Duality- Hope and Dread

I’m still struggling with our cat, Milo, who has been lost for two weeks now.

In my last post, I referred to a story about a boy, lost in the mountains who was never seen alive again. The night he was lost, it poured and flooded, and I simply can’t imagine what his family was going through.

I bring this up, because I related it to how I felt about my cat, lost while it’s severely storming outside. I realized after the fact, that me comparing my lost cat to a lost child could be very insensitive. That wasn’t my intention, at all. While my pets are most certainly, my “furbabies,” my point was more like, geez if losing a pet feels this desperate and sad, how could you not die of a broken heart after losing a child? I simply could not imagine, for one second, and very grateful that I haven’t lived it.

Yesterday was Monday, and it was back to work after spring break. The whole day was just off. The rain continued, and in the morning, before work, I learned that we don’t have Good Friday off this week- I was banking on a four day week- boo! Work was okay, but I didn’t sleep well- only a couple of hours- so I wasn’t at all peppy like usual. Also I had an online meeting in the morning, and the parent’s smoke detector battery alarm was chirping for the entire hour. I left the meeting with a nagging headache, and it lasted the day.

By the time I got home, I just wanted to surrender, lol. Everytime during the weekend, or yesterday, that I let my mind wander to Milo, I would begin to cry. I knew that I really just needed a good cry session, but didn’t want to get my contacts messed up and my face all swollen. But I desperately needed to get out my angst.

I decided to meditate. I missed my morning session, and wanted to see if I could pick up any signs or messages about Milo. I set my intentions and then my timer.

I went to Crystal Cave, via the river in a kayak to the portage. There were animals in the river with me, and I began to cry.

My mom was at the cave. The messages I received from her weren’t spoken words, more like thoughts.

What the heck? Why?

Her message in a nutshell: This is what you’ve been training for. You knew that something hard is going to come along, and you wondered how you’d handle it with your spiritual growth (my sister and I do often talk about this). You know this is life, it’s full of ups and downs and try to focus on the big picture.

Tears ran down my cheeks the entire time.

I came to a realization during this time. I had been wanting to find Milo alive, or not at all. I couldn’t bear the thought of finding out that he’s gone, forever. I had thought about this many times since he left. I decided that I truly didn’t want to know if he dies or died. I want him home alive, or would rather spend the rest of time wondering what happened to him. I needed to hold onto that hope.

Well, I knew in my heart, that that’s not really healthy. I had a good talk with my mom and the Universe and declared that I need closure, and that I’m ready. Ready to find out the truth, and accept it. It felt good to let the resistance I had go. This felt significant- and I truly expected to find him immediately after- either dead or alive.

“Let’s go to the meadow. Please show me something happy. Something that will make me happy.” I begged my mom.

The cave is dark, but there’s a hallway with a door. And outside the door is the most magnificent meadow filled with colorful flowers.

We went to the meadow and I looked around. I noticed animals, everywhere. It was as if all the flowers turned to animals. I didn’t notice if they were dogs, cats, rabbits, etc. I guess I just saw animal souls, maybe. But it did make me happy, but it also made the tears run down faster.

I finished up and was just thinking when I heard hubby come up from downstairs. I wiped my face and wondered if he’d notice.

“You look tired.” He said, after bending down to kiss me as I sat on the couch (I love that he does this. If he forgets, when he realizes later in the evening- he says, “I didn’t get to kiss you today.”).

“I just meditated and cried the whole time.” I answered.

“I’m sorry.” he responded.

“It’s okay. It was good.” and then, wondering how crazy he thinks I am, followed up with “I talked to your grandma last week..” (she’s been dead since 2002). He didn’t seem to think much of it.

Then I stood up and hugged him and then just cried. It was inevitable. I was, and am so incredibly grateful to have a partner who loves and accepts me with all my quirks- and loves me with open arms (literally).

All of it felt profound, and I went to bed feeling lighter.

I’m still sad about Milo, that will never change. But I’ll try to focus on the good things, and will try to remain hopeful.

Milo come home to us!! We need you home 😿