Day 1077

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS

Q- Newbie here. How do you “let it all go”!?
I’ve had some deeply hurtful and frustrating events w supposed friends and family happen in the last few yrs. I thought I let it go but it comes back as more hurt, frustration and resentment. I can’t confront the people for the hurt they continue to cause. For the sake of my peace and that of my loving wonderful husband and kids how do I let this crap go and keep it gone!
Is there a ritual or spell that may help me let it go for good?
I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t feel desperate and I don’t want to be lashing out at others in hurt.
Thank you!!

A- Not sure about a spell, but if you can learn to realize that EVERYTHING people do, are 1000% about themselves- have nothing to do with you- even when it seems like it has EVERYTHING to do with you, then you’ll be free from the stress it causes. Dealing with certain people SUCKS, but it is easier when you can separate yourself and not take things personally. Also, try to remember that the most difficult people in your life are here to teach you some important life lessons. That mentality also helps when dealing with the insane 💙

Unblocked and Writing Again

Day #1067

Last week I found my writing pen! I’ve been blocked for several months and haven’t had any good writing sessions since school started. I’ve tried to write, but it hasn’t felt right and no matter what I did book #3 has been plagued with plot holes and changes. This has been much different than books 1 & 2 where my ideas flowed freely.

I started writing my story, Nova, in 2015, but it was a slow go and I can count the number of times I actually sat down and wrote on one hand. I had a short story published in spring of 2020 (in a book of short stories) and that gave me the motivation and drive I needed to get back to my story. And I did.

The summer of 2020 was empty, sad and magical. I remember one scorching day in July. I was out feeling the water in our pool. The kids were all inside on video games, where they’d been the entire summer, it seemed. Normally, our summer would be filled with scout trips, camping and other activities- but everything was cancelled and we were home for months. I felt so, incredibly sad out there alone on that hot day. I listened to the neighborhood and noted the empty silence. Normally, in July, our street was filled with the sounds of kids– or summer. I think I finally heard a lawn mower in the distance, and that helped me feel more normal, but I’ll never forget that moment and the emptiness that accompanied it.

The entire summer was spent home, and I wrote my story nearly every single day, sometimes up to 8-10 hours. My intuition helped me greatly and continues to help me create this enormous project. I learned to majorly trust my gut, which says this will not be one novel– but a trilogy.

At first it was overwhelming, three novels? I’ve never even written one. But I knew the story, like the back of my hand, and how I wanted to tell it. The first book takes place chronologically after the second one. I don’t know why it has to be told like this, I just know it does, and everytime doubt crosses my mind, I choose to trust.

I finished the bare bones of books 1 and 2 in summer of 2020. It was pure magic. Hours would fly by while I wrote and many times the things that the main characters were going through, would happen to me in real life. It was odd, but kind of awesome. Although, as I write book 3 and writing the biggest climax of the book, I’m worried that some of it will happen. Maybe that’s why I’m blocked- who knows.

Back to my writing pen, which I picked up sometime last week. My third book, Supernova, is finally flowing again! I had two different plots written out and couldn’t decide. A third story line came out of nowhere and I think I’ll be able to use it and have decided which plot to connect it to. I liked both of them, and couldn’t choose, but it looks like only one will work with this new story line, so hopefully I can keep moving this forward.

I used to be determined to get this trilogy published, no matter what, because (as I would always say), I didn’t want my music to die inside me (a Wayne Dyer quote). I feel differently two years later. I’d love to finish this project, but there’s no deadline. Maybe I’ll spend the rest of my life working on the bare bones of this story, but who cares? It makes me happy to write it, so I’m just gonna keep writing and hoping that I can continue to access the amazing ideas that my soul comes up with ❤

February is my Comfort Food

Despite a boat load of snow and a blast of arctic air, today is a pretty great day. First of all, it’s Friday and it’s a snow day for all of us (except hubby- who is bummed- but that’s the small price to pay for working from home so I don’t feel bad for him- AND he doesn’t have to drive). Secondly, next week is mid-winter break. Now, this sounds way better than it actually is. For me, mid-winter break is having Monday off. For my kids, it’s having Monday and Tuesday off. Some districts around us have all next week off. I wish we did too, but it all evens out in the end. I’m happily gobbling up my four day weekend!

While February has been a source of comfort these past few years, I’m thinking about my mid-winter break a few years ago. I was in the drinking cycle, and it was a Monday or Tuesday. The kids and I were off, hubby was at work (before Covid he had to drive in). I was cleaning up and feeling bored, so I decided to finish the box of wine I had in the garage. There was only enough for a glass or two, so I thought I would just have that then stop. But I didn’t. There were more like 3 or 4 glasses left, and after it was all gone, I wanted more. I drove to CVS buzzed and bought more. I wondered if the cashier could tell I was lit and felt weird and/or bad buying it. I’m kind of surprised I remember that part.

I came home and you can guess the rest. It was probably like 2:00 or 3:00, and I was passed out in my bed by 6pm. I don’t think I had dinner or anything, but woke back up around 9:00 and felt bummed that I missed/wasted the day. I also felt bad for being passed out drunk when hubby got home, but played it off like it was no big deal. It was a huge deal, for me anyways.

I still think of that day whenever I think of “day drinking.” Fortunately, it’s a horrible memory for me and just those words bring me right back to the loneliness and misery of being in active addiction.

So why is February like comfort food? The very first time I quit drinking was on February 11th. The second time I quit was also in February (I think). The third time was in March, but it’s the same time of year so this late winter/early spring is clumped together in a positive spin.

The wet, frigid air is my hope and newfound happiness. Sort of weird, I know.

The wet, slushy streets remind me of walking off those intense cravings in early sobriety. It was cold, but I felt so alive, such a different feeling than the usual.. numbness.

I remember how it felt good, to feel good.

The rare but mild and sunny days remind me of the treasure that’s waiting in the wings- the lazy and glorious days of summer. The thought of summer without alcohol is as golden as a surprise Friday snow day. This is so strange but real.

To me, February is shedding my skin and making space for the new and wonderful.

Ten Things I Wish Every Active Alcoholic Could Trust & Understand

But First The Wizard of Oz Analogy

There was a long period where I knew I had a problem, but I couldn’t stop drinking. I would try to just have one or two, or drink every other day, but none of that worked. The tipping point came when I found the world of recovery on social media. Suddenly I was looking at happy ex-drinkers all over the world, seemingly living it up– and gloating the whole time about how great being alcohol free was. I didn’t get it, and couldn’t relate to them in a sober way. They had something I desperately wanted, but had no idea how to obtain it.

It was like I was living in black and white Kansas, and they were all in the colorful land of Oz. How can I not drink though? I would question myself. It was impossible and I just assumed that I was a different breed– and simply didn’t have it in me. Luckily, my curiosity kept me in the recovery groups for several months and as I started to acquire my “sober toolbox” tools, eventually I was able to make it past day 3, something that I hadn’t done in years.

It took a certain amount of trust to get past that day, and my alcoholic voice was screaming at me by then. Now I know it was in desperation. Alcohol was my narcissistic partner and would stop at nothing to get me to take him back.

It didn’t take me long to figure out the absolute truth. Alcohol Lies.

1. Waking up on the weekend without a heavy head & body aches feels absolutely amazing. It’s hard to take the plunge. I get it. I put off drinking for years because I didn’t think not drinking on weekends, or summer vacation, was doable. I knew that I would never be that sober person. I didn’t have it in me. What I actually found out, just a few weeks after quitting, is that sober weekends are actually my favorite thing about not drinking, along with an alcohol free summer. Alcohol lies.

2. Over time, alcohol decreases the “happy” hormone in your brain. This means that it takes more effort to feel happy, while alcohol gives you that feeling immediately It becomes an endless cycle of trying to find happy. Alcohol lies.

3. If #2 is stressing you out, fear no more. With time, the absence of alcohol will allow the brain’s chemistry to return to normal. Then you can enjoy genuine belly laughs. The belly (genuine, as opposed to drunken giggles) laughs are another great part of being fully present. Alcohol lies.

4. Vacations + alcohol are not synonymous. Yeah, I was shocked too. And as it turns out, being present and feeling alive makes for an awesome vacation. The kiddos are way less irritating also. Everything is less irritating! Alcohol lies.

5. The enormously wealthy, asshole, billionaire corporations want you to drink. They also want you to think that you NEED it. Normalizing drinking in our culture is the name of the game, and it’s all about filling up their already overflowing pockets. Alcohol lies.

6. A drink a day is not good for you like previously claimed. Alcohol is a carcinogen and no amount is good for you. Are you wondering WHY you’ve been lied to your whole life? See number 5. Alcohol lies.

7. Alcohol increases anxiety & depression symptoms. This is a double edge sword as you continue to drink and will leave you believing you need it to get through your misery. Alcohol lies.

8. Alcoholism is on a continuum. Drinking regularly can and eventually WILL move you closer to the edge. Alcohol lies.

9. It’s common to grow up with the belief that any amount of abstinence from alcohol, unless you’re pregnant, isn’t really normal , fun, or okay. Mommy wine culture engrains in us the belief that we need and deserve spirits after a tough day of parenting. (Again, see #5). For me, abstaining from nightly drinking has amplified my fun & productivity & I often feel like a kid again- as opposed to an incredibly cranky and Jonesing adult who is just trying to get through the day until I can get to a drink. If I had paid enough attention during my two pregnancies, instead of crying over 10 months of no vodka, maybe I would have realized the hard truth. Alcohol lies.

10. You can evict the alcoholic voice from your mind. By not drinking at all, I rarely think about drinking. If I invite alcohol into my life, whether it’s once every few weeks, or every day, I will be thinking about it during every waking hour. All. The. Time. Even while I’m drinking, I’ll be thinking about drinking. This persistent and manipulative alcohol voice gets very quiet as your abstinence period grows. At almost three years alcohol free, I don’t think about drinking very often. When I do it’s usually not in a glorifying way. If I do start to romanticize the drink, I simply think of my life when I was a drinker. That’s enough to set me straight. Life without alcohol has been amazing and I have no intention of letting it jab it’s thorny hooks into my sensitive soul. Alcohol lies.

I wrote this from my heart after seeing alcohol lie to and sabotage the people I love.

Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? Alcohol is your toxic partner and will lie and manipulate you all day long, just like a toxic partner.

Saying goodbye can be tough.. and it can be easy to give into the promises (“you’re so much more easy going when you drink”) and lies (“you deserve it after the day you had today!”). Caving into those claims can throw you back into the cycle wondering what the point is anyways.

The “firsts” also can be tough. The first adult sober birthday, first time being sober for the holidays, vacations, etc. This is oddly similar to mourning the end of a real relationship, but is extremely doable. My first sober birthday happened to be my 40th an fell on a Friday and was St. Patrick’s Day at that. I was a little worried, but it was fine. I had a party and felt very boring the whole time and a little down because something big was missing. When I later asked my best friend if I was a total bore, she told me that it was way better than when I would drink to oblivion. Each sober birthday since then has just gotten better.

Your alcoholic voice will tell you anything to make you think you’re miserable without it. That’s a lie, and life is actually much more enjoyable without all of its baggage (you know, like worrying about driving home, waking up with a pounding headache, doing something absolutely ridiculous & out of character, the list goes on forever).

But, unlike a real life partner, alcohol can’t and won’t ever change.

Alcohol lies.

Joint Control

Day #1046 – Pity Party Post

Hey look ma, No Hands!!

Autoimmune diseases really suck.

I had a flared ankle and foot for over a year, until I asked for physical therapy, actually went and worked through the problem. My ankle muscles plus all the supporting muscles got stronger and after awhile I was no longer walking with a limp.

This was back in 2019. Now my hand/wrist/thumb joints on that same side of my body have been flaring since the start of Covid, back in spring 2020. I finally and recently started physical therapy for that, and I thought it was going well.

This time it’s so much harder. I dread going in, as my therapist cranks on it in every which way. But I usually feel better and my hand/wrist is looser afterwards.

It’s been a few weeks and my grip is still very weak. It measured a “zero” the first day, and now it’s up to five, my therapist was hoping it’d be at 10, but said we’d keep working. For reference, my good hand, my non-dominant hand, measured a 50. My therapist said the dominant hand should be around 60, 10 more than my left hand.

I didn’t ask him if my disease would or could, prevent my healing or progress. I didn’t want his opinion, unless it was completely optimistic and I’m not confident he is.

It can be really hard without the use of a hand. Especially in the kitchen. I feel like I’m constantly needing help opening things, or even cutting things on a bad day.

But… with PT and a hair test I recently signed up for, I was feeling optimistic. I knew that I could get better, just like my ankle problem- right? The hair test will give me some specific information about my gut health and toxins in my body (that could be causing these flares).

A few nights ago, I woke up with excruciating pain in my right hip. It felt like bone on bone, and it was painful to lay in any position- and tossing and turning made the pain even more unbearable. A couple times hubby rolled over and put his arm over me. The weight of his arm pulsed through my hip and I felt like a crazy person crying out in pain and telling him that just his touch was too much.

The next day, luckily, was much better. I had a hard time going up and down stairs for the first half of the day, but then it was painless.

I’ve also felt weird pains in my elbows lately- which is new. They aren’t too bad and have been short lived, but alarming regardless.

My theory is that as physical therapy loosens up the toxins causing this, they are circulating and going elsewhere. This happened a little when I started Pilates classes, but went away after a couple of weeks.

Yesterday, I woke up with my other hand/thumb swollen and painful. It’s just as bad today. I have no idea if this will get as bad as my other hand.

I’ve been using leftie for nearly everything these past couple of years. How will I open a door or pick up my cup if both grips are non-existent? I’m in this weird place of having a disability – but am majorly missing accommodations that would be helpful in certain situations. With one bad hand, I can manage, but two? 😰

It feels like my disease is laughing at me.

“Oh yeah? Catch me in this hand!” A classic cat and mouse chase. I give up. I can’t keep up with its pace.

My RA is a complete bastard!

That’s my rant. I’m very lucky that I will hopefully have a direction soon with the results of the hair test.

I’m holding onto the belief that I don’t really have Rheumatoid Arthritis, but have all the symptoms from a leaky gut and or imbalance instead. I can help myself get rid of this. I’m grateful for my body/systems, and will be even more so when I can use all my parts again.

And if that’s not in my future, at least I can say that I looked at all my options and tried my hardest, but must have more to learn.

I’m going to try to spend some time reading Louis Hay’s book, Heal Your Body, and type up corresponding affirmations to hang around the house.

And continue with my home exercises- this time with both hands.

This is a tough test, but I’ve got it 💪🏻

When You Change the Way You Look at Things

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” –Wayne Dyer

I just love that quote. I’ve lived that quote.

I would say that ten years ago, my mind was probably like 85% jumpy/on edge/on the defense/general negativity and misery, 10% neutral, and about 5% happiness/joy feelings. I would also say that this was my constant state– regardless of external factors.

Now, I’m trying to think about my mind’s current composure. I would say 10% (I started by saying 5%, but think 10% is probably more fair) misery, 25% joy (MAYBE, 20%), and 65% neutral.

I’ve always been a really good “guesstimator” and think that the above percentages are probably pretty spot on– which is actually amazing.

Two recent, insignificant (to me) things happened that made me realize how much my thinking has changed.

I read a local news story about someone who put a cage of guinea pigs next to a dumpster on a freezing 6 degree day. Someone saw and rescued them. There are eleven and many are pregnant. They found a shelter who will take all of them.

As I read, I felt grateful for the human that saw this atrocity and saved those little souls. I also felt joy when I read that the rescue will take all of them. To me, it was a ‘feel good’ story- until I got to the comment section– which of course was full of rage towards the person who left the pigs out to die. It was eye opening because it made me realize how outraged I would have been if I read this a few years ago. I would have probably cried after reading it and questioned God and humanity.

The next realization involves a really sad local story. Back in October, an 18 year old college student disappeared while at another college visiting friends. Our whole state, probably the entire country, has been on the lookout for the young man.

An untamed river runs through the campus and it’s been long thought that he, like others before him, accidently fell into the unforgiving river. Over the past several months there’s been many searches and efforts to find him, including a petition to dam the river to make it easier to search.

Last week they finally found him, another victim of the Red Cedar.

There was a Facebook page dedicated to finding him. Now the page has become a tribute to his legacy and will be used to help find other missing persons.

I’ve seen so many inspirational posts since they found him. From petitions to put more barriers in unsafe areas to making campuses safer by making sure street lights and security cameras are operable. Sadly, this wasn’t the case in this situation– which left many missing pieces to the puzzle as they searched for the young man.

And remember that school shooting back in November? There is a Go-Fund-Me campaign trying to raise money for support dogs in the Oxford schools as students are phased back into the building. The family of the missing man, the one who they just found deceased, just donated $10,000 to this cause in his honor– because he loved dogs. Now the school has more than they asked for so now they will be able to bring in all the dogs they need.

The man who passed was born on the due date of my first baby, April 1, 2003. My heart aches as I look through the pictures on his tribute page and resonate with nearly every single one. Young parents smiling with a brand new baby, young parents on Mackinac Island with their toddler, pumpkin carving, birthday parties, school trips and then finally– middle-aged parents celebrating the graduation of their first-born and excitedly sending him off to college, never to return home. Once upon a time, I wouldn’t have been able to look past the sadness, the tragedy of it all– especially since it was so relatable to me.

Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change. Truth.

Real life examples are powerful and I felt this was worth sharing.

I also want to share something else that I’m really excited about. You know I’ve been on a mission recently to aid my body in getting rid of the autoimmune diseases I was diagnosed with in 2014– rheumatoid and psoriatic arthritis.

Way back then, I found a group that aids in helping you heal your autoimmune conditions naturally. You see, there’s a huge downside when working with doctors in America. I knew this back in 2014 when I asked my rheumatologist if changing my diet would help at all.

“Some of my patients have had success cutting out sugar.” Was her response.

By then, I had started learning about food sensitivities, gut health and the connection to autoimmune conditions. I didn’t understand why this specialist didn’t know about this connection and jumped right to medication. Medication that, mind you, I would have to take for the rest of my life for my chronic illness.

I wished she knew about gut health and remission, and food sensitivities and physical therapy.

I’ve had a complicated relationship with my rheumy. She’s good for some things, but not for others. When I had a bad foot- she sent me for an MRI and to see a podiatrist. I had the MRI and while the foot specialist studied it, he didn’t even look at my actual foot. He sent me home with an immobilizing boot– which would eventually cause my ankle to be weak and put in right into a flare. I stopped using the boot, but the pain and swelling just lingered.

I put up the bad foot and ankle for about a year until I had an idea. Seeing what the physical therapist at my school does, I thought maybe physical therapy would be good for my ankle/foot problems.

I had a visit with my rheumy coming up and she gave me a prescription for physical therapy without hesitating.

The physical therapist blew me away. What the doctors don’t seem to understand is that the systems, cells and tissues are all connected. One bad part, affects more and more parts and it can be like a chain reaction. Years of walking on a bad ankle affected muscles throughout my entire body. The PT helped me make all these muscles stronger and helped heal my foot. Additionally, she told me that after it was better, she could help me come up with a routine that helps keep all my joints fluid and in-order.

So why the hell don’t the doctors recommend this for everyone who has rheumatoid arthritis?? And why did I have to ask? Thank goodness I work at a school and even knew to ask!

I’ve also been dealing with a hand/wrist flare since the birth of Covid (not kidding and at first I thought I caught Covid and it was manifesting symptoms in my hand/wrist- I still wonder sometimes). It’s been on and off, but even on the best of days my wrist is super weak, and again, not using it was beginning to affect other muscles in my body.

At my last rhuemy visit I asked for physical therapy for my wrist/hand. Again, she gave it to me without hesitation. I put it off due to life stress, but recently started going. In just two weeks, I’ve gotten so much relief in my hand and wrist! When I started a couple weeks ago, my fingers were stiff and wanted to stay in the closed position- the start of classic RA hands. I hate to think of how they worse they would have been if I hadn’t started PT.

The physical therapy is blowing me away. And again, why do I have to ask for this- and what about the people who just don’t know??? All my rheumy offered me is a steroid injection into my hand– and swore it would help tremendously.

I saw an old man rheumy while I waited the three months to see her, this was back in 2014. HE gave me a steriod injection in my hand to help cure my “sausage finger.” Not only did it take forever, and hurt like hell, it didn’t even really help the pain and swelling. The last thing I wanted was that again!

Back in November I tried stopping my weekly injectable poison (to help with RA symptoms) and feel that my hand/wrist got worse, so after a few weeks I started it again. So I’ve had this mental debate since then going on about how the heck am I going to get back my health and get off this. I knew an elimination diet was probably my best bet but I don’t want to do that right now. I’ve been thinking alot about cutting out gluten, dairy and sugar but haven’t made the plunge yet.

Back to that natural group that I found in 2014. The admin, Karen, who I’ve messaged throughout the years and have gotten good advice about diet and natural treatments, is someone who I greatly respect. She is a big advocator for the elimination diet though, so I haven’t reached out recently.

On a whim, I decided to finally do a hair test with her. I’ve seen her talk about this for years and have been so intrigued. I used to think it (health- good choices- etc) would only be helpful if I did the diet and went “all-in” but realized that baby steps might be alright.

First of all, when I told her that I wouldn’t do the diet, her response surprised me. She said it’s very restrictive and they’ve now found that it’s usually just 2-3 big triggers that cause the disease- so it’s okay. That was huge for me to hear 🙂

I won’t have results for a couple of weeks, but am so excited to learn more about my body in a scientific type of way. The tests include info about hormones, adrenals and gut health. She will consult with me and help me get out of this diseased state and hopefully off that damn injection– which isn’t just poison- it stings!

I will be writing about my experience with this and hope you join me on this adventure. In the next couple of weeks while I wait for results, I’m going to keep up the PT and work on my diet. I had a bad month of much overeating and gained ten pounds. I’ve been much more conscientious about my food and have been doing better this week- and feeling better too.

I will be ecstatic if I can have a body without flares and painful and poisonous jabs.

Day #1037

One Day at a Time

Why does it seem like things must completely fall apart- before the rebuild?

It seems like everything is falling apart right now.

School.

Home.

Family.

Life.

I’m ready to make circumstances better, but it’s like walking upstream in an overflowing river.

Some things are little.

Some things are big.

But nothing is right.

Right now.

Tomorrow is new.

It must feel better to me.

Just have to get through today

Day #1031

Today I Cried During Lockdown

It’s been about 5 weeks since a local school shooting claimed the lives of four teenagers.

We had a lockdown drill today. I cried. I tried to hide it when the fifth graders looked into my eyes, but they knew.

Lockdown drills used to really piss me off. They were ridiculous, a waste of time, and I hated explaining to kids why we have to practice them. After all, it was never going to actually happen. And in my defense, some of my students were really bothered by them, which amplified my annoyance.

Today was different. Instead of locking my already closed door and running to the far end of the room, I opened it to check for students loose in the hallway.

This has been an ongoing conversation which has caused some students additional stress.

In Oxford, a boy walked out of the bathroom and started shooting at kids in the hallway. So now our school safety conversations cover more than just an intruder coming in from the outside. Now we have to assume that the shooter could be within our building, our room.

Kids want to know– what if I’m in the bathroom? The answer has always been, “scurry back to class.” Now, it’s different. We tell them to hide. “Stay in the stall, stand on the toilet to hide your feet, etc. Basically, do whatever you need to do to stay out of sight.

This can be a scary prospect for students who already have generalized anxiety.

Our lockdown was supposed to start at 10:00am. I had six students testing in my room. At 10:03 one asked to go to the bathroom. We talked about whether or not it was an emergency, and I could tell he was anxious about being in there during the lockdown.

Luckily, the bathroom is right next to my room, so I promised him that I would leave the door open until he was back, even if the lockdown drill came on.

He was back by the time the drill was announced. When the alarm came on, I opened my door to check for anyone in the bathroom and grabbed a random kid coming out. I took his name, and called his teacher to let her know that he was with me.

The students headed to the back of the room as directed and we all sat on the floor, scattered around. Not really out of sight, I thought to myself.

“Jack, scoot under there, Jimmy, move there, Michael, come over here next to me.”

I looked around and we were all barricaded or hidden out of sight, and then I silently cried.

Why did it take the Oxford tragedy to make me realize how important this is- and to finally do it right?

Kids are watching, all the time. I know this. I also know that the most important lessons aren’t always explicitly taught.

I used to hate it when kids asked about lockdowns, but now I don’t. These are important questions, and crucial conversations to have. And for some reason, after Oxford, I like talking to kids about it. I mean, not about the tragedy, but about the why’s and how’s, and “yeah it’s probably never ever going to happen here, but if it does we will be so well prepared!”

Day #1022, feelings are raw. This year is very heavy 💙

No More Bad News Please

This Holiday Break 😵‍💫🤢🤮

I’m in a group chat that’s been chatting about another tragedy within our community.

Do you know _______? I’m just checking in on you.

No.

Delete.

Delete.

But the group keeps talking. I want out. I don’t know this kid. I don’t want anymore sadness.

Delete.

Delete.

The words keep coming.

So much sadness this season, starting back in October with a 50 year old murder taking over my emotions.

I can’t turn on my phone.

I can’t message back.

Not right now. Not today.

But is that okay?

Keeping Compassion

I’ve felt weird after my last couple posts. Kind of like the world is crumbling around me, and I’m just living in La La land, insensitive to the max.

This couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Just about every day, I think of the boy in Oxford who killed four classmates. And I think about how I’m part of a failing system- and what to do about it. Half the time I want to run away very fast, the other half I feel compelled to fix a broken system. But where to even start?

And my nephew & family has constantly been on my mind. Sometime, before he gets out, I want to either talk to him and write him a letter.

I have a million things I want to say, but no idea where to start.

I think of my family, and how we’ll adjust to accommodate him- or if we won’t adjust anything and then what if things don’t change? There are so many ‘what if’s’ and it’s hard to know my place. I feel full of recovery knowledge – but it’s hard to know what to share – or what to say.

I feel, very strongly, that since I stopped drinking, certain people have a grudge against me. All I’m trying to do is to be a positive example. Generally, I don’t look down on drinking- I just am totally unable to partake. But I also understand, that their opinion has nothing to do with me. Except that I stopped drinking with them.

I don’t know why I felt the need to post this, except that I didn’t want to come off as cold and cruel. I think my compassion is one of my best qualities, and these few posts have felt like an oxymoron to who I really am.

Namaste 💙