What started as a journal for quitting drinking has evolved into a spiritual and wellness journey. When I started this blog, I was in a bad place, physically, emotionally and spiritually- more so than I could even ever know- while blinded by the pillars of my vodka bottles and heaps of resentments. Early entries document not just weeks or months, but years of day 1’s.
Finally, in March of 2019, I put down the bottle for good.
Life has rewarded me exponentially, since then. The greatest lesson I’ve learned is that when I’m bothered by something or feel judgy about something or someone, it always, always comes back to me, and my insecurities.
For someone who once said, “I don’t have any resentments, I’m cool with everyone,” this was a huge eye-opener. I’ve learned that no matter what a person says or does, it’s not healthy to get angry over it. Ultimately, their behavior is only about themselves and more often than not, knowing this helps me have compassion for them, not anger.
The original name, The Devil Drinks Vodka, came to me during a long stretch which left me stuck in the cycle of addiction. I wanted to stop drinking, but I couldn’t. I knew that the Devil had me in the clutch of his hands, and that’s how this name was born.
My drinking fits The Pitcher Plant Theory to a tee. It was all fun and games in my 20’s. Somewhere during my 30’s, not sure exactly when, my drinking went from a hobby to a necessity. There’s no clear point in time that this happened. After I graduated college? After the 2nd baby? After the 3rd move?
In May 2016, I woke up with severe chest pains. I went in to get looked at and was diagnosed with Pleural Effusion. This could have a number of causes including the autoimmune disease I have, Rheumatoid Arthritis. In researching this condition at home, I discovered that it could also be caused by liver problems. I opened up to my general practitioner at a follow up appointment and asked for help for my drinking. I was met with misinformation and phone numbers that were dead ends.
Fast forward to July 2016; my drinking was as out of control as ever. I wanted to stop drinking but I had no idea how. I felt failed by modern medicine and that I was a hopeless case. I continued to drink the rest of 2016 away, vowing nearly every single morning to stop.
In 2017 I discovered, and started gathering tools that helped me quit for the first time. I relapsed after 93 days but learned a lot.
In 2018, I stopped drinking for 120 days, and felt amazing while doing so. But, again, I ended up in the drinking cycle for most of the year. The cycle was looking different though. I wasn’t drinking every single night. I was going 10-12 days without drinking and then would drink for 3-4. This was a vast improvement! I felt great during the periods of not drinking and didn’t understand why I kept relapsing, over and over again.
In 2019, I hit a low and decided that I was done. This was my last day one.
This blog is a genuine and raw journey that started when I was still in the jaws of the devil. My wish is that by sharing my story– someone who was as desperate as I was can find hope. ❤
#addiction #alcoholaddiction #alcoholic #recovery #addictionrecovery #soberliving