It’s Monday afternoon, and I’m not feeling so good about myself at the moment.
The weekend sucked. My up north friend invited us to her 80’s party. She has one every year and we always miss it. She worked it partially around my schedule- I told her we would go, and we did. But I had two IEPs to write over the weekend, so quite honestly, I took Friday off to make sure I had enough time.
I didn’t even really want to go. The last couple of parties they’ve had I told her no. Reason was that I never get a chance to see her, so when I come up I want just her- not her and her ginormous posse.
We went and it was awful for me. I think my family thought it was okay, but I hated it.
I realize that maybe I have a little PTSD from my drinking. Sometimes parties put me in panic mode and make me want to run, fast!
I barely spent time with my friend and just didn’t even feel like making conversation with anyone. Things would be SO different had I been drinking, that thought never left my mind.
I’ll add that my friend, and all her friends, like all of them, are super nice. It’s not them, it’s me, that’s for sure!
We left around 10 so we could make it home before midnight. I was very glad it was over, and vowed to not go to another wild party for a long time.
The next day we had a birthday party at hubby’s parents to attend. After a few hours, we were all sitting in the living room and people were telling funny stories. They wouldn’t stop- and just talked faster and faster. Someone would end, and someone else would jump in with a new hilarious tale. And this whole time, I was getting more and more anxious- by the time I left I was ready to jump out of my skin, I was so uncomfortable.
It had nothing to do with the people, or conversations. It was me. All me. And I knew that if we hadn’t gone to the 80’s party the night before, my experience would have probably been different. This introvert was spent, and greatly needed some quiet time.
Luckily the in-laws live behind us, so I excused myself after a little while and walked home. I picked up the house, switched laundry and ran the roomba- it felt so good to get things in better order!
I wasn’t feeling good though. I was annoyed that I don’t enjoy parties, or people unless I’m drinking. I was more upset last night than today. Not super upset- just a little bummed- like feeling like I’m missing out on something. Feeling less than, and not worthy– allllll those things.
It was okay though.
I joined this local woman’s online group about a month ago- and they seem wonderful. They post sober friendly stuff and events and hold wellness retreats and things like that. One of their retreats was this weekend. They had rented a house on a lake and went to journal, meditate, do yoga, you know all the things that I’m obsessed with. I knew I couldn’t go because it was the same weekend as my friend’s party.
As I was feeling low last night, I was on facebook and came across pictures of women at this retreat. They had their journals, were relaxed, and looked fabulous.
Then it hit me.
I’m okay. I’m 100% completely okay. It’s okay if I don’t want to hang out with a bunch of people, acting hyper at a loud party.
This is my tribe. These are my people.
So that realization was good.
But now it’s Monday, and my work day is almost over. I haven’t had great connections with anyone all day (not bad connections- just neutral)- and that feels bad. I had two IEPs and they were fine, but I just feel ancy about them and how I’m perceived here. I don’t think my principal likes me. I don’t think the special ed team likes me. I don’t think many people here like me.
I don’t know why I feel so insecure right now. I think I still need to heal my spirit from this past weekend. I will be sure to meditate and journal tonight and/or workout- at least a quick 20 min workout.
I’m going to work overtime on my self-care to feel better each day this week ❤