Awkward Situations

Day 1171

It’s Friday! It’s been a LONG week. I’m still spending a great deal of time on the AIP diet/prep/etc. And school/work is dragging on. Most everyone is done today, but my district still has another full week. Next week can’t come soon enough!

I had a little bit of a breakthrough last weekend. I was super busy so I didn’t eat many of my normal “treats” that I batch bake on the weekend. Knowing my weekend was nuts, I took Monday off. By midday Monday, I noticed that I didn’t need any OTC pain meds at all that day. My hand/wrist pain was unusually mild. Many times, the pain gets worse throughout the day as I use my hand, but not this day. Also, I usually at least need Tylenol or Motrin in the morning, sometimes both when it’s really bad. I didn’t have anything upon awakening. This was exciting!

Monday continued on. I had a nice day, complete with lunch and a few errands with my oldest. Lunch was significant, I’ll get to that next.

I started my batch baking Monday afternoon, snacking on delicious batter while I worked, and then sampling the deliciousness that emerged all hot and wonderful.

Within hours my pain was back, but more of it and it was all over. My toes felt like rubber bands were wound tightly, my feet ached and both hands ached.

Something, caused this, and I suspected it was something I had eaten. The pain was different, much different, knowing this, but in a good way.

Now it’s Friday and I’m still experimenting with food. I think coconut, cassava and avocado could be culprits, so I’ve been staying away from them this week. It’s hard. I forgot and dumped coconut aminos in my dinner, and then it was leftovers for two days after. Yesterday was a good day, no pain meds, all day long. However, I woke up with my left hand being extra sore. It’s like the pain is just moving around, I hope this is a good sign, it can move on out!

I’m hopeful that as my gut heals, I’ll be able to pin point foods that are problematic. I’m totally eager to ditch the pain.

On Monday, my day off, my oldest and I had lunch. I’ve found that Outback Steakhouse has a couple things that I can eat, and so far the food hasn’t bothered me.

He brought up my drinking- which he rarely does. He doesn’t remember me being crazy and doesn’t understand how deep in it I was. He had been talking to my niece about how my sisters and I act when we’re drunk.

“I don’t remember you drunk much. I just remember you being sad, and then tired when you drank.”

My younger parenting days is a huge trigger for me. I started to cry, right then and there at the restaurant.

“That’s not the reaction I expected.” He regrettably said.

What followed was a really great conversation– one about triggers and trauma and the importance of us taking care of ourselves. It was awkward, but good. At least I thought so, but as far as I know the boy could still be traumatized over making me cry.

I had another awkward moment with my uncle, my mom’s brother. My cousin had a summer kickoff party last weekend and I hadn’t seen some of that side of the family for a few years now.

It was sort of weird because I look much different than I did three years ago. One of my aunts didn’t even recognize me to say hi when we were next to each other. Also, since I’ve lost a lot of weight, I look more like my mom than ever before. It was strange at times.

I had some really great conversations with my uncles. When talking to my uncle Bill, we got kind of deep. During our conversation, I had a weird urge to ask him for one more hug. We hugged and then he kissed my cheek. I’m not a hugger, by any means. When I saw this meme pop up the following day, it immediately resonated with me.

In retrospect, I believe my mom was there and spoke through me. It doesn’t matter, it was perfect ❤️

I think of how my life was a few years ago and get goosebumps. I love, love. I love knowing and identifying fear, and myself. I love being confident and proud. Most of all, I love not having to hide. For so long, I felt so much shame. Mostly for things I was still doing. When I stopped doing those things, the shame didn’t go away and it took me a long time to be able to talk proudly about my sobriety.

It’s hard work, but worth every second.

So that’s it. A lot of love mixed with perfectly awkward conversations and situations ❤