Old Self/New Self

Old Self comes out every great once in awhile.

I know it when I’m stuffing my face, for no apparent reason- other than coming home from a stressful family party.

I know it when I’m cleaning, and have negative thoughts ruminating in my head.

And I know it, when it seems like every single person is pissing me off, with intention, and when I start thinking mean thoughts about people around me.

Luckily, New Self usually isn’t too far behind.. and will pick up the pieces.

And also, lucky for me, this has become very infrequent these past couple of years.

This is the first time I’ve really had to grieve since welcoming New Self.

It’s been a much different experience than I’ve ever had before.

On Monday after learning about Milo, it felt like I had negative energy. After I got home from work, I channeled that energy and cleaned the house. It was awful, and wonderful all at the same time.

My emotions were raw, and I didn’t hold back. I had music up loud and sang during the happy songs and cried during the sad songs. It was a great way to purge that energy.

It’s been 3 days since I found out, and I’m still very sad. But it’s not taking over my life and my days. I openly cry when I think about it- but then move on.

So what’s so different between losing him and losing Chloe, the last cat I lost back in 2013? After losing her, I could barely think straight. I was very sad, and felt in despair for a few days. Then I found a kitten that looked just like her. I thought to myself, “I’m going to get that kitten, and name her Chloe!”

The only thing that helped make it feel any better was running out and getting a new kitty. The same happened back in 2010 when we lost Sunshine. I was devastated, until we got baby Milo within a week later.

I’ve been saying for awhile now, that I don’t want any more pets. I don’t even think I’m a very good pet owner. They are a ton of responsibility and I’m tired of feeling like I always fail them.

I wondered if I would feel different, when it actually happened. It doesn’t. I have about zero desire to get another cat, or kitten. I’m thankful for that!

I’m so grateful, that I can find comfort within. I don’t need to run and get “something” to make me feel better. Heck, I didn’t even think about taking a drink, not even once, ha!

Don’t get me wrong, I am just as sad as losing the other cats. My flowing tears when I allow my brain to go to certain places are proof of that. I will miss Milo forever. I think he’s with Bossy and is not in pain, and is happy.

I’m doing something slightly new today. I’m going to a sound bath meditation at a greenhouse, where there happens to be a resident cat. Plants, a cat, a koi pond, I am SO looking forward to tonight! I’m hoping to open my energy centers, unblock any barriers and maybe heal a little.

I plan to visit Crystal Cave, and secretly hope it’s a little more vivid.

I’ll update with the experience later ❀❀❀

Update: Sadly, the sound bath meditation wasn’t as great as I had hoped. The greenhouse was crowded and the ground was cold. I liked that my hands were touching dirt when I was laying on my back. I laid down for most of it, but sat up for the last 15 or so minutes.

I was hoping that the energy would help me get into a deep meditation state- but that didn’t happen.

I think mainly because I was uncomfortable physically. I was cold, and midway through had to go to the bathroom. The greenhouse was a nice atmosphere, and I could hear the water dripping into the pond, but I could also hear the traffic nearby.

It started at 7:05 and ended around 8:15. It was too long. Although, maybe if I were more comfortable, it would have been different.

I enjoyed the sounds, but get this. About 1/3 of the way through, I started to doze off. But, each time I would be awakened with irritation by the singing bowl. This happened a few times, then I started having to go potty- so I wasn’t able to relax enough to sleep after that.

Even though it wasn’t super enjoyable, I hope that it helped open me up, align and polish my chakras. I did do a wall sit during my morning meditation today- hoping to purge anything that got shaken up in my root.

So that’s that! I’ll probably try the sound bath meditation again, but this time in the summer when it’s outdoors and warm.

My Mama πŸ’–πŸ’ž

Who was your most influential teacher? Why?

I’m no longer going to feel guilty for saying that her death was both the best & worst thing to happen in my life (so far πŸ™πŸ»).

She was always my greatest teacher.

She taught me grace when our lives seemed to be crashing down.

She taught me compassion and perseverance, and to never give up no matter what.

I know, that she had no idea how great she was, and the positive influence she had on so many people.

I personally believe that modeling is the most effective parenting strategy, and she did it without even knowing the positive traits she was instilling in us. She had no idea how big that was, this I know for sure.

But it was her death, that had the biggest impact, by far, of course.

I cried, and screamed and asked God why.

I hated life for awhile, and people who still had their mamas.

I gave alcohol all my love, and shunned my family. The former allowed me to escape my misery- if only for an evening.

It was exhausting.

I was so sick & tired of being sick & tired.

So I began to heal. And heal some more, and more.

In my recovery, I’m still learning from her.

If I could go back, I’d rather have her here, and continue life like a selfish and entitled a-hole, but that’s impossible.

So, you see, the tragic sudden passing of my mom started a chain of events that would change my life in unfathomable ways.

I have never felt this kind of peace ❀️