), our canoe tipped over and I was swimming in deep water. It was a sunny day and the water wasn’t cold and felt good. It was euphoric, almost. In real life, there are sometimes water snakes on the bottom of the river near this spot, but none in my meditation.

When we got out of the river, I wanted to go left towards the cave. He wanted to go right- to the bridge over the river. We stood on the bridge and watched the water. Salmon, or whatever fish that swim upstream and jump out of the water were there- lots of them. I don’t even think they exist around here in real life- not in the Huron river anyways (at least I don’t think).

We went to the cave next. His grandma was there. Then, I saw him as a little boy- probably 6 or 7. His grandma kissed him on the cheek. I left them alone and went to the meadow. I hung out in the meadow for a few, and by the time my timer went off, hubby and I were sparks dancing in the beautiful meadow.

“Wow!” I said when we opened our eyes. “Did you fall asleep? I had quite the experience! Did you see or hear anything cool?” He said he did not.

I told him everything and asked him if his grandma used to kiss him on the cheek. She did not. Not that he really remembered anyways- and I think that’s something that would stick.

“There’s a hallway with a meadow?” He asked surprisingly when I got to the end. I explained that I wanted to leave some things up to his imagination and that the meadow was something that was later added to my meditations to the cave. I added it because I was going through a dark time, and the cave was just way too dark for me. So there’s a hallway that leads to a door to the beautiful meadow. I didn’t tell him all of that until he was retelling me his experience, he mentioned that the cave was dark and dank. I told him that’s how the meadow was born, lol.

Then he retold his experience. Surprisingly, to me, he also had many thoughts/visualizations. His were all memories. He recounted specific events he remembered as he walked through the park (the river flows through a state park). He saw the trail he rode his bike on as a kid- his family camped at that park frequently. He saw the sign he once repainted- he worked for this park as a teen/young adult- mowing lawns and maintaining the park. He saw the building he slept in when his brother got married and remembered the joyous occasion. His brother and future wife rented part of the park out for all of their guests and held a wedding reception for an entire weekend. There are so many memories from this weekend, this was before I knew this family, but I’ve heard joyful memories recounted for the past 20+ years.

Somehow I think all those memories flooding his mind was good, maybe even somehow therapeutic.

Something clicked while he was retelling me all of this. I realized that the very spot that I chose to find solace, was the very place that my husband, who I’ve long suspected is my soulmate, has spent so much of his life at all different stages and ages.

I never even knew about the portage and the bridge until I met him. You would think that when I chose how to get to Crystal Cave, I would have picked a place that was significant in my childhood, not a place that I discovered as an adult. No wonder why he was so vivid in my meditation. I had planned to meet him at the cave, not lead him there. But right when I started he was right behind me.

I think it’s super cool and significant- but then again, I think everything is significant!

I’m happy my hubby played my mind game, and hope that we can go to Crystal Cave again sometime soon.

I guess it’s time to get on with my Saturday- I hope you enjoyed today’s nonsense 😜✨

Spring Break 2023: Mixed Bag

The good has been, really good.

The bad has been, really bad.

This break has been a bit of everything…

It’s Friday, so I should stop talking like it’s over, because we still have nearly three full days left!

This break has been about the perfect mix of relaxation, play and productivity.

On Monday, I cleaned out all my top cupboards in the kitchen. The bottoms were already pretty organized, so it feels good to have a fully organized kitchen (with extra shelf space with all my purging).

Monday was my oldest’s 20th birthday. I had lots of time to clean because he spent the day with friends.

Do you like how they all dressed up for his birthday? You’ll never guess where they went to dressed like that.. I’ll give you a hint, they had to drive an hour and go out of state to get there!

Why in the world do we not have a single Waffle House in Michigan?

My kiddo’s favorite YouTube er, retweeted this pic and mentioned them on his show, The Breakfast Stream, so my boys were ecstatic 🤩 It’s all good, clean fun! 🙌🏻🎉

On Tuesday, I worked out hard and was sort of lazy the rest of the day. I can’t remember what I did to be productive, but think I did all the laundry.

On Wednesday, I went to my grandma’s house to visit her. I hadn’t seen her since the summer of 2021 at my son’s graduation party. I’ve been meaning to visit her since last summer, so I was so glad to have the time to see her. My dad, stepmom, uncle David and sister and her kids were there too. My dad ordered pizza and I had stopped at Kroger to get my grandma a small gift. While there I got a bowl of fruit and bag of milk chocolate to share. It was all yummy and all got eaten.

I brought the boys with me and on the way home we stopped at a game store (for my oldest- we were in a new town so he wanted to check it out), and then the dollar tree and a donut shop. The donut shop was 30 minutes from closing so we literally bought the last 12 donuts, so we didn’t get a choice in flavors- but they were SO good!

On Thursday I had a lunch and pedicure date with Peter’s mom, Andrea. We have become good friends over the past couple of years, and we haven’t hung out since the start of the school year. We’ve always enjoyed talking about teaching and school, but it’s different now that we’re teaching in the same district. That was extra fun, talking about happenings, gossip and people we both know or work with from the district. She was supposed to get married this summer, but told me she broke it off. He doesn’t have kids and he is a little too outspoken and opinionated for her taste (in regards to parenting). I was sad to hear this. I’ve never met him, but was so excited for her! I know though, that if it’s not right then it truly is for the best. I want her to find the most perfect guy- she deserves it out of anyone I know.

Now it’s Friday. I had high hopes for today. I wanted to visit Rumi’s bakery this morning, because they have gluten and dairy free donuts and I’ve wanted to try them forever.

I woke up at 4:30, which was fine because I felt awake, having slept a lot yesterday. I thought, cool I’ll get an early start. I did some Reiki during wall sits, and then meditated. Then I got incredibly sick feeling while trying to drink my coffee. I ended up having to turn off everything, I was so chilled and just slept on the couch till 8:00 am. I still don’t feel great and have a minor but nagging headache.

My little sister visited my big sister last night because she’s in Florida for the week. There was definitely drinking and my first thought this morning is that I have my little sister’s hangover! I know it seems far fetched, especially since she’s 1000s of miles away, and I haven’t drank in years, but we are super connected. Very often, we’ll discover that we had the same conversation with a family member the night before, or she think of calling me, and I’ll call her that same instant– it’s definitely weird but has been happening for a while now. I think we’ve had each other’s physical ailments before also.

The headache, the sick stomach from coffee, and then in general, awful chills…. it’s very reminiscent of how I felt after a night of drinking- so yeah, I’m a little hungover today 😭😭😭

While it feels like it’s ending, I keep reminding myself that we still have three days left! This weekend is kind of exciting too, because it’s Wrestlemania. The kids are having a few friends over, and while I don’t care so much for Wrestlemania (I will probably watch a little- it reminds me of when my kids were super young and it was always on on Monday and Friday nights- and that makes me feel warm and happy), I am super excited for all of the delicious snacks we’ll surely have.

So while all this sounds fun and great, it’s still been a sad week. Milo.

He’s gone. It’s cold, and pouring rain today. It’s simply awful to have someone you love just “out there,” missing. How do people go on after losing people, people who go missing and who are never found again? How can you ever stop looking? I guess you won’t.

I think after four months I stopped looking for him. But he came back. Will he come back this time? Will it be in one month? Five months? A year this time? More?

It makes me incredibly sad to think about. While he’s been sick, he hasn’t liked to be outside when it’s below freezing. The night he left it was mild, but we’ve had cold days since. To think of him out there, miserable in the cold makes me cry.

Some people have told me that maybe he left to go die. “They don’t want to hurt us,” they’d tell me. Maybe he left to go die.

Those aren’t exactly words of comfort, but do make me wonder.

The very worst part, is that we were so close to maybe finding answers- to maybe helping him get over this nasal problem and back to his normal mischievous self. Now I have to cancel his appointment, today. It’s not until next week, but I want to make sure that they have enough time to fill that slot. I hope someone on the waiting list gets to get in and save their pet. It’s the only silver lining to this dreadful situation.

So that’s Spring Break 2023 in a nutshell!

Detox Day 18- A Change in Perspective

This morning when I woke up to use the bathroom, I noticed my foot was inflamed.

My first thought was, things are moving, my body is healing, yay body, you’ve got this!

This is huge 🤗

So many negative thoughts and patterns that did not happen..

I didn’t get worried.

I didn’t feel mad, or even sad.

I didn’t reach over and take the NSAIDS on my nightstand.

I was grateful, and thanking my body- and it was automatic – which is the best part.

I have no idea what time it was (around the 3:00 hour, I imagine), but was able to get back to sleep- without stressing about taking meds (my hands were sore but not awful, and by foot felt fine if I didn’t walk on it).

I slept well until about 5:30 or 6:00, then got up. I think my foot would have been okay to walk on (sometimes it gets better as I use it), but thought it was a good opportunity to skip my morning walk and instead take my dog to daycare. He’s boarding there next month, and hasn’t been there at all since school let out, so it was good for him to go for a short day. I intend on doing a indoor bike workout today.

I fed the pets before taking him, and held off on NSAIDs- only taking Cat’s Claw for inflammation.

I came home and did my lemon water, then celery juice and finally made a double batch of the smoothie so I get another easy day tomorrow 🎉

It was a little tough driving and then managing my excited doggo at the center with how sore my hands were. Additionally, when I got home I was having extra trouble with opening doors and my oranges for the smoothie (I had to get my 13 year old- the only other person awake to help me with peeling the oranges 😊). So by 8:00 or so, I took Motrin and Tylenol- even though I really didn’t want to.

It’s been a very nurturing day. I had a delicious lunch with spinach, sprouts, a baked potato and honey mustard dressing all mixed together and raspberries on the side.

After lunch, I took a good nap. While eating lunch, hubby asked if I had any plans. “A nap.” was my response. I felt lazy and irresponsible-and he must’ve seen it in my face because he immediately followed it with, “Not that you need to do anything, I was just wondering.”

It was said in a kind and compassionate way, and I really really really just appreciate him during this time. I’m not sure that I could be that patient if my spouse was laying around all the time. He’s a good one 💕😍

I took about a 40 minute nap after lunch and kind of sore all over when I woke up, so I made some “anti-inflammatory” tea. I saved this recipe awhile back, but this is my first time making it. It’s okay tasting, not sweet but a lot spicy.

That’s it for now. It’s Friday, and I’m hoping to at least ground outside again today. I wanted to float in the pool, but it’s just not that hot, and not so fun to get in and out when you’re sore. I did some yoga and reiki while grounding yesterday and intend on doing the same today. I’ve been wanting to paint (canvas with acrylics) all week, but haven’t had the drive to get out everything yet. I would like to paint later, but we’ll see.

I’m a million percent okay with staying on the couch, if that’s what my body wants. I can always do reiki and visualizing from here 😉

I need to also make time to meditate! It’s been awhile, and it’s so important for my peace of mind, and ultimately my healing.

I guess I better drink up and get busy.

Happy Friday!! ❤️🎉☀️