No More Day 1’s

It feels like a glorious day. The sun is shining brightly and I’m curled up on the couch with a blanket and in my slippers. Today is the first of five days off for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Thanksgiving used to stress me out completely. Not because I had to cook or host, but because my mind and thoughts were so unhealthy. No matter what I was doing, there would be an underlying feeling of stress and anxiety. If thoughts of going to his parents’ house popped up, I’d shove them out of my mind faster than a jumbo jet.

I wouldn’t think about it until it was time to go. I’d wait until the very last minute to get ready, and would wait for hubby to put together the two small pans of green bean casserole we always bring. I could have done it, but never had the energy year after year.

I’d think about skipping it, like 100 times. I’d end up going out of guilt.

I felt guilty for so many things- even being obedient and going to Thanksgiving.

One year, I felt sort of bad, because I declared to someone that I absolutely “HATE” Thanksgiving, and that it’s a waste of a holiday. I know my father-in-law heard me, which made me feel bad because they put SO much into their Thanksgiving dinner. In all fairness, I was a vegetarian for awhile and have always hated the idea of eating animals. A holiday centered around a dead bird on our table was not my cup of tea. And I hated the times I got stuck helping with the clean up. UGH!

During the years we’ve lived at Glenda, I’ve been able to escape home early. We live behind his parents, so I would at least come home on Thanksgiving and Christmas to feed the pets dinner. I’d relish the empty house and stay until I knew I should go back. Many times, hubby and kids like to stay late. The family plays games and eats pie late into the night. I’d usually always head back early to find solace in the quiet house.

One year I skipped dinner at his parents completely. I just stayed home and fed my soul the entire day. I went for a long walk with the dog and did all the things I love. It was one of my favorite Thanksgivings.

And nobody was mad about it, because one thing I can say about his family is that they always grant me space and grace.

I think they go easy on me because my mom died and I hate the holidays.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I don’t miss the dread I normally feel. I don’t have a big (just a little) desire to skip the whole thing, but think I’ll definitely at least plan to head home before midnight (it’ll still be a long day there). I’m excited to see and talk to certain people and thinking about bringing some “dream pillow” materials to make dream pillows with Jessica and whoever else wants to.

My sister in law had to stop by quickly yesterday. I was washing my bedding and had my dream pillow (a small sachet filled with herbs/etc you put in your pillowcase to help you sleep) on the table. Sweet Jessica (niece) asked if it was a bag of seeds on her way out. I didn’t have time to explain to her what it was, but thought it might be fun to make them on Thanksgiving.

So now, not only was I feeling excitement for tomorrow, but I was going to help make it even better. I’m not sure who I’ve become, but I don’t ever want the old me to come back!

And that’s why I can’t drink. All my boys are going to a movie tonight and I’ll be home for several hours. I have vodka in my cupboard and strongly debated drinking tonight earlier today. Why? Because of boredom, and thinking that this is the biggest party night of the year.

I really really want to have four years alcohol free in March. I thought that I could drink tonight, just tonight, and then celebrate my four year on March 29th instead of March 28th, to account for one day of drinking.

I could and would totally do that, if that was a guarantee.

Truth is, it’s terrifying.

I don’t want in the cycle. I don’t want in the cycle.

I think it would take an incredible amount of willpower to stay abstinent like I have after getting a taste of that sweet poison.

I have to remember who I was when I was a drinker. I was a sad soul, with a sad life. A life that looked full on the outside, but riddled with loneliness and despair and the thought that no one knew, and that I had to hide it, and that no one could help me- thinking I was unhelpable.

Holidays stressed me out, family parties stressed me out, any time it was later than 8:00 and I wasn’t home with my bottle, stressed me out.

I will not go back. I do not have another recovery inside. I cannot go back to Day 1.



The Law of Attraction says you can attract anything, but living a joyful and fun existence is a big part of it. Happily go with the flow and your attraction skills can be as strong as a magnet.

You mean all you have to do is have fun? How hard can that be?

Well, apparently, if you’re a naturally born stick-in-the-mud like me, it can be rather difficult.

I’ve been doing the soul program, Gabby Bernstein’s “May Cause Miracles.” It’s been a great experience and I’m so close to finishing- with just one small exercise left. An exercise that’s had me stumped since last Friday. I don’t know how to have fun!

I faced my body issues, resentments, fear, and money issues- no problem. But it’s this one last page I’ve been unable to write in my accompanying journal.

How can I have more fun on my own and in everyday life?

How can I enjoy workouts and eating healthy food?

How can I bring more fun into my relationships?

How can I bring more fun into work? My place of making abundance.

How can I bring more fun to the world?

And why am I unable to answer any of these questions???

Play more practical jokes at work and/or home is all that I’ve been able to come up with. Maybe, be more spontaneous? Usually if something is sprung on me suddenly, I say that I can’t do it. This is something that usually comes from hubby. But, if a sister calls me and asks if I want to meet her at the mall in 20 minutes, my answer is almost always no to her also– or anyone else for that matter. Not always because I’m busy, but because of a reason I can’t think of. Maybe it’s just resistance, or laziness, or maybe I need mentally prepare when attempting to be social.

I’m not so good at just “going with the flow.” Maybe that’s why I don’t know how to have fun. What is even fun to me?

Time for a list:

Things that I truly enjoy doing:

Walking in the woods

Being around water on a hot sunny day

Creating things (painting, painted rock, witchy stuff, etc)

Writing when I’m in the groove

Morning routine of reading/meditating/writing

Working out/moving (unless I’m painful or feeling exhausted)

Dancing/singing alone

Having a lazy Friday or Saturday night with snacks, my bed and a good show to binge

I think this is a good start! These will help me. I was really stumped on the work question, but think that building routines into my (and my students’) day will help make work more fun.

Speaking of work, things are getting crazy.

We have many students who have very high needs this year & my administration is changing my room from a resource to a partially self-contained room. It means that I have longer blocks and overall see less kids but see them for longer.

Most of me is really happy about this. The very opposite thing happened to me after I started teaching 16 years ago. At two different schools, my self-contained room turned into a resource room. The students I had needed less support and did okay after transferring to general ed for most of their day. But these students are struggling big time, and hopefully this will help them gain new skills faster and more efficiently.

Another part of me is nervous. I do like teaching, especially when I can do it consistently, but these students can be challenging. I’m really going to have to think outside the box, like all day, everyday 😨

And I can’t forget to find a way to bring fun into it….

Happy Saturday

Day #1326

My cousin is getting married today at a Brewery up in Frankenmuth. There will be an open bar and plenty of avid drinkers. I can honestly say that I’m super excited to go to this wedding sober. I’m grateful that I don’t feel tempted or cheated that can’t drink, I mean don’t have to drink. I also can say that I’m SUPER excited for the food, LOL. There will be lots of great food, plus a snack bar that opens towards the end- it’s going to be so fulfilling 😁

I bought a dressy gown off Amazon and am excited to get all dressed up for a night out with hubby. No kids allowed, so it’ll just be the two of us.

Life right now is pretty fabulous!

This is great because I’ve been down since summertime. I even reached out to my therapist, who I haven’t talked to since January 2020. I told her I had been through health stuff and a new job and just couldn’t crawl out of the funk I was in. My appointment with her is tomorrow, but by now I’ve seemed to somehow get out of that depression- but figure it’ll be good to talk to her anyways.

I don’t know what all we’ll talk about- but I’ve been thinking about the last time I talked to her. I was so so stressed about a family party. She helped me put it into perspective- and I survived 😜

I’ve come a long way since then. Family parties no longer stress me out- I think she is going to be pleased with the growth I’ve made these past couple of years.

I’m still pretty light on the NSAIDS. I’ve been taking Motrin in the morning, otherwise I have general aches everywhere (hands/feet especially) and it’s hard to open things, etc. BUT, most or all the days since I last wrote two weeks ago and that’s been the only dose I’ve needed. SO much better than Motrin and Tylenol 4 times a day.

I’ve bumped up my Wellbutrin to twice a day. I thought it would help- and I think it has. Maybe this is why I’m feeling better. I hope to go back down to once a day, but with winter and the holidays coming, I’ll probably wait until spring or summer.

I’ve also started exercising more. I’ve been on the bike a few times this week and have gone for a couple walks. I’m not exactly running yet, but moving everyday is something I’ve missed and was probably contributing to my depression. Cardio is my therapy!

I’m on Day 37 out of 42 of the May Cause Miracles soul program. It’s been a great routine for me! I usually do it first thing, and in doing so I think my body has adapted and most days I wake up long before my alarm goes off. I’ve been familiar with most of the concepts- so much of it was review- but it’s always good to review and practice this stuff. Especially in today’s cranky ass world. Doing this program also probably helped my depression lift. I’m going to miss the morning routine of it, and will have to figure out a new routine.

That’s all I’ve got 😍😍

Happy Saturday everyone! ❀

Every Relationship has a Purpose

It’s #Caturday and both cats are doing better since the last time I wrote.

Zoe seems to be healing up okay (I say this because it still looks pretty gross) and Milo was seen by a specialist.

It was very lucky that we got a consultation appointment. We were going to have to take him in through emergency-just to be able to see a veterinarian- but miraculously, my friend reached out to the clinic in Auburn Hills, where she takes her cat and knows the dr and technician and they happened to have a cancellation the next day- which was the very day that I planned to take off to take him to emergency.

They said he looked pretty good and felt comfortable waiting until 11/16 to do a scan. Then we’ll find out his prognosis. I’m hoping it’s just inflammation or polyps or a fungal infection- and not a growth. Already, the scan is very very expensive- and that doesn’t include whatever treatment he may need.

My health is still pretty good πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰

I’ve taken less NSAIDs this week than I have in a long time- probably like a year. I’ve gotten in a couple walks and eager to start increasing my workouts.I’m thinking of that half marathon in April. I can’t wait and SO hope that I get to train for it and participate.

The name of the half is, Carpe Diem/Carpe Noctem, seize the day/seize the night. You can run it night or day- I chose daytime to run.

Outta my way, I got a carpe to diem today!

I saw the saying above and didn’t want to forget it, because I love the way it sounds and the meaning of it- I want to make a shirt of it, LOL.

I’m on around Day 23 of the May Cause Miracles book. I’m loving doing it before work, and try to set aside 20-30 minutes each morning. I think it makes my days more positive. I get irritated if I oversleep and feel rushed doing it or if I don’t have time to do it at all. I’m glad I’m finally doing it, I started in like 2019 and made it to week 3, but stopped and have been meaning to get back to it ever since. I plug in my grounding (earthing) mat and rest my feet on it while doing this. I’d like to think that this has helped my physical and emotional health improve, but who knows. I have my feet on it right now as I write, you can’t be too grounded, right??

This week’s work is relationships. It’s an excellent focus for me, and I should probably just plan on doing this week twice, lol.

That’s all I’ve got. It’s the weekend, and I’m so grateful that it’s not so busy like the last two. I’m actually going to try to get some lessons planned and do more organized teaching this week. Work has been going good, but one of my favorite students is moving and we just found out this week that yesterday was his last day.

He’s an awesome 2nd grader who has been telling me (and others) that he’s going to be going to a “forest school” since the beginning of the year. He loves rocks and has brought a couple into school. I wondered if he charges things like water and his rocks in the full moon, but didn’t ask him.

Yesterday was sad. I saw his group in the morning and we played a fun math game. I gave him one of my painted rocks (he was so excited 😊) and let him pick out a prize for his half full sticker chart. He came to my room twice in the afternoon to give me a hug and tell me bye again.

I felt down all night and knew that he was the reason why. Our connection was special and even though I only knew him for a short time, I will always have fond memories of the positive experiences I had with him the first few weeks at my new school when everything else seemed crazy and chaotic. He was more like my previous students than anyone else, which felt familiar and comfortable. He’s moving up north and will be closer to extended family, so that’s good, but he will be missed.

Ok, Bye for real this time. ❀

Ailing #Caturday

It’s been one hell of a week.

Milo stopped eating early in the week. My oldest took him back to the vet on Tuesday, who said that he’s lost two pounds these past few weeks and that he needed to go to a specialist for a cat scan (haha) ASAP. She also said that it would take several weeks to get an appointment.

I called around early Wednesday and the soonest he can be seen is November 9th. I knew he wouldn’t live until then. I messaged my cat sitter, who works at the vet I used to work at, to see if she had any ideas. She made arrangements for us to bring Milo to that clinic to see if there’s anything they could do.

By this time he was refusing all food. But acting hungry, which was heartbreaking.

The doctor said that the specialist could take him and would put him on iv fluids and maybe a stomach tube put in. No one can do a cat scan until next week, so he would just be hospitalized, hopefully getting stronger in case he needs surgery. It would be $4,000-6,000.

I was going to take him after getting off work, but none of it felt right. Sunshine went into the hospital and never came home-and so did Chloe. I didn’t want to spend that amount of money with so many unknowns.

I called the clinic back and told them that we would like to take care of him from home while we wait to hopefully get a sooner appointment for a scan to see what’s going on. They prescribed him steroids that would hopefully calm whatever is going on in his nose down, and stimulate his appetite.

That was Thursday and I’m so happy to report that Milo is doing much better and he is eating very well.

Fast forward to Friday evening. I am exhausted. I’ve woken up around the 4am hour for 3 days this week and wasn’t able to get back to sleep. Milo is heavily on my mind, and I’m preparing myself in case he doesn’t pull through. It’s a busy weekend. I have an 8am dentist appointment on Saturday, youngest is having a small birthday get together, so we had to clean and get a cake/snacks, have a few hours of work to do and a retirement party on Sunday.

But, I’m feeling pretty good because it’s the weekend and I actually took Jules for a walk after work, our first in a few weeks because I’ve been so painful.

So, I’m relaxing, with my feet on my earthing pad and talking to Hubby about whether we should order or make dinner.

Zoe walks in and I pet her only to discover a big lump on her back. “Oh, it’s okay!” my boys say. “It’s just a mat of fur, we couldn’t get it out.” (they sometimes brush her mats out). The lump I felt definitely felt ominous.

I felt again, and felt matted fur. I shifted it, and in doing so, my fingers got wet with extremely stinky liquid. I knew immediately that it was an abscess 😒

It must’ve annoyed her, because she was in a sad state afterwards, running as if she were trying to run from the wound.

Since it was 6pm on a Friday, her regular vet couldn’t see her. I took her to the local emergency, which is like a mile away, and called from the parking lot.

“Sorry, we can’t see your cat.” She then explained that they are at capacity with ill pets and currently a 6-8 hour wait to get in.

Never, ever have I felt such desperation. I called the next nearest one, who luckily could see her, with only a 2-3 hour wait.

We were there the full 3 hours. Now she has a shaved back and the wound looks like ground beef it is so disgusting. I’m not getting bothered by it though, I’m used to these abscesses now. The vet said she thinks she will heal up just fine, but it’s been there for awhile. I SO hope it heals, unlike the last time when her fever kept getting higher and finally they just had to open her up and clean out the big old wound from her chest into her armpit. She came home with a drain tube then, but she healed good.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come with my mentality, because I’ve spent probably over 90% of my moments feeling grateful this week, despite the hardships.

When I got to the emergency clinic, it didn’t take long for the technician to put us in a room. I was feeling optimistic, but defeated. When we got settled, the tech says, “Hey weren’t you my old babysitter?” I thought it was probably a mistake because I only really had one (consistent) babysitting job.

I looked up to see a grown up version of a little girl I used to know. We hugged and caught up. She was the oldest child of the family that I used to babysit often. It was sooooooo nice at that moment to see a friendly and familiar face– and I felt grateful.

We had to give Zoe her antibiotic last night, and since we didn’t get home till well after 10, we didn’t give it until after midnight.

It’s 1am on a Saturday night and hubby and I are on the floor trying to coax this cat to let me medicate her. Milo comes walking through, doing his loud breathing/wheezing (it’s not constant).

We looked at each other and just started laughing at our predicament. I was so grateful for him, and his attitude. While I was at the clinic, he brought me dinner and sat with me for the last hour. He mentioned that he was glad we got her in that night, even though it would probably cost twice as much and that it was worth it. I was so grateful for him then too, and grateful that he wasn’t more like my dad was when I was growing up. He did not like my mom to spend money on the pets!

Now it’s Saturday, and things are going remarkably well.

I’ve gotten both Zoe and Milo to take their meds with baby food πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

Milo’s breathing is noticeably more quiet, he seems to be feeling well and is pigging out. Zoe is acting okay too, and I’m just so glad she ate her meds.

AND… guess what!! I’m on day 3 of NO Motrin, Tylenol or any NSAID. I’ve been trying to get off motrin for like a year so this is HUGE.

I started Nettle Leaf a couple weeks back and wondering if that’s making a big difference for me. Either way, I am ecstatic!

I can see a huge difference of the effects of these life stressors. I was pretty spiritually healthy the last time Zoe had an abscess, but gosh, I was so worried and frantic. It’s different now. Am I worried? A little bit- I want her to heal, but I’m certainly not preoccupied with fearful thoughts that she won’t. That’s probably something that I never could have said before.

Maybe I’m becoming comfortable with death, and in doing so can finally live my life feeling free.

Day #1305

Gin Raisins

Something seems to have shifted and I finally feel like I’m on the upswing of this edema (leg swelling) thing. It could be a number of things, like supplements from Dr. Jeff kicking in– or the new grounding mat I’ve been using daily, but it doesn’t matter- and I’d like to not give it any energy at all.

It seems to have started with increased energy last week. Suddenly, I began waking up around 5:00– and feeling awake– a welcomed change from hitting the snooze button until the last possible second.

So for about a week, I’ve been getting up early for a nice little routine. I also started Gabby Bernstein’s “May Cause Miracles” 40 day soul program- so that’s been a big part of my mornings- along with grounding (or earthing) my feet. I’ve been wanting to start this program forever, and am already on Day 6 today (it went fast). It hasn’t been work at all- it’s been enjoyable and I look forward to seeing what benefits I get from doing it (I have to believe they’ve already started!).

Yesterday was the first day in a very long time that I didn’t take any NSAIDs in the morning. I finally took them around 1pm, but was ecstatic to not take them upon waking up. This morning, I had some extra shoulder pain, so I did take some when I woke up- but whatever.

Also, I started up my wellbutrin today. I had been off for about two maybe three months. I think during that time, I felt joy once. I feel that it wasn’t a big deal when I decreased it to once a day. It has been a big deal since stopping completely. I’m tired of having just a “bleak” outlook on life. That’s the only word that comes to mind or is fitting to describe it. BLEAK. If a little blue pill once a day will help me not to feel this way, then I’m all in.

I’m going to see if going back on it once a day makes a difference to this bleak outlook.

Almost lastly, my kitty, Milo is still pretty sick. He’s been on antibiotics for a week after being diagnosed with a head cold/URI. He was seemingly a little better but now hasn’t taken treats or canned food in a couple days. I think he’s still eating some crunchy food and it sounded like he may have been crunching on the dogs food this morning- so I’m trying to remain hopeful that his body is fighting this. I pray that it’s really just a cold or virus and that he gets through it. He is 12 though, and the four months he went missing in winter back in 2014 has always seemed to age him a lot- so he looks more like a 16-18 year old cat. He’s special and cool as hell and I’m not ready for him to leave us. If you’re reading this, please take a moment if you feel inclined to send some positive vibes or prayers.

Lastly.. because this is my old alcohol blog.. you should know that I’ve been thinking a lot about drinking lately. I believe it has to do with that “bleak” outlook I spoke of. I’m feeling like this like 100% of the time (it seems). It’s social media photos that are getting to me– seeing everyone have such a great time and living it up- more often than not having a drink in their hands. I know social media is fake, but when I’m just feeling so low, and always see them all weekend long, it’s just, well… it sounds really awesome to be able to just lose my mind once in awhile. I wouldn’t drink everyday, of course! Maybe once a week or once every couple of weeks.

I play the tape forward, and that’s not how it goes. The first week is fine. I drank, I felt fuzzy and then woke up not believing that I am back to day 1, after more than 3.5 years. My heart is racing and I don’t even want to think about drinking. “I’m cured!” I think to myself.

The following day, drinking is on my mind more, and then more the next day. I was going to wait for two weeks to do it again, but by the time Friday rolls around, I figure, “Why not?” And drink Friday and Saturday night. I keep my drinking contained to the weekends, and that lasts a month or so. Before I know what’s happened, I’m back to drinking nearly every single night.

No thank you, alcohol.

But, really, it’s still on my mind. I bought vodka a couple of weeks ago to make mint extract with my overgrowing mint leaves. I still have part of the pint left and up in my old drinking cupboard.

Also, I remembered about a relative who my mom once told me eats raisins soaked in gin every day. I immediately assumed she had a “problem” you know. I just found out that legit, eating 9 raisins a day that have been soaked in distilled gin containing real juniper berries– can help arthritis. So now gin is on my shopping list, and I believe that I’m not the first in my family to have rheumatoid arthritis. You let it evaporate, so I don’t think it’ll trigger anything with me- or cause any issues but I think that buying the vodka and now the gin, is just making me think a little extra about it.

I’m not ready to give in yet- hopefully never will. Gabby’s soul program will help too.

Day 1294, and definitely going through a bit of a rough patch. I am so close to 1300– let’s do this!! πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰

A Great Little Teacher

As you may have read in previous posts, I started teaching at a new school this fall. We didn’t have busses at my old school, so having to do bus duty at my new school is something new for me.

This means that we have certain assignments to help the students get to class after arriving.

DJ is my assignment, and has been since nearly day 1.

He is one of my students, and highly talked about during the first week of work– that week before students came.

DJ was born with cerebral palsy and walks with ankle braces to help keep his legs upright. He is new to my school this year, but not the district, and I talked to both his physical therapist and his previous special education teacher about how to support him.

Push him, Was the theme. He used a walker until last year, when a strong willed paraprofessional began to push him.

He didn’t fall, he flew.

It was evident that they didn’t want to see him regress.

The walker sits in my room, since the beginning of the school year.

I should also mention, that DJ is the type of kid that everyone loves. He’s full of smiles and good natured and all loving.

So.. every morning, he’s my duty. I get to greet him and his wide smile (his bus driver happens to be pretty awesome too<3 ). I grab his backpack with my arthritic hands, and swing it over my shoulders- sometimes with ease and other times in agony (their little backpacks are heavy!). I hold his hand while he walks down the giant bus steps and while we’re on the narrow sidewalk between parking lots.

Then, in the crowded sea of children hallway, I let him go.

The first few days, I worried so much. Would he fall? Roll an ankle? (I learned that the braces prevent that). I nervously held his hand all the way to his classroom.

DJ used to walk on the slow side. As I started to lesson my grip, he sped up. Now, he cruises to class– usually with me huffing and puffing behind with his backpack.

He doesn’t fall often, but it happens. Just yesterday, he took a big spill- he and his two sandwich bags full of chips and his water bottle (he was bringing his snack to my room). This time, though, my heart didn’t stop. And he was fine!

With a month of school under our belt, my principal started switching around some of our assignments.

She didn’t switch mine, but I panicked for a second at the idea.

I started this new job with awful and random leg/knee/mobility problems. You can’t tell me that getting this little boy situated every morning is a coincidence.

DJ inspires me every single day, and I think I need a dose of him every morning. He may have no idea, but he’s one of my greatest teachers ❀

Gross Week

It’s Wednesday and this week has stunk– like a trash can full of maggots.

On Monday, I wore some new (and I thought comfy?) shoes to work, but they caused tendonitis or some sh** because Tuesday and Wednesday, walking has been unbearable. I also had a recheck with Dr. Jeff on Monday. It came at a good time, as my left calf started to get swollen over the weekend and again the back of my knee ached.

He pressed on my kidneys and my right one was a little tender, so he gave me some kidney medicine and one other thing to add onto what I’m taking. I did end Monday with a huge dose of optimism! He said too many NSAIDS is why probably my kidney is acting up, and I promised him I would cut down.

Cue Tuesday morning. At 4:00am I went to sleep on the couch. I could barely walk- so I took Motrin and then AGAIN before leaving for work around 8! I had four doses, plus Tylenol and also too much today. UGH.

My grandmother is currently in the hospital- in ICU with fluid in her heart or lungs (I’m still getting details). I’ve been meaning to visit her for over two years now (she lives 40 minutes away, I am so ashamed of this) and am just so sad. I hope she improves and is okay.

Milo, our cat, is breathing so heavy/loud. It started last week when we all had Covid. My oldest took him to the vet yesterday. They said it’s all in his head and gave him oral antibiotics. I hope they’re right- but feel like it might be something worse. His appetite has slowly decreased this week, and his breathing is just so loud.

Prayers would be so much appreciated, for my grandma, my cat and my foot too.

** Update ** I just came on here to say that it’s finally almost the end of the day. I feel ecstatic that I made it through this tough workday! Here’s hoping and praying for a better pain day tomorrow πŸ™


For two and a half years, my brood has avoided the virus. We got it now.

My youngest tested himself on Friday night and was positive (he had cold symptoms and sat with a friend the day before who tested positive). My oldest tested himself on Sunday and was negative, tested again on Monday and was positive. I tested on Tuesday after work and was positive. Hubby hasn’t tested at all but is sick with fever/chills and now has a painful cough.

I feel happy to be off work for the rest of the week. I found out yesterday that I have to write an IEP for Monday (in my old district, it would have been done for me because it’s a new student- but my new district is a bit different and there’s a huge learning curve). I’m so thankful to have the time to dissect the psychologist’s report and scores, and learn the new system we’re now using for IEPs.

I feel happy to have my oldest here with us, because he works nearly every evening, and sometimes we go days without seeing each other at all. It’s nice to slow down for a minute.

Even Milo has a wheeze and congestion, he’s getting lots of cuddles πŸ’•

That’s it, on day #1282. We are grateful ❀️

Renewed Hope

It’s early Saturday morning, and I woke up with a lot of hope today.

I had the same amount of pain this week. By Thursday I had had enough and felt compelled to make an appointment. But with whom?

I thought of that integrative wellness center not far away and promptly called. From what I can gather, this place mixes traditional with Western medicine for optimal care. Perfect- right? Wrong. They didn’t have any appointments for the rest of the year. Their 2023 schedule isn’t out yet, so I was unable to make an appointment, but if I had, It wouldn’t have been till next year.

Then, I called my primary. The same primary that’s been irritating me the past couple visits with stupid nonsense. Like always commenting on my arms’ extra skin and asking if I’m planning on getting skin surgery. I think she actually giggled when I told her I had no interest in surgery and planned on visualizing the extra skin away.

After my last visit, I vowed to find a primary who was a little more holistic, but haven’t switched- or even found a new one yet. So I called the old primary and scored an appointment for 9am on Friday morning.

I’d have to take the day off work, and I got off the phone from making the appointment with a sour feeling in my stomach. In reality, I didn’t think she would be able to help me. I truly believe that she would check my organs, and assuming they’re fine, attribute this to my RA and tell me I’d have to see someone else, probably my rheumatologist. Maybe I should just cancel. I couldn’t stop thinking.

Incidentally, on Wednesday I randomly called Dr. Tent’s (world-renowned functional doctor/chiropractor who is local to me) office. Since it’s been over three years since I’d been there, I’d have to talk to the new patient lady to make an appointment. She wasn’t in, but would call me back on Thursday.

She called me back on my lunch break, as I continued to contemplate cancelling my appointment. She got my information and I was ready to take the first appointment, but was uncertain as to when that would be.

She had a cancellation Friday morning at 9am with Dr. Jeff! Out of the three doctors there, I feel that he is most knowledgeable about gut health, and since that’s been a huge area of focused healing for me, I thought it was perfect. I promptly took it and called my primary back to cancel. Now, my soul was happy feeling.

I was not feeling super optimistic going in. Connecting to people online with lymphedema made me realize that this is something you don’t really get rid of, which is horrifying and devastating all at once.

Dr. Jeff said I have an infection in my legs. Staff or Strep- or maybe both. He gave me a supplement that would fight the bacteria and also one that would help with the swelling/inflammation. He said it’s the closest thing he has to a steroid, but said it should help the problem pretty quickly. It’s a type of enzyme and when I looked it up after getting home, it did seem to have some amazing qualities– and so I’m optimistic.

I went in thinking that with the visit and recommended supplements, I’d be spending hundreds of dollars. I was happy to leave the office with renewed hope and a medical bill under $200. I go back in two weeks for a recheck, so if this doesn’t work- hopefully he has some other tricks up his sleeve- but we ain’t gonna talk about that cause it’s gonna work!!!!!

Also, before going in, I decided to take his advice on diet- even if I had to go back to AIP. I promised myself that if I was going to pay out of pocket and get my hopes up, then I was going to give myself the best chance for success- which doesn’t include taking the doctor’s directions half-assed.

No dairy, no problem!

Although the dietary directions seemed simple, I already screwed it up! I accidentally ate cheese with my lunch (it was a super organic microwave meal that I thought was dairy and gluten free- but it wasn’t dairy free and contained real cheese) and then the creamer I had with my restaurant coffee I had with dinner.

I can and will do better today πŸ’ͺ

So.. that’s all very exciting- right? The thought of not having do deal with these hot and heavy legs is like the sweet taste of heaven.

In other news, it’s been an exciting weekend– sort of.

We live on an acre and have an acre lot empty next to us that my mother and father-in-law own. We’ve been talking about buying it from them for several months-and trying to figure out if we should just buy 30 feet and have them sell the rest (we needed the 30 feet for an easement from that sewer project we had done). With the economy and not such secure jobs, it’s kind of scary- but in the end we bought the whole thing.

Our lot line was at the big bush behind the swing, but now goes all the way to the fence, which is a little ways past the volleyball net

We had written up a contract and took it to be notarized yesterday and gave them a check. So it’s officially ours πŸŽ‰βœ¨

Now I need to feel good enough to make something or do something with this land!

Also, this is the weekend that one of my heros, Timber Hawkeye, will be nearby. He’s visiting Finley Ohio for a Q & A session and booktalk for his new book. It’s only 90 minutes away and I’ve been excited for this date for months now.

Last night my youngest, who stayed home from school yesterday with a cough and runny nose, tested positive for Covid.

I don’t have symptoms, but hubby had a headache all day yesterday and wants to take a test- or just to isolate thinking that he might have it. I’m not sure I feel responsible visiting Timber with a covid positive in my household. So I don’t know if I’ll get to see Timber this evening. It’s sad, but in a weird way the thought of isolating all weekend makes me extremely giddy πŸ€”

That’s all for today, day #1277 alcohol free πŸ™Œ

Wishing you all a happy and healthy weekend πŸ’–