Awkward Situations

Day 1171

It’s Friday! It’s been a LONG week. I’m still spending a great deal of time on the AIP diet/prep/etc. And school/work is dragging on. Most everyone is done today, but my district still has another full week. Next week can’t come soon enough!

I had a little bit of a breakthrough last weekend. I was super busy so I didn’t eat many of my normal “treats” that I batch bake on the weekend. Knowing my weekend was nuts, I took Monday off. By midday Monday, I noticed that I didn’t need any OTC pain meds at all that day. My hand/wrist pain was unusually mild. Many times, the pain gets worse throughout the day as I use my hand, but not this day. Also, I usually at least need Tylenol or Motrin in the morning, sometimes both when it’s really bad. I didn’t have anything upon awakening. This was exciting!

Monday continued on. I had a nice day, complete with lunch and a few errands with my oldest. Lunch was significant, I’ll get to that next.

I started my batch baking Monday afternoon, snacking on delicious batter while I worked, and then sampling the deliciousness that emerged all hot and wonderful.

Within hours my pain was back, but more of it and it was all over. My toes felt like rubber bands were wound tightly, my feet ached and both hands ached.

Something, caused this, and I suspected it was something I had eaten. The pain was different, much different, knowing this, but in a good way.

Now it’s Friday and I’m still experimenting with food. I think coconut, cassava and avocado could be culprits, so I’ve been staying away from them this week. It’s hard. I forgot and dumped coconut aminos in my dinner, and then it was leftovers for two days after. Yesterday was a good day, no pain meds, all day long. However, I woke up with my left hand being extra sore. It’s like the pain is just moving around, I hope this is a good sign, it can move on out!

I’m hopeful that as my gut heals, I’ll be able to pin point foods that are problematic. I’m totally eager to ditch the pain.

On Monday, my day off, my oldest and I had lunch. I’ve found that Outback Steakhouse has a couple things that I can eat, and so far the food hasn’t bothered me.

He brought up my drinking- which he rarely does. He doesn’t remember me being crazy and doesn’t understand how deep in it I was. He had been talking to my niece about how my sisters and I act when we’re drunk.

“I don’t remember you drunk much. I just remember you being sad, and then tired when you drank.”

My younger parenting days is a huge trigger for me. I started to cry, right then and there at the restaurant.

“That’s not the reaction I expected.” He regrettably said.

What followed was a really great conversation– one about triggers and trauma and the importance of us taking care of ourselves. It was awkward, but good. At least I thought so, but as far as I know the boy could still be traumatized over making me cry.

I had another awkward moment with my uncle, my mom’s brother. My cousin had a summer kickoff party last weekend and I hadn’t seen some of that side of the family for a few years now.

It was sort of weird because I look much different than I did three years ago. One of my aunts didn’t even recognize me to say hi when we were next to each other. Also, since I’ve lost a lot of weight, I look more like my mom than ever before. It was strange at times.

I had some really great conversations with my uncles. When talking to my uncle Bill, we got kind of deep. During our conversation, I had a weird urge to ask him for one more hug. We hugged and then he kissed my cheek. I’m not a hugger, by any means. When I saw this meme pop up the following day, it immediately resonated with me.

In retrospect, I believe my mom was there and spoke through me. It doesn’t matter, it was perfect ❤️

I think of how my life was a few years ago and get goosebumps. I love, love. I love knowing and identifying fear, and myself. I love being confident and proud. Most of all, I love not having to hide. For so long, I felt so much shame. Mostly for things I was still doing. When I stopped doing those things, the shame didn’t go away and it took me a long time to be able to talk proudly about my sobriety.

It’s hard work, but worth every second.

So that’s it. A lot of love mixed with perfectly awkward conversations and situations ❤

Universal Gifts

I finally got off the couch and went back to work.

And soon discovered that I have the best job in the world.

I came back to notes, presents and a special gift from an unlikely substitute teacher.

It was a great day back and I was just as excited to see the kiddos as they were to see me.

I had a routine checkup with my rheumatologist yesterday. I was pretty excited, because although my hand/wrist is still flaring, I was hopeful my bloodwork results would be better than before. After all, I’ve been eating a more balanced diet for a whole month now. They were pretty impressive before, and my hemoglobin (which is sometimes low and I sometimes need IV iron) has begun to rise on its own since last year.

She took one look at me, shook her head, pointed her finger and said I looked pale and would probably get a call in the morning that my bloodwork results are bad.

The next morning I got that call. Luckily, everything is decent except for my hemoglobin, which is 9.1- whereas it was over 11 just eight months ago.

I’m hoping it’s wrong, or maybe low because I’m still recovering from the flu. I have an appointment with my hematologist in about 10 days and will have it rechecked.

I’m hoping for a rebound and no IV infusions needed. If not, and I need iron, then fine. I’m sure I’ll be more energetic if that’s the case.

I’m just sort of disappointed in the whole thing. But it’s just like drinking alcohol, when I thought my health should be SO much better after abstaining for 30 days. In reality, it’s taken my body years to heal from the abuse, and it’s still healing. I imagine my diet/gut health is the same, and will take time. In the grand scheme of things, 30 days is nothing.

One more thing, because the universe always knows what we need.

This is in the beginning of the book Lindy left me. I can’t wait to read it- after all my death woes, I know I was meant to read this- Devine Intervention.

Be well everyone ❤


Ho’oponopono is a magic prayer.

I’m not very proud of my post from yesterday. It screams ‘Pity Party’. Before I wrote, I knew that I needed some gratitude practice. So before I even started, I jotted this down:

It did help, along with writing my post.

I cried during meditation yesterday and today. I think a big part of my distress is the guilt I feel for being an psychotic alcoholic for such a big part of the marriage. Did I do this to him?

I try not to think of the regrets I have, mainly regrets I have as a self-absorbed drunk mom.

And as these words thoughtlessly flow onto the page, I’m realizing that I just called myself some pretty harsh names, unfortunate, but not the point.

My ego is out of control, stress, and hormones (PMS).

While I was writing this, hubby got up and hugged me as he sauntered downstairs to begin work. I cried. I told him maybe his problem is because of me, how I was, for so many years. And then I told him that I have regrets, and I hate them most of all because I can’t change them. During all these years of recovery, relapses and struggling with Day 1’s , I don’t think I’ve ever told him about my regrets. So many things we just assume other people know, or assume that they don’t need to know. But maybe this is important.

Yesterday, I could almost literally hear my soul and my ego arguing. That little voice, my soul, kept saying things like, bundle up, just go for a walk, nature will be good, fresh air will be amazing, we need this.  Well, not the last one, but I did know that I needed it.

Ego tried hard to talk me out of it. He said things like, It’s way too cold, the treadmill will be so much easier not having to bundle up, if I go out for a walk, I’ll have to take the dog but he’s been so annoying on walks, just take a bath- it’s self-care. He really didn’t want me to go. But I listened to my soul and I put on two shirts and pants, a huge coat, scarf hat gloves and went 2 1/2 miles. The dog was annoying, but it was good to get him out and it did my soul good, although last night and today the nasty voice is still pecking at me.

I did a lot of praying last night- or pleading with my soul. I asked Spirit to help me sleep and to give me guidance. I am a huge believer that people, situations and things are sent to us with a purpose and I wanted the Universe to know I was expecting it and looking out for it.

A while back, I have no idea when, maybe summer of 2019, I kept seeing a word pop up everywhere- ho’oponopono, and I thought it must be a sign, but I didn’t do anything with it and it fizzled out.

This morning while reading from a book of lessons based on A Course in Miracles , it came up again. The lesson talked about Dr. Hew Len. Basically he got a job at Hawaii’s State Hospital dealing with the criminally insane (murderers, rapsists, etc). Previous employees quit within the month. Hew didn’t work with the inmates directly, like the doctors before him did. Knowing that we create our reality, he explains that he was healing the part of himself that created such atrocities. It’s pointless, he says, to try to heal others. All he could do was focus on healing himself.

Dr. Hew Len practiced the ho’oponopono prayer, by himself while looking at the patient’s files, and gradually the atmosphere around the hospital began to change. Patients required less meds, less shakling. Somebody began to tend to the gardens and tennis courts and the place was transformed. The prisoners, one by one, were eventually released. Within four years, the ward was closed down permanently.

This speaks to me.

Ho’oponopono returned, but this time I’ll listen.

Going to tape it to my wall, my fridge, my car. Going to repeat it as much as I can.

A Simple Hawaiian Healing Prayer: Ho'oponopono - Cupcakes and Yoga Pants

It’s a forgiveness prayer. Forgiving is magic.

And within two minute I receive this email: