My AIP Life on the Couch

It’s been an odd week.

On Sunday, I picked my youngest up from an overnight birthday party at noon. The mom, a good friend of mine, warned me that he might need a nap that day.

On the way home he told me his whole body was sore from playing Ghosts in the Graveyard. I am truly sorry if you don’t know what this is, it’s a staple of my entire childhood and I feel immense joy whenever kids these days get to enjoy it.

He crashed right when we got home and didn’t wake up until 7pm that night when we got him up to eat. He had the body aches/chills/etc and it was apparent that this was more than just exhaustion.

He stayed home on Monday, while I got ready and drove to work.

It was a weird morning. I had to cover another teacher’s class for a few minutes because her son was sick and she had to wait for her mom to come and babysit. She got there earlier than planned and I was able to see my first group for almost the entire time.

The next session was fine, but I got suddenly sick during the following group. I hung around for a bit- thinking it would pass– but it did not. I left and all I could think of driving home was how badly I wanted to go to sleep. And I did. And now it’s Wednesday, and I’m still on the couch achy and exhausted.

The weird thing is that since I got diagnosed with RA, I rarely get sick or catch bugs that are going around. Even working in a school, where it’s so common to get sick every fall with every new germ- that was never me.

Maybe my immune system was too busy being in overdrive? Maybe as my gut heals, my immune system will level out a bit and while it sucks to get sick, maybe just maybe this could be a good sign?

I’m feeling lots of hope with this. Feeling anything but hope cannot be an option. I have to keep my mental thoughts high- or else I know this won’t work for me.

So, yay!!! It’s working!!! Now if I could just get off this couch 😉

Day 1131 & My AIP Life

This coming week will be week 4 of being on the AIP (Autoimmune Protocol) diet.

On one hand, I can’t believe that I haven’t had caffeine & sugar, and gluten & dairy for this long. On the other hand, I can’t believe I’m not really feeling any different 😬 I would have thought that I’d feel amazing by now.

I keep telling myself that my gut’s been leaky since at least 2013/2014 & that it’s just going to take time to heal.

On the flip side, I’m eating some super delicious foods. I think my tastebuds have changed and I highly enjoy the most simple things like chicken soup.

Eating meat has been fine. I’d still rather have beans. But health comes first.

I think my favorite thing in the world is fresh spinach leaves. I eat them with everything & in smoothies. I love to steam the leaves with cauliflower rice & coconut amino/ginger seasoning. But really, they’re good with everything, and delicious hot or cold.

My workouts these past few weeks have been few & far between. I’m spending a ton more time in the kitchen preparing meals. Also, since I love sweets, I usually spend hours on the weekend making AIP approved goodies. I know that if I don’t have them on hand, I’ll end up cheating, so it’s mandatory.

I’m not hating my time in the kitchen. It feels good to cook & eat fresh & I’m loving all the produce on display.

Lunch for one day

Dessert

It’s easy to see now, how my struggle and subsequent abstinence of alcohol has helped me with this diet (Geez I hate that word, protocol, instead maybe?). The alcohol journey has taught me to be more receptive and respectful to my body when examining how things make me feel. No more dragging myself through horse shit- that ship has sailed.

So it helps to be honest with myself and that’s a big part of what I’ve learned.

So thank you, alcohol journey. You truly are the gift that keeps giving.

Death will be the Life of Me

Death is a trigger for me, and I’m not really sure why.

I only say this because of how impacted I’ve been, my entire life, by deaths of even people I don’t know.

I don’t know why death is such a huge thing for me. I had a safe childhood and didn’t lose anyone close to me until I was an adult.

The only significant event happened when I was about 5. My mom’s brother Bob died of cancer at age 21, back when I was a toddler. My mom had a picture of him in his casket. When we came across it, the subject of death came up. She told me that everyone dies at some point.

This was so upsetting to me, that it’s still a strong memory from my childhood.

I had a friend, Jonathon P, pass away at the end of our 8th grade year. He was more of an acquaintance to me, but we were in the same friend group. While his passing was a shock, it was due to a chronic illness, something I had no clue about beforehand. I remember being sad & confused, but nothing out of the ordinary.

The next death affected me for many years. A good friend of my sister’s lost her husband in a car accident. He was a teacher and going to meet with his principal on Martin Luther King Day, when the rest of the school was closed. His car hit black ice and slammed into a tow truck, dying instantly. He left behind a wife, young son and a six month old baby girl.

How could this happen? I looked up to this couple so much, they both had it all, and having just gotten married, I aspired to be like them.

At the time, my husband was driving almost an hour to and from work. We often talked on his drive home, and I always had a fear in the back of my mind- he could crash while we were talking. I can’t say this fear had a huge impact, but it was there.

I’m happy to report that this friend ended up finding another partner a few years later, had a third child and has a very happy life right now and has had for a long time because this happened about 20 years ago.

One thing I’m realizing, is that death has been an issue with a big impact even long before 2014- MY year of loss and deaths.

But why?

Why do certain deaths affect me so much more than others?

What makes one death so much more awful and heavy than the others?

Why do some news stories, like that poor teen who died on the ride in Orlando recently, make me cry like I saw it myself, or like I know the family?

And all the others, like Jack & Kathy, who I wrote about, and thought about for months.

I think this “death fear” inside me is prohibiting my body’s healing.

When I went to my 1st Reiki class in October, I declared that my body was going to heal itself! I proclaimed it to all, and talked to the teacher about purging trauma- even trauma from a past life. And in doing this exact thing, I became obsessed with the Kathy and Jack murder, right in the midst of doing wall sits on my lunch (wall sits help purge trauma, my teacher said..).

Since then, death keeps coming up and up.

I think that I really need to work on this… I need to change my perspective. Death isn’t final, I know that, but that’s not what bugs me.

People losing people bothers me. Yeah, death isn’t final, but if I ever lose a kid and you say that to me, you can expect to get punched in the face.

Death is final, and it’s sad. The books that I study say otherwise. It’s just an illusion, it’s not even real- they say.

Okay, I want to be more awakened, but seriously. If I lost an immediate family member, no amount of knowledge or beliefs is going to make me not miss them any less, or be less angry or sad over circumstances.

So how do I keep death out of my living life? I mean, all year long now I’ve been affected by the deaths of people I don’t even know.

So why does this matter? I’m trying to heal my inflammation and have the belief that illness is a manifestation of suppressed feelings and emotions. I’ve been on the autoimmune protocol diet for a few weeks, with little relief to my inflammation. Physical therapy, nor my weekly injection seem to bring much relief, if any.

All this death stuff came out after I declared my intention of helping my body heal itself. I have to believe that it’s somehow connected.

Writing this out has helped a bit. Now it’s time to ponder. Any words of advice is appreciated ❤️

Physical Pain, Mental Pain, is it all the Same?

It’s a sunny but chilly Saturday morning, here in the northern state of Michigan. There was a dusting of snow on the deck when I woke up, yuck. It’s April and we are all ready for the weather to break.

For my 45th birthday a few weeks ago, my family got me tickets to something called Bovine Therapy. They’re all coming too and we will have an hour to snuggle with cows! I’m really excited for this, but do wish it was going to be a little warmer today, the high is only 40.

My recent posts have been a lot about the AIP diet I’m on, or trying to be on. I figured I’d update and want to write about a big “A-Ha” moment I had yesterday.

The entire week was an AIP success, in my eyes at least. For the past several days, I’ve steered clear of gluten, caffeine, sugar, nuts, beans and legumes, rice, seeds, nightshades and a few other things. Caffeine and sugar are the big ones for me to give up- I have an addiction.

The first time I cheated was yesterday. It started with lunch. I had Panera and had peppers in my soup and parmesan cheese in my salad. Last night I had a Larabar (all natural ingredients but has cocoa and nuts), an oatmeal cream pie and 3 little Easter chocolate eggs.

My pain had been noticeably decreased the past few days, so I wondered if I would wake up today in more pain, but my hand is still about the same. I didn’t take pain meds upon awakening, that’s good for me. While I’m happy this “binge” didn’t seem to affect me, I’m eager to get back on track today. Additionally, I have been picking up ingredients here and there all week so I plan to make some yummy meals and sweet treats this weekend.

Nothing feels as good as eating an AIP compliant meal or dessert that I find absolutely delicious. I haven’t found a ton, yet, but feel like I’m adapting recipes to fit my liking and this is becoming easier the more I learn and practice. I was stoked to make a chicken and cauliflower rice dish with coconut aminos and ginger seasoning that tasted just like a yummy Asian dish. I had never cooked with spices like that before and was over the moon excited. I eyeballed the spices and when I made it again a few days later, I put WAY too much ginger. It was strong and not great, but you live and learn, right?

Ok, so back to my epiphany.

First, I feel that it’s important to say that for awhile now, I have a belief that the illnesses/sicknesses we have in our body is a direct result of suppressed emotions. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at my inflamed hand and scratched my head until it was raw because I can’t figure out what I’m holding onto.

As I cut out sugar this week, I felt like I was looking at it like I look at alcohol. No, I shouldn’t have it- it will come with loads of consequences that aren’t really worth the two second taste of it. So CAN I eat it? Yes! Is it worth the consequences? No. This helped me especially when I came across unexpected goodies at work or home.

So, yesterday morning my sister and I were talking on the phone and decided to draw a card from our spiritual deck to give me a message for the day.

The card was called, “Let Go” and talked about letting go of addictions. I told her, “Hey that’s perfect! This means I’m right on track, I AM letting go!” Then I told her about how my thinking had seemed to change and I was able to think about sugar like alcohol.

Then she said something that I have never considered that absolutely blew me away.

“Isn’t it funny, how the very first coping skill, the first addiction, food, is now the thing that you are almost being forced to overcome now?”

My jaw dropped. Food has always been an issue with me, always. I found life hacks to get around this imprisonment, most notably having irreversible bariatric surgery ten years ago.

Immediately after the surgery, I felt a freedom I had never felt before. I no longer had to think about dieting or what I was going to eat- I simply couldn’t eat the things that were killing me, and it was an awesome feeling!

What I didn’t acknowledge is that transfer addiction is real, and I already loved my alcohol a great deal. With the stomach surgery, the alcohol effect is much more severe and it’s common for us to become alcoholics. And I did.

You know the rest.

Geez, everything truly is connected I’m realizing more and more. I think that as I purge caffeine, sugar, etc, I’ll be able to work through any emotional stuff that comes up.

I don’t know why this was so mind blowing to me, typing it out makes it seem really obvious, but it wasn’t. Not to me, anyways.

I mean, I’m working on my diet 100% because of my inflammation and the hope of decreasing and getting off the medication I’m on for RA. I hadn’t considered the mental and emotional effects.

I’m still trying to digest this and figure out what it means. I guess I really need to pay attention to what triggers me to cheat and go from there.

This truly makes me more confident that complete healing is quite attainable if I keep at it.

Namaste ❤

Betsy, Shut Up!

Ahhhhhhhh! Today is the first day of spring break! It’s about 6:30am on Saturday morning and I’m eagerly waiting for next week.

Tomorrow is my oldest’s birthday, he’ll be 19.

Monday is my three year sober anniversary. Three years ago, on my kiddo’s birthday, was the last time I’ve had a sip of alcohol. I haven’t been thinking about it too much, to be honest.

About a month ago, I had a hair analysis done to check my body for toxins and nutrients. I’m trying to figure out how to help this flair in my hand/wrist. It’s been two years! I remember, it first got bad at the start of the pandemic in spring of 2020. I went over the results with the nutritionist, who told me from the beginning that they really don’t do full elimination diets anymore. I was pumped. The first thing I said to her before committing to the test is, “I really have no interest in doing an elimination diet.” I had been there, and it never worked out. I was never consistent or without cheats, and never was successful with it. All it caused was stress and anxiety.

Her recommendations did not make me happy. She wants me to do a detox diet for 14 days and then the autoimmune protocol diet for 30 days.

I’m slowly coming to terms with this. It’s truly what I need to do, if I’m serious about helping myself. The 14 day detox diet is rough. Zero sugar. Not even fruit. Something about “starving the cells.” I believe in it.

So… i’m trying to prepare this weekend. There’s no better time, and it’s not even taking up summer break.

I’ve always wanted to go to a wellness retreat or a rehab facility that encompasses the “whole” person when getting healthy. Meetings, journaling, mediation, yoga, healthy meals, loads of sleep, and self-care up the wazoo! I’m going to try to simulate this experience at my house next week. I want to do all those things and will actually have the time.

The worst part thinking about all this is coming to terms with the fact that I’m going to start eating meat again. It was a heavy decision, and has been slightly haunting me, but I think it’s the only way I’ll be able to do this diet. I know of vegans who do the autoimmune diet, but it’s so incredibly overwhelming to me with all the restrictions, I don’t feel that I can get adequate nutrition with the current knowledge I have on it. I’ll need to cut out beans, legumes, soy, and a lot of vegetarian staples of mine. I hope I don’t start having nightmares about eating my pets.

I feel a little full circle-ish. When I was 37, after I was diagnosed with RA, I first learned and tried an elimination diet. This was the first time in my life that I was forced to look at my alcohol consumption. Heck, now that I think about it, this could have opened the door to my sober curiosity. I wasn’t successful with the diet, or quitting alcohol back then, but it certainly stands out as my first attempt.

This was a couple months before my mom died, and a couple years before I would look at myself as having a drinking problem.

Now it’s been eight years and I’ve successfully quit alcohol. So why on earth does this stupid temporary diet scare me so much? It’s so frustrating!

I feel caught up in the cycle. Betsy has been running my mind since the conversation with the nutritionist, trying to talk me out of it.

I know this is what I need to do. I don’t know why I have so much anxiety about it. I think I’m afraid to fail. Especially after spending a lot of money on the test and now on supplements she’s recommending to heal my gut. If I truly want to get better and maybe even get off my RA meds, I have to give this a shot! I have to change my thinking. This is what Betsy has been saying:

You aren’t going to be able to eat anything.

This is going to be so hard and you’re going to feel like shit.

This won’t help your pain.

You won’t have any energy for your workouts.

You tried this before, what makes you think you can do it now?

You get the point, man she is mean!!

I’ve been trying to put a positive spin on it:

I’m looking forward to pampering myself.

I’m so lucky that I have the whole week off and can focus on starting strong.

I’m looking forward to taking a break of my tough workouts and enjoying some leisurely walks and gentle yoga.

I’m going to feel so much better!

I’m excited for a week of self-care.

If I can quit drinking alcohol, then I can do anything.

There are lots of foods that I can still eat.

It’s not nearly as hard as my brain wants me to believe.

Some things never change, eh? I sort of feel propelled back to 2014. I mean, I know I’ve grown a ton since then, but somehow have reverted to my old self. I think it’s because I’m scared. I have a lot of fears of failing this again.

I’m worthy of eating totally clean.

And best of all, I’m two days away from my three year date! Although I won’t be celebrating with cake, I’ll be celebrating my growth, knowledge and continuously improving health with healthy habits.

I think Monday deserves a little shopping trip! Maybe a fresh spring outfit, and/or make-up and maybe even a mani and/or pedi. IDK what Monday will entail, it’ll depend on my mood and energy that day, but I’ll try to find a way to treat myself. I think that’s so important.

In the meantime, if anyone has any AIP ideas or recipes, please spam me with them! I have books on it but they’re about 10 years old and I’m hoping for some updated recipes.

Namaste 

Day #1095

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Unblocked and Writing Again

Day #1067

Last week I found my writing pen! I’ve been blocked for several months and haven’t had any good writing sessions since school started. I’ve tried to write, but it hasn’t felt right and no matter what I did book #3 has been plagued with plot holes and changes. This has been much different than books 1 & 2 where my ideas flowed freely.

I started writing my story, Nova, in 2015, but it was a slow go and I can count the number of times I actually sat down and wrote on one hand. I had a short story published in spring of 2020 (in a book of short stories) and that gave me the motivation and drive I needed to get back to my story. And I did.

The summer of 2020 was empty, sad and magical. I remember one scorching day in July. I was out feeling the water in our pool. The kids were all inside on video games, where they’d been the entire summer, it seemed. Normally, our summer would be filled with scout trips, camping and other activities- but everything was cancelled and we were home for months. I felt so, incredibly sad out there alone on that hot day. I listened to the neighborhood and noted the empty silence. Normally, in July, our street was filled with the sounds of kids– or summer. I think I finally heard a lawn mower in the distance, and that helped me feel more normal, but I’ll never forget that moment and the emptiness that accompanied it.

The entire summer was spent home, and I wrote my story nearly every single day, sometimes up to 8-10 hours. My intuition helped me greatly and continues to help me create this enormous project. I learned to majorly trust my gut, which says this will not be one novel– but a trilogy.

At first it was overwhelming, three novels? I’ve never even written one. But I knew the story, like the back of my hand, and how I wanted to tell it. The first book takes place chronologically after the second one. I don’t know why it has to be told like this, I just know it does, and everytime doubt crosses my mind, I choose to trust.

I finished the bare bones of books 1 and 2 in summer of 2020. It was pure magic. Hours would fly by while I wrote and many times the things that the main characters were going through, would happen to me in real life. It was odd, but kind of awesome. Although, as I write book 3 and writing the biggest climax of the book, I’m worried that some of it will happen. Maybe that’s why I’m blocked- who knows.

Back to my writing pen, which I picked up sometime last week. My third book, Supernova, is finally flowing again! I had two different plots written out and couldn’t decide. A third story line came out of nowhere and I think I’ll be able to use it and have decided which plot to connect it to. I liked both of them, and couldn’t choose, but it looks like only one will work with this new story line, so hopefully I can keep moving this forward.

I used to be determined to get this trilogy published, no matter what, because (as I would always say), I didn’t want my music to die inside me (a Wayne Dyer quote). I feel differently two years later. I’d love to finish this project, but there’s no deadline. Maybe I’ll spend the rest of my life working on the bare bones of this story, but who cares? It makes me happy to write it, so I’m just gonna keep writing and hoping that I can continue to access the amazing ideas that my soul comes up with ❤

February is my Comfort Food

Despite a boat load of snow and a blast of arctic air, today is a pretty great day. First of all, it’s Friday and it’s a snow day for all of us (except hubby- who is bummed- but that’s the small price to pay for working from home so I don’t feel bad for him- AND he doesn’t have to drive). Secondly, next week is mid-winter break. Now, this sounds way better than it actually is. For me, mid-winter break is having Monday off. For my kids, it’s having Monday and Tuesday off. Some districts around us have all next week off. I wish we did too, but it all evens out in the end. I’m happily gobbling up my four day weekend!

While February has been a source of comfort these past few years, I’m thinking about my mid-winter break a few years ago. I was in the drinking cycle, and it was a Monday or Tuesday. The kids and I were off, hubby was at work (before Covid he had to drive in). I was cleaning up and feeling bored, so I decided to finish the box of wine I had in the garage. There was only enough for a glass or two, so I thought I would just have that then stop. But I didn’t. There were more like 3 or 4 glasses left, and after it was all gone, I wanted more. I drove to CVS buzzed and bought more. I wondered if the cashier could tell I was lit and felt weird and/or bad buying it. I’m kind of surprised I remember that part.

I came home and you can guess the rest. It was probably like 2:00 or 3:00, and I was passed out in my bed by 6pm. I don’t think I had dinner or anything, but woke back up around 9:00 and felt bummed that I missed/wasted the day. I also felt bad for being passed out drunk when hubby got home, but played it off like it was no big deal. It was a huge deal, for me anyways.

I still think of that day whenever I think of “day drinking.” Fortunately, it’s a horrible memory for me and just those words bring me right back to the loneliness and misery of being in active addiction.

So why is February like comfort food? The very first time I quit drinking was on February 11th. The second time I quit was also in February (I think). The third time was in March, but it’s the same time of year so this late winter/early spring is clumped together in a positive spin.

The wet, frigid air is my hope and newfound happiness. Sort of weird, I know.

The wet, slushy streets remind me of walking off those intense cravings in early sobriety. It was cold, but I felt so alive, such a different feeling than the usual.. numbness.

I remember how it felt good, to feel good.

The rare but mild and sunny days remind me of the treasure that’s waiting in the wings- the lazy and glorious days of summer. The thought of summer without alcohol is as golden as a surprise Friday snow day. This is so strange but real.

To me, February is shedding my skin and making space for the new and wonderful.

Day 974 – Thanksgiving 2021

Happy Thanksgiving fellow Americans!

It took me over 44 years, but I think I finally get it.

I’m not stressed about the time.

I’m not stressed about the food.

I’m not stressed about the gathering, or gatherings.

I’m not stressed about the drama and other things I can’t control.

This year is different.

I put up a grateful tree (we didn’t put up a tree at all last year, so putting one up for Thanksgiving is huge) and we spent the month making grateful bulbs.

I’m looking forward to family.

I’m looking forward to good food.

Last year I wasn’t stressed much either. I stayed home all by myself. I hiked with my dog. I practiced much self-care and sponsored a turkey named Jackie. I wasn’t strong enough to combat certain situations within the family, and so I stayed.

This year has been a big turning point and I don’t feel the need to ignore the holidays, and for that I am so grateful.

Today we will celebrate with my dad and his fiance. I will see all my siblings (hopefully) except Angie in Florida. I don’t have to bring a lot and I’m excited to start baking in a little while. My youngest sister had a baby in September, and I finally get to meet her today!

We’ll miss dinner at my mother and father-in-laws, but will probably stop there for a little while after my dad’s house.

I’m not sure why this day ever stressed me out so much to begin with?

Happy Thanksgiving, from my family to yours ❤

P.S. I’m still obsessed with the Kathy Radtke and Jack Keyes murder. I’ve only told like two people, but thinking I should tell my hubby. I know I’m going to cry telling him. I don’t want to cry about it to him and I don’t want to make him worry, but I feel like I’m hiding something from him. It’s weird!

Love Has Won – Or Has It? The ‘ Other’ Side of This Loving Tribe…

My sister is a Dateline fanatic. I don’t think she ever misses an episode and I can’t understand how she doesn’t get tired of the insurance money-hungry spousal murderers and other twisted tales.

“You’re not gonna believe this one!” She said to me one morning on my way in to work. She proceeded to tell me about this insane Cult that was featured on a Dateline episode.

“The message is good, it’s all of love, but the people are crazy! It’s called Love has Won, and their leader, Mother God, died and they mummified her and built a shrine out of her room.”

Wait, what? Did she say, Mother God?

“You mean Amy Carlson?” I asked.

“Yes, Amy Carlson, she was Mother God.”

I was shocked for a few different reasons. First of all, I knew about Amy and her facade but had no idea that she died. And what? They made a shrine of her body, what the heck?

You see, I knew all about this “cult,” Love has Won. But I was hearing a side that I didn’t know.

In March of 2020, I found the Facebook page for Love has Won and started to watch the daily streams. I related to the girls on the stream as they talked about issues that I was passionate about as well. I wondered what it must be like to be enveloped in a group that’s only prime purpose was to spread love. They talked about “Mother God” frequently, but I never recall seeing Amy Carlson on the stream. However, the stream featured a huge tapestry with a beautiful picture of “Mother God” in the background and was seemingly full of love. I looked up to the hosts, who seemed so cool and confident as they shared the message of love.

A couple of months went by and I unsubscribed from the live stream and Facebook page. One of the Facebook pictures showed a group of naked people out in the wilderness. I can’t remember what they were doing, and you couldn’t see any front parts, just the back. Seeing that made me uncomfortable and I decided that it wasn’t a group for me.

Thinking back to that time period makes me feel weird. It was during the very beginning of quarantine and the world, in general, was full of fear.

After I heard about this on Dateline, I went to work and couldn’t stop thinking about Mother God’s demise.

When I got home, I watched some videos on Youtube about the Love has Won group. It was depressing. This Love has Won group seemed to be nothing like the group I used to watch on live stream.

I saw Amy Carlson, AKA Mother God, looking at the camera and cussing out her followers.

I saw Amy Carlson, AKA Mother God, lock a child in the closet, because they all come to her to look after the unruly children (that’s what she told Dr. Phil, I found the clip on Youtube).

They lived on a compound that resembled a junkyard, shown in the police video.

The house was run down and messy.

The room Mother God’s corpse was in looked like any modular home bedroom, complete with Christmas light decorations, except for the dead body mummified in the bed.

They said she was covered with Christmas lights. They used essential oils to mask the odor. Her eyes were taken out, and her sockets covered in makeup and glitter.

Former members talked about how they were mistreated- and how they escaped, some narrowly.

I was mindblown for a bit. Mindblown that something could appear to be one way, but in reality be something completely different. I suddenly felt horrible for the young pretty hosts, who happened to be young women. The same women I had been envious towards, previously.

I saw pictures of Mother God, but to see her on Dr. Phil looking like she’s on drugs or drunk was eye-opening. How could anyone trade their life to follow this drunken and cussin’ leader?

But I can see why and how.

I got sucked in a little bit.

It was the first month of Corona, and I was feeling desperate. I relied on this group for positivity and camaraderie. I am a middle aged adult with a large support system, but I can only image getting sucked in so much harder if I didn’t have that in my life.

These groups prey on lost souls, and how could this one be evil with a name and message like that?

https://www.civilbeat.org/2020/09/meet-the-new-cult-in-town-love-has-won-now-quarantining-on-kauai/

Saturday Newz- Bye Bye Seltzer Shackles

Day 941

In the very beginning, the mention of having drinks would bring up feelings of anger or jealousy. It felt unfair. Why can’t I have a seltzer in the hot tub? That was jealousy, anger felt different– deeper. Why is she throwing it in my face that she can drink, but I can’t?

I didn’t understand why my “friends” would continue to make me feel like this by continuously bringing it up and it even felt mean at times, as if they were rubbing it in my face.

Today I see it for what it really was, my psychosis. While I wasn’t clinically psychotic, my faulty thoughts and beliefs probably could have put me in the loony bin if I let them rage on.

I feel different now, although once in a great while I’ll hear about drinking and romanticize about it. Mostly, though, it’s the least appealing thing out there.

I’m doing this workout challenge with a few people and one of them texted the other night about too many seltzers in the hot tub. You want to know what I really heard?

I was shackled by seltzers in the hot tub.

I didn’t feel jealous, or envious, or wishful. I felt sad, and sorry for this person, who I hope never finds her life hijacked by her Betsy.

Sometimes I can’t believe that I made it out. Other times, I fear any regression or change that may cause me to go back. Hopefully these little reminders are enough to keep me far from the very thing that held me down for so long.

In other news, life is good.

I took an online Reiki class last February (during Zoe’s abscess ordeal) and put 100% into it. I loved learning about energy and the impact on our body and have enjoyed practicing it (which I’ve only been doing on myself, certain people for practice, my pets, plants and home). The class was very cheap, like $14 and by the end I had a Reiki Master certificate. I felt like I learned a lot from the class- there was a lot of information and it was all interesting to me.

I’ve felt for awhile now, that since I took a cheap class online, I’m not legit. It’s a problem, because if I have that belief inside me then my Reiki will never work on anyone. So I took Tuesday off work to go to a real life legit Reiki class. The lady is local to me, has good reviews and I’ve actually been in contact with her before I took the online class. Now I feel ready and that this is the perfect time.

I’ll have to take a second class to be fully certified, so I’ll see how this one goes and sign up if I feel like it will help my growth.

I am so incredibly excited for this class. I’ve never been this pumped to miss a day of work to go to a class.

Lastly, and maybe most excitedly, hubby has started the Course with me. I mean, we’re doing Pam Grout’s “cliff notes” version, but I’m still in awe. I’m so excited for him to do this and also to see his growth. I’ve already seen some amazing growth from him from the past several months, so I think this will just keep up the momentum. He has a very busy head, and knows it, but sometimes doesn’t know how to make it stop.

Happy happy Saturday, ya’ll! We are up to our ears in septic shit. We have to replace ours and are in the process of trying to hook up to city water and sewer instead of replacing the septic tank, and it’s proving to be a huge pain the the rear. Luckily, hubby has been dealing with it mostly, but he’s freaking out about two different things he’s hearing from the city- and our plumber- which we already gave a huge deposit to and the two of them are disagreeing about how deep to put the pipes. Hubby is running every single bad scenario in his head, and with this huge of a project with so many different people involved, it’s been a tad stressful. He wasn’t able to talk to the plumber last night, but has a call set up this morning. Hopefully all goes well- this project can’t be over soon enough.

Good thoughts people, just good thoughts ❤