Help Me See this Another Way

Today is Friday the 13th, and quite frankly, I’m scared Sh**less.

It’s been an icky week. As I’m typing how awful it was, I’m realizing, though, that really, it was not a terrible week. No one died, no pets got horribly sick, I didn’t have a ton of appointments- it could have been worse.

On Sunday morning, I got an email from a teacher who got under my skin. Although I tried to put it in the back of my mind, it overshadowed all of Sunday. It wasn’t a horrible email- it’s just a really irritating situation in general.

On Monday, I had to meet with her and my principal. I dreaded the meeting horribly- but it actually wasn’t that bad and we made some progress towards some solutions (the MAIN problem is the lack of staff and support and scheduling teacher assistants-this teacher wants more support than we are able to give her, and it just sucks).

Tuesday was a fine day at work. However, I had the first of 10 classes of this professional development I’m taking. It was Tuesday after work and went until 9:15. The instructor was teaching it like there’s no tomorrow, and any hope of getting out early was lost. I’m very happy it’s online though.

On Wednesday, I received an email that I think will change me forever. It was from a parent, and the worst (angry wise) email I’ve ever received in my life. Unlucky for me, it was to me, and me alone. Lucky for me, it wasn’t an attack on me, personally, so that helped. It stemmed from an unfortunate incident involving the bus and the sub bus driver that morning.

On Wednesdays my hubby goes straight from work to give swim tests to Boy Scouts. He doesn’t get home until I’m in bed and so I wasn’t able to talk to him about it to debrief Wednesday night. I was able to talk to colleagues during the day, but they were just irritated with me. Not at me, just with me.

On Wednesday night and Thursday morning, I begged the Universe to give me a day of positive connections and positive interactions for Thursday. While I did have positive interactions, I was also riddled with technological and other stupid, but minor, problems throughout the day.

On Thursday I gave angry parent’s daughter an assessment and she did incredibly better than when I tested her in the fall. Any joy that I felt about this was overtaken by dark thoughts of that email. It’s not that I was taking it personally, I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. In fact, it stole every joyful moment on Thursday.

For the first time in my teaching career, I wanted to quit.

By Thursday night, it was still bugging me. I think that by then, I was more bothered by the fact that it was bothering me, than I was about the actual email.

When hubby asked about it, I told him how I felt. He asked if he could read the email and I asked him to help me see it another way.

You see, I talk to him all the time about seeing things and situations from another perspective. Usually, though, it’s him that won’t let a situation go and me calming him, telling him how useless it is to let it occupy his mind. I think he might be listening.

His response wasn’t profound, but it was extremely helpful.

First he explained that based on the email, this was probably a person who normally cusses while talking and that’s just the way they are. But he pointed out that when the parent wrote fu**ing, he put the stars in there and had the thoughtfulness to sensor it.

Then he reminded me that while this parent was in a horrible situation and feeling so angry that transportation couldn’t help him, he trusted me enough to reach out to me for help.

And that was all I needed to hear, as simple as it may be. And he was right.

I’m still apprehensive, and still kind of want to get out of this field, but I’m feeling much better.

It’s Friday, mid-morning, and so far the work day has been good. I have a few absent today, and we have a three day weekend, so today feels comparatively easy.

I’m still feeling slightly apprehensive about the date, but happily feeling grateful as I wrote this out and realizing that for how awful I felt on Wednesday and Thursday, I really do have so much to be grateful for.

I need to remember that “This too, shall pass.” It might hurt like a kidney stone, but.. ❤

Evolution of a Vision Board

This has been a pretty busy week! Today is the Thursday of the second week of our break. As it comes to a close, work thoughts are creeping in 😫 This week has gone by way too fast!

On Monday morning, I had a call with a practicing psychic, meaning she was practicing her skills on me for no charge. I thought she was pretty good. She said two people (spirits) showed up for me right away and described my grandma and grandpa.

They said a few things, nothing really noteable, but something my grandma said sat with me.

“She just wants you to know that you are loved.” is what the psychic told me.

Basic, I know, and general. But, here’s the thing.. not being liked is an issue I have within myself. I’m oftentimes gauging whether or not people like me. Now, I realize that them liking me, hating me or being indifferent has nothing to do with me. It’s irrelevant to my life and basically none of my business. So, when I get the feeling that someone doesn’t like me, I brush it off and tell myself that haters gonna hate, and he/she is just a miserable twat, etc.

But, what if it wasn’t? What if I could just assume that everyone likes me, unless they state otherwise. I don’t like judging people, and try not to, but isn’t this exactly what I’m doing?

Furthermore, why do I always get this feeling- is it because it’s really me that doesn’t like me? I think, or thought, that I liked myself just fine, but now I wonder considering the thoughts I have.

Coincidently, (as if I believe in coincidences 🤣😂), I started and finished my mandala that same day.

The ‘Mandala’ I’m referring to is pretty much a vision board. It’s an activity that correlates with the Lotus and the Lily soul program.

My thoughts before and while making it centered around this idea about being liked or not. I determined that in order to solve this, I just need to open my heart completely. Just like Michael Singer has been telling me for years via his book, The Untethered Soul.

So my the conditions for manifesting came onto my board as Love. I will do my best to give Love freely, receive Love freely, thank Love freely and to feel Love freely.

I think it’s absolutely perfect, totally fitting and will open doors that may be inconceivable at the current moment.

I added some other favorites onto my mandala, such as the H’oponopono prayer, and actions to take for an awesome and joyful life as well as the name of my year, River Lo Goes With the Flow.

My nickname is Lo & the name means to just go where life takes me, riding it downstream. Like Abraham Hicks says, “Nothing that you want is upstream.”

One of the areas I need to focus growing is to lessen my resistance to things, “going with the flow” you might say. To me, this looks like saying yes, whenever I can- even if it’s very last minute.

I knew that would go on my mandala for a few weeks now, and it coincidentally goes perfectly with opening up my heart ❤️

There are some material or tangible items that I planned on putting on my board, but it just didn’t fit in, and seemed completely unnecessary and frivolous.

It was exciting for me to look at the 3 boards I’ve made to compare.

My boards are pictured below, in chronological order:

Mandala, Fall 2019

Mandala, January 2021

Mandala, January 2023

The one is very basic. Rainforest vacation, long hair, fitness, healthy family, healthy marriage. I guess I was really aiming to be healthy 🤣🤣😂 And boy was I!!! I made this in the fall of 2019, and 2020 was maybe my healthiest year yet.

The best part of this mandala was the unintentional things that occurred (to read more about it, see link below)

I was trying to obtain more healthy habits, and feel that I succeeded- at least when it came to physical health.

By the time I did the Lotus book a second time, I was sharpening my spiritual health. I put ideas such as “Think, Believe, Imagine” for Manifesting and strengthening my intuition and psychic abilities. It’s broken down into 3 learning areas- Spiritual, Mental and Physical. It’s easy to see how these ideas are deeper than my first board.

Now there’s the 2023 mandala. It has no pictures, but the mandala itself is a picture. Most of the phrases would not make sense to most people- but it’s meaningful to me.

Magic is my word for 2023, but I don’t think that made it onto my board 🤦🏻‍♀️

I wonder what kind of magic this mandala will bring me.

I wonder what my next mandala will be like ♥️

https://thedevildrinksvodka.wordpress.com/2019/10/20/my-mandala-and-the-truth/

No Wine-ing about It

Once in awhile it’ll hit me, how different my life has been these past few years.

Like when I think about my recycle cupboard. The high spot above my fridge- where I’d keep my bottle of poison, along with the many empties I’d produce each week.

This sounds kind of lame, but I sort of felt like a super hero when my large recycle bin no longer contained a surplus of empty kahlua, vodka or wine containers. I also don’t miss my indoor liquor/recycle cabinet.

I don’t have to rotate liquor store stops, or make sure I grocery shop after noon on a Sunday (so I could buy liquor), and the perfect Saturday night is spent happily at home- not out wherever at whoever’s house (basically, wherever I could drink the most 😃).

And, an exchange of messages made me realize how much I don’t miss losing things. Expensive, important things 😬🙄

But this morning it was loading the dishwasher..

All the wine glasses, so awkward. Top rack? Too tall. Bottom rack? Too flimsy. Where do I put these dang things? How can I forget so easily after loading wine glasses daily for like TWENTY years?

The wine glasses fit awkwardly

It was one of those moments when I realized how little I missed such a huge and scary daily obsession. Which is bananas, considering the amount of time I dragged my feet to quit.

It was like hiding behind a large door. The door is strong and solid, and protects me from harm, while comforting my brain and belly, and ensuring the safety it provides.

I got tired of feeling stuck, but didn’t know how to get through that door. Slowly, by listening to podcasts and reading quit lit (books to help quit drinking), I gathered enough tools to slowly take down that door.

Busting through it took a lot of strength, courage, effort and faith.

Sometimes I got scared, and ran back to my safe room, slamming the big heavy door behind me.

But a part of me knew I didn’t belong in there. After many tries, I finally broke the whole thing down. What I saw next was shocking.

Rows and rows of open doors surrounded me. Each one was warm and welcoming. Better yet, I could go through each one without becoming a prisoner.

Those doors are the gifts of sobriety, and they tend to multiply 🤗🕺🏼🎉

So, if you’re on the fence, give yourself a chance or two, you’re worth it 🤍

* 3 Years * 9 Months * 5 Days *

Annoying Last Day

It drives me crazy when I’m cranky- or in a pissy mood for no apparent reason at all. Today is this day. I started waking up annoyed a few days ago, and each day it’s gotten worse.

Now it’s New Years Eve day, and everything is perfect, aesthetically, at least.

My morning was “perfect.” I got up before anyone else and did day 29 of the Lotus and the Lily, meditated and journaled. I woke up almost wanting to make my lemon water, then celery juice and then the heavy metal detox smoothie, but I couldn’t muster the motivation or energy. So, I made coffee. I have the ingredients and will do it, one of these days.

I talked to my sister on the phone, put in a grocery order (for mainly fun and extravagant things for tonight) and on the surface felt accomplished. Deep down, however, I felt and still feel icky.

I think much of it is coming from my frustration with hubby. His brother got insanely mad at him and my oldest son on Christmas for a silly prank they pulled. It wasn’t even a prank, actually. The wrapped his gift in all the boxes and plastic wrap we had at our house. The end result was an enormous present that would take a good deal of time and effort to open it.

On Christmas night, I had gone to bed and my youngest was at his cousin’s house- but my hubby and oldest delivered the great gift to the Uncle. I’m not sure what happened next or how it happened- I just know that Uncle got extremely upset after starting to open it, kicked it across the room, called my kid ungrateful and said some other not-so-nice things, while my hubby and oldest high tailed it out of there!

When I heard what happened the next day, I was sure Uncle would have calmed down and regret his blowup. Hubby thought otherwise and knew he’d be mad and complaining to his parents. As it turns out, Hubby was right and his parents chastised him, saying they’re too old for pranks.

What the actual fuck? Who is too old for pranks, and why the hell are they enabling his awful behavior? Anyways, so it’s been a week and Uncle still won’t talk to my family. Hubby sent him a message the day after, apologizing and that it was for fun, meant no harm and that they should hang out before going back to work. It went unanswered.

I was proud of Hubby for taking the high road and reaching out with compassion. However, it turned to irritation as he was cranky about his family and it really put a damper on the week. What irritated me the most was yesterday, when he was crabby and complaining about his parents (there are a few other things going on too- mostly with his great aunt who has been ill). Shortly after complaining to me, he took a call from his mom and was acting fine.

I don’t understand this. If I’m angry with one of my family, I do not act like everything is fine. I’m at the very least short with them, they are gonna know I’m upset! This resulted in me feeling like a punching bag, which will be reciprocated the next time he complains about them. I will not allow him to drag me down behind the scenes while being nice and normal to everyone else, particularly those who he is complaining about. Is that being an unsupportive spouse?

And now I realize that all I’m doing is complaining about his complaining- so I better stop.

I’m spreading the negativity and attracting more of it! I was going to write about some other irritating things right now, but think I should probably just make a list of everything that is currently making me happy.

• It’s the last day of 2022! It’s been okay, but I’m ready to leave it in the past and move onto bigger and better things
• I have so much good food to eat tonight (I’m way too busy fantasizing about the food to even remember that I won’t be drinking)
• I don’t have to go back to work on Monday
• I got some cool new journals and materials to make witch bells- they can occupy me when I get bored
• It’s mild outside
• All that good food…
• My grocery delivery will be here soon
• I have the knowledge and resources to eat healthier and live a healthy lifestyle after this weekend
• I have a home
• I have family to love, and who loves me
• All the good thing to look forward to in 2023!

That helped a little, but still feels kind of fake, lol. I think it’s PMS and hormones- and probably not working out for months is affecting me too.

I’m going back to bed. Wake me when it’s 2023.

The Holiday Recovery Game

This is a game I’m losing, hardcore. I have way too many cookies leftover and my sweet tooth is dominating my dreams of eating healthy again.

I ate more desserts than real food (well, if you call the standard American diet, real food..) these past few days. I feel really gross about now. Yesterday, the day after Christmas, I made a Liver Rescue Smoothie for the first time. It was really good and felt good to be ingesting real, living, high vibrational food.

I’m so lucky that I’m a recovering alcoholic. Instead of beating myself up over all the indulging, I can be proud for not drinking- yay me!

All in all, the holidays were just a mild nuisance this year. The more I think about it, the more I kind of wish we didn’t celebrate Christmas. I can see now, how the perfect storm brewing from expectations, family drama, family stress, back-to-back family parties, stress about gifts, etc etc … can make one feel like they’ve been through a natural disaster.

I was very happy to work until 12/23, which is very late for us. While others were complaining, I played devil’s advocate and said how happy I was to get that dang holiday over with and still have most of my break left. Most of the time, Christmas lands in the middle, then our vacation is half over already.

I was even happier to have a snow day on Friday, 12/23!! It was such a great gift. We had been watching the storm for about a week, wondering if we’d get our wish, and we did!

That night, something crazy happened.

I woke up to sirens, but didn’t think much of it, except my dog was acting a little ancy. Even after the sirens had stopped, he kept whining and I thought he probably just had to go outside, or heard an animal outside or something. I was half asleep for I don’t know how long, and I thought I kept hearing voices in the distance.

I finally got up and opened my shades to see reflections of emergency flashers on our lawn. The view of the street was obstructed by a big bush, so I couldn’t tell what it was.

I got up to check it out. As soon as I walked into the living room, I could see a firetruck through the front door, parked right in front of my house. I walked across the room to our big window and opened the curtains. What I saw outside was a big shock. All up and down the street were emergency vehicles. There were about six fire trucks, two ambulances, and a couple other vehicles with lights.

Is it our house that’s on fire? I absentmindedly thought in my sleepy stupor. Of course not, I countered, they would have probably let us know if that were the case. But I couldn’t see anything on fire and all the emergency vehicles were centered in front of our house, which is why I thought maybe it was our house.

I woke up hubby, who was as shocked as me, and we watched for hours while groups of firemen kept coming in and out of our neighbor, Rick’s house. Rick is the nicest guy, who walks his dog up and down our street multiple times a day and talks to every neighbor he passes by. We were very worried about him with the amount of emergency workers and two ambulances that weren’t going anywhere, and were certainly in no rush. In fact, one of them backed into our ditch and got stuck- a tow truck had to come and get it out. It was all such a crazy night!

I initially got up at 2:30am and finally laid back down around 5 to get some sleep. Hubby said they packed up not too long after, and then he saw Rick get into his car and leave, so we know he’s okay, but still haven’t seen him or found out what happened. It was all weird- the firemen were going in with axes, and towards the end went in with a chainsaw running. There are no signs of fire that we can see from the street.

The following day was Christmas eve, and I knew I’d have to work hard to stay grounded and sane for the next 48 hours or so.

We went to my dad’s on Christmas eve, and now that he has a wife now, it’s a lot nicer. The house was clean and decorated and set up so cute and her food was amazing. My dad did an awesome job as a single parent, but I really missed having a mother figure around and really like Ronda. She is so down to earth, and seems full of joy and gratitude, despite a lot of hardships she’s gone through (like growing up in the foster system, meeting her many siblings and having a relationship with them only as an adult, and losing an adult son to addiction).

I survived the night unscathed!

The following day, Christmas, I was starting to feel ancy. I hadn’t done my morning ritual (reading a page from my soul program, the Lotus and the Lily, meditation and journaling) in two days. It was evident how important that little ritual is for my mental health. I’m used to getting up way before anyone else and having the quiet, dark house all to myself.

Christmas morning started busy, and I didn’t have time to do my ritual after the kids opened their gifts. We got ready and I told my family to go ahead and go to the inlaws. I needed to meditate before going over there, or else I was gonna lose my shit. They live behind us, so it would just be a quick walk over. I couldn’t feel the effects of my meditation session, but am sure it helped me stay happy all night.

All was well in the land of the in-laws. I breezed through situations that would have left me in tears before recovery. They weren’t bad situations, just perceived as bad due to my poor mental state, lack of self-awareness, coping skills and emotional health. I left feeling drained, exhausted, relieved and proud..

That was two days ago, and I’m finally almost recovered from it all. I’m back to getting up before anyone else and taking care of my head. Hubby is off this week with me, and we’ve spent the past couple of days putzing around town looking for good deals and eating at real dives.

I’m feeling overall optimistic and it feels wonderful. I’m excited for New Years and believe that 2023 is going to be an amazing year.

#day1371

I Only Stuff My Face at Night

I probably mentioned this 100 times, but I’m doing the Lotus and the Lily soul program for the third time. One of the last days, has you think of a movie title that describes your life. My immediate thought was like, River Lo; Goes with the Flow. After much thinking, I knew that I’m not there yet, my resistance is strong at times.

So, thinking about the past year.. the movie title I came up with, is: Gimme, Gimme.

It was about a year ago, I took Reiki I and II classes and vowed to heal myself. Lisa, my teacher, talked about purging old emotions, including not only my own trauma, but my ancestors trauma as well.

But, that’s not what I really did.

I continuously looked outside for the answer. Physical therapy, grounding, vibrating plate, rebounder, massager, sauna… if it promised to purge toxins and/or cure pain, then I was fully vested.

And I still catch myself doing it.

And while I did do a good job of staying on the AIP diet, I never gave up cacao- which I was supposed to (according to most AIP diets. Some allow it- which is why I was okay keeping it-plus I knew it would help me be successful with this diet). I reintroduced eggs, but probably not properly, but kept eating them anyway. Having eggs made the diet a bit easier too.

I think you know the rest of the story. August was too busy- I went back to eating the standard American diet and stopped cleansing with juices and smoothies. And now it’s December, and I’m still here.

Some days I eat great, until nighttime. Some days I hardly eat at all, until nighttime. And some days I eat junk all day long. Those days are rare, thank goodness!

The confusing part is that I feel SO much better than I did in the summertime. I’m still sore and some days its hard to get up and down. Most days I feel almost normal with motrin. For weeks now, I usually only take motrin or tylenol in the morning. It’s hard to believe that I was taking both 3-4 times daily very regularly over the spring and summer. My weight is back to normal (I gained 20 pounds when my leg edema was at its worst), and I feel like I can start working out again.

And I have crazy thoughts of doing that diet again! I know I need to work on it, but am pretty scared now of picking up bad symptoms- like edema. I keep thinking that I’ll just cut out dairy and gluten and start with those. That would be fairly doable and when I brought it up to my hubby, he mentioned that he would do it with me and that he wants to eat better too. Starting it is a whole nother thing.

I hate that this is so cliche, but I just have January in my head as a starting. With holiday festivities coming up, it seems pointless to try to crack down. I’m going to do the best that I can. I want to start training for that half marathon in April. I’ll start working out again over break- and will start slow and gradually increase. I can’t wait until I can run again!

Plus, life has been insane with work lately. I started the new schedule with my new classes this week. The kids are doing great, and seem to be happy and comfortable. The adults, could take a lesson from the children.

That was mean. “Kindness made me kind.” is the affirmation I use when my mean comes out.

It’s been an adjustment for everyone. And really, for the most part, everyone has been great. There are little hiccups here and there, but they are getting smoother everyday. I even got observed this week- I think even twice!

I couldn’t tell you exactly what I was doing the first time, except teaching writing to the self-contained class across the hall. These students have significant disabilities, but I’ve been teaching them writing all year, so we’re into a routine and I’m sure the observation went fine. The second time was yesterday, Friday. It was very busy when she came. I had 5 students in my room and 3 parapros. They oversaw the students working while I pulled two students aside to give them quick assessments. I think it went well, except that my newest student continued to grab at my mask every time I got near him. It was so annoying, lol, but in his defense, it’s the first time I wore a mask with him there. She knew what would be going on, and I think was impressed.

I never felt as nervous as looking at her in her apprehensive eyes and assuring her that I’m okay with this class change and think that it truly is the best thing to do (she is new to our district too, and this is quite different than what we did pre-pandemic times). I’m glad she saw it so busy and running well.

Besides all the kinks, I’m really liking this new schedule and groups. I enjoy teaching and had time to do read-alouds this week and create corresponding activities that practiced different skills. It felt so much less rushed and so much more productive than before. I feel like a real teacher and even will have papers to bring home and grade sometimes 😊

I’m really connecting with the students and learning what gets me excited now- like when I’ve been trying to teach a 2nd grader all year long to differentiate between adding and subtracting and he not only does it independently now, but I’ve caught him catching a mistake with a tool I printed for him and it gives me that joyous feeling!

One of my favorites is my youngest, M. She was my most difficult student in the beginning and I was pretty terrified of her. She was awful. She didn’t want to come with me half the time, and whined and argued with everything. She has speech apraxia and you can’t understand her words which made it even harder.

Let’s go back to the very first day of my new job. I woke up to an owl hooting. I took it as a good sign that I was where I was supposed to be and thought it was a good omen.

At some point, M discovered a stuffed owl I’ve had in my classroom since last year. I let her play with it and we made a game out of her hiding him for the next student and finding him when she comes in. The owl was our turning point.

A month later, M was routinely knocking on my door on her way to the bus- just to give me a hug. Her parapro would apologize for interrupting, but M was persistent. And no one could have known that I needed that hug more than her.

I kind of laugh when I look back at the beginning. I seemed so incompetent and didn’t know anything- but it’s amazing how quickly we can learn and grow. Some things are still hard, but I love it at my new school. And I LOVE my five minute drive! I dream of the days that I ride my bike to and from work. It never happened this fall because of leg edema, but if I keep improving, I can ride when winters over.

That’s about it. All is well. But I still stuff my face at night ❤

Trigger Test

#1351 no alcohol

Life is moving fast right now. There’s never enough time. I miss the days of covid, or summertime, when I had hours to spend in the kitchen making food, juices and smoothies, almost daily. Plus the daily walks. Part of me likes the frenzied pace though- as long as I can make time for non-negotables, like working out, soul work/meditation, those types of things.

I walked today for the first time in a few weeks. I’ve been on a workout hiatus for about that long. My body needed a break. I’m gonna take it slow and if all goes well start training for that half in April (Carpe Diem at Proud Lake) shortly after the new year.

Work is insane. It’ll smooth over in the next couple of weeks, and it doesn’t help that I have a huge meeting on Monday with a difficult parent. And I have to facilitate 😲 It’s virtual, which is probably better than in-person, but seriously, I hate virtual meetings with parents.

The new classroom is going well so far (knocks on wood). I’m getting another student tomorrow and probably one more after next week. It’s more work than I anticipated, but once I get into a groove and don’t’ have a big meeting looming over to prepare for, it should feel easier. And I should clarify that I already know these kids, and already teach them it’s just going to be for a lot longer now.

The boozy cravings I had before Thanksgiving, oddly went away not long after the holiday. I bet it was underlying anxiety/stress related to the holiday. Even though I didn’t feel stressed, and planned a low key day, those little triggers are so freakin’ tricky! Thanksgiving turned out to be a nice day and I had a good time at his parents.

I have to remember this for Christmas though. I haven’t thought about drinking in a week or longer now, but I wonder if I’ll get triggered as the holiday approaches. I’ll be ready and waiting though. It should be a pretty low key holiday, at least.

Glad I didn’t cave- that would have made for a really sad holiday season, I think. I have been so busy, haven’t had a chance to think about drinking, but you never know when those tricky triggers are gonna show up. Holidays are prime time 😑

Stay safe and sober this holiday season! Reach out if you or a loved one are struggling ❤

No More Day 1’s

It feels like a glorious day. The sun is shining brightly and I’m curled up on the couch with a blanket and in my slippers. Today is the first of five days off for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Thanksgiving used to stress me out completely. Not because I had to cook or host, but because my mind and thoughts were so unhealthy. No matter what I was doing, there would be an underlying feeling of stress and anxiety. If thoughts of going to his parents’ house popped up, I’d shove them out of my mind faster than a jumbo jet.

I wouldn’t think about it until it was time to go. I’d wait until the very last minute to get ready, and would wait for hubby to put together the two small pans of green bean casserole we always bring. I could have done it, but never had the energy year after year.

I’d think about skipping it, like 100 times. I’d end up going out of guilt.

I felt guilty for so many things- even being obedient and going to Thanksgiving.

One year, I felt sort of bad, because I declared to someone that I absolutely “HATE” Thanksgiving, and that it’s a waste of a holiday. I know my father-in-law heard me, which made me feel bad because they put SO much into their Thanksgiving dinner. In all fairness, I was a vegetarian for awhile and have always hated the idea of eating animals. A holiday centered around a dead bird on our table was not my cup of tea. And I hated the times I got stuck helping with the clean up. UGH!

During the years we’ve lived at Glenda, I’ve been able to escape home early. We live behind his parents, so I would at least come home on Thanksgiving and Christmas to feed the pets dinner. I’d relish the empty house and stay until I knew I should go back. Many times, hubby and kids like to stay late. The family plays games and eats pie late into the night. I’d usually always head back early to find solace in the quiet house.

One year I skipped dinner at his parents completely. I just stayed home and fed my soul the entire day. I went for a long walk with the dog and did all the things I love. It was one of my favorite Thanksgivings.

And nobody was mad about it, because one thing I can say about his family is that they always grant me space and grace.

I think they go easy on me because my mom died and I hate the holidays.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I don’t miss the dread I normally feel. I don’t have a big (just a little) desire to skip the whole thing, but think I’ll definitely at least plan to head home before midnight (it’ll still be a long day there). I’m excited to see and talk to certain people and thinking about bringing some “dream pillow” materials to make dream pillows with Jessica and whoever else wants to.

My sister in law had to stop by quickly yesterday. I was washing my bedding and had my dream pillow (a small sachet filled with herbs/etc you put in your pillowcase to help you sleep) on the table. Sweet Jessica (niece) asked if it was a bag of seeds on her way out. I didn’t have time to explain to her what it was, but thought it might be fun to make them on Thanksgiving.

So now, not only was I feeling excitement for tomorrow, but I was going to help make it even better. I’m not sure who I’ve become, but I don’t ever want the old me to come back!

And that’s why I can’t drink. All my boys are going to a movie tonight and I’ll be home for several hours. I have vodka in my cupboard and strongly debated drinking tonight earlier today. Why? Because of boredom, and thinking that this is the biggest party night of the year.

I really really want to have four years alcohol free in March. I thought that I could drink tonight, just tonight, and then celebrate my four year on March 29th instead of March 28th, to account for one day of drinking.

I could and would totally do that, if that was a guarantee.

Truth is, it’s terrifying.

I don’t want in the cycle. I don’t want in the cycle.

I think it would take an incredible amount of willpower to stay abstinent like I have after getting a taste of that sweet poison.

I have to remember who I was when I was a drinker. I was a sad soul, with a sad life. A life that looked full on the outside, but riddled with loneliness and despair and the thought that no one knew, and that I had to hide it, and that no one could help me- thinking I was unhelpable.

Holidays stressed me out, family parties stressed me out, any time it was later than 8:00 and I wasn’t home with my bottle, stressed me out.

I will not go back. I do not have another recovery inside. I cannot go back to Day 1.

#Day1337

Unfun

The Law of Attraction says you can attract anything, but living a joyful and fun existence is a big part of it. Happily go with the flow and your attraction skills can be as strong as a magnet.

You mean all you have to do is have fun? How hard can that be?

Well, apparently, if you’re a naturally born stick-in-the-mud like me, it can be rather difficult.

I’ve been doing the soul program, Gabby Bernstein’s “May Cause Miracles.” It’s been a great experience and I’m so close to finishing- with just one small exercise left. An exercise that’s had me stumped since last Friday. I don’t know how to have fun!

I faced my body issues, resentments, fear, and money issues- no problem. But it’s this one last page I’ve been unable to write in my accompanying journal.

How can I have more fun on my own and in everyday life?

How can I enjoy workouts and eating healthy food?

How can I bring more fun into my relationships?

How can I bring more fun into work? My place of making abundance.

How can I bring more fun to the world?

And why am I unable to answer any of these questions???

Play more practical jokes at work and/or home is all that I’ve been able to come up with. Maybe, be more spontaneous? Usually if something is sprung on me suddenly, I say that I can’t do it. This is something that usually comes from hubby. But, if a sister calls me and asks if I want to meet her at the mall in 20 minutes, my answer is almost always no to her also– or anyone else for that matter. Not always because I’m busy, but because of a reason I can’t think of. Maybe it’s just resistance, or laziness, or maybe I need mentally prepare when attempting to be social.

I’m not so good at just “going with the flow.” Maybe that’s why I don’t know how to have fun. What is even fun to me?

Time for a list:

Things that I truly enjoy doing:

Walking in the woods

Being around water on a hot sunny day

Creating things (painting, painted rock, witchy stuff, etc)

Writing when I’m in the groove

Morning routine of reading/meditating/writing

Working out/moving (unless I’m painful or feeling exhausted)

Dancing/singing alone

Having a lazy Friday or Saturday night with snacks, my bed and a good show to binge

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I think this is a good start! These will help me. I was really stumped on the work question, but think that building routines into my (and my students’) day will help make work more fun.

Speaking of work, things are getting crazy.

We have many students who have very high needs this year & my administration is changing my room from a resource to a partially self-contained room. It means that I have longer blocks and overall see less kids but see them for longer.

Most of me is really happy about this. The very opposite thing happened to me after I started teaching 16 years ago. At two different schools, my self-contained room turned into a resource room. The students I had needed less support and did okay after transferring to general ed for most of their day. But these students are struggling big time, and hopefully this will help them gain new skills faster and more efficiently.

Another part of me is nervous. I do like teaching, especially when I can do it consistently, but these students can be challenging. I’m really going to have to think outside the box, like all day, everyday 😨

And I can’t forget to find a way to bring fun into it….

Happy Saturday

Day #1326

My cousin is getting married today at a Brewery up in Frankenmuth. There will be an open bar and plenty of avid drinkers. I can honestly say that I’m super excited to go to this wedding sober. I’m grateful that I don’t feel tempted or cheated that can’t drink, I mean don’t have to drink. I also can say that I’m SUPER excited for the food, LOL. There will be lots of great food, plus a snack bar that opens towards the end- it’s going to be so fulfilling 😁

I bought a dressy gown off Amazon and am excited to get all dressed up for a night out with hubby. No kids allowed, so it’ll just be the two of us.

Life right now is pretty fabulous!

This is great because I’ve been down since summertime. I even reached out to my therapist, who I haven’t talked to since January 2020. I told her I had been through health stuff and a new job and just couldn’t crawl out of the funk I was in. My appointment with her is tomorrow, but by now I’ve seemed to somehow get out of that depression- but figure it’ll be good to talk to her anyways.

I don’t know what all we’ll talk about- but I’ve been thinking about the last time I talked to her. I was so so stressed about a family party. She helped me put it into perspective- and I survived 😜

I’ve come a long way since then. Family parties no longer stress me out- I think she is going to be pleased with the growth I’ve made these past couple of years.

I’m still pretty light on the NSAIDS. I’ve been taking Motrin in the morning, otherwise I have general aches everywhere (hands/feet especially) and it’s hard to open things, etc. BUT, most or all the days since I last wrote two weeks ago and that’s been the only dose I’ve needed. SO much better than Motrin and Tylenol 4 times a day.

I’ve bumped up my Wellbutrin to twice a day. I thought it would help- and I think it has. Maybe this is why I’m feeling better. I hope to go back down to once a day, but with winter and the holidays coming, I’ll probably wait until spring or summer.

I’ve also started exercising more. I’ve been on the bike a few times this week and have gone for a couple walks. I’m not exactly running yet, but moving everyday is something I’ve missed and was probably contributing to my depression. Cardio is my therapy!

I’m on Day 37 out of 42 of the May Cause Miracles soul program. It’s been a great routine for me! I usually do it first thing, and in doing so I think my body has adapted and most days I wake up long before my alarm goes off. I’ve been familiar with most of the concepts- so much of it was review- but it’s always good to review and practice this stuff. Especially in today’s cranky ass world. Doing this program also probably helped my depression lift. I’m going to miss the morning routine of it, and will have to figure out a new routine.

That’s all I’ve got 😍😍

Happy Saturday everyone! ❤