I Screamed at God for the Shooting Child

“I screamed at God for the starving child, until I saw that the starving child was God screaming at me.” – Tony Agnesi

It’s 2:30pm and the rain is scheduled for 3:00, and to last for days. This is fine with me, perfect actually. I usually don’t like the rain, but it’s fitting today.

My mental health has been BLAH. I’m in week 6 of the AIP diet and it feels like I’m sicker than ever. I went to get an iron infusion a couple days ago, and my hemoglobin had dropped a full point in four days. I go back on Friday and might need a blood transfusion. I don’t know why this is happening and it’s frustrating. Meanwhile, I feel that my diet is healthier than ever, and “food is thy medicine” so what the heck?? 

My hand is also still in a lot of pain unless I take 4 Motrins and 2 Tylenols. I’m trying to NOT take them, and sometimes go without, but it leaves me in misery and an unusable hand (trust me, you have no idea how much your dominate hand does for you, until it doesn’t).

It would be different if I were living it up, eating pizza, candy and drinking beer. I guess I did do that for years, so now I wait for the healing. Years of abuse doesn’t get erased with a few weeks of doing the right thing, but it’s still kind of irritating.

I also want to touch on the recent school shooting in Texas.

This feels different to me. A cousin posted something about arming teachers with guns. I’ve never wanted anything to do with this idea, until now. We have to do something, and I recognize myself as part of the ‘we.’ Well, I mean, when I get the use of my hand back 🙁

We need gun reform.

I am so sick of people saying that guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Or- if they didn’t have a gun, they’d find another way to do it.

Our current society is sick. I read about kids killing kids in America nearly every single day.

A few weeks ago in Wisconsin a 10 year old, walking home from her aunts, with her 14 year old cousin, was murdered and then raped by him.

This week a couple teens robbed and shot a 20 year old and a 16 year old in a neighboring town.

I work at a pretty affluent school, and even there we have some family horror stories, kids of the family baring the brunt of the disfunction and toxicity.

The cycle goes on and on.

It seems like the insane is starting to outnumber the sane.

I don’t understand why it is harder to adopt a puppy than to buy a gun in America.

Maybe it wouldn’t be an awful idea for someone to have to take a class, like a six month- or year long class- before purchasing a gun.

Perhaps we need to consider the mental health of each individual..

Mental health is also an area that needs some changes, mainly acknowledging the problems society faces when trying to get help. That’s the worst part, and we somehow need to make this a priority.

When my son sent me this text yesterday, I felt responsible.

All I could think of is Tony Agnesi’s quote, one of my favorites. I don’t think I ‘got’ it until this text conversation.

Actually, that’s a bit presumptuous- I’m sure I have a lot more learning to do around it, but I love it and can’t say it out loud without crying.

Only yesterday, it was a ‘shooting child’ I was screaming at god, or the world for.

But all I heard was the world screaming at me.

Prayers and love for Texas ❤️🙏🏻