It’s been a long day where I’m struggling a bit with (mild) depression. I’m going to have to keep tabs on this, and may need to add back my Wellbutrin. I thought today would be a great day to float in the pool for a bit- it’s hot today for the first time all week. However, when I had planned on going out this afternoon- after getting some stuff done- I had zero motivation to step foot outside.

I did start the day with an hour walk- which was nice. Also, I had a success yesterday and only took Motrin and Tylenol twice. I didn’t take any before bed, because my pain was pretty mild. I was surprised at the amount of anxiety I had regarding skipping this dose- as I knew it might make for a tough wake-up in the middle of the night. I was smart though, and brought the meds to my nightstand in a little dish with a cup of water, just in case, and even included Benadryl in case I needed help sleeping if the pain was that bad when I woke up.

I woke up around 3:00 to go to the bathroom, and was sore but didn’t think it was bad enough to need the meds. I tossed and turned a little bit not being able to stop thinking about taking them. I woke up for good around 5:00 and took them shortly after. The pain wasn’t awful, but bad enough that I didn’t consider not taking them (it was around a 4).

The pain has been pretty mild today. It crept up to about a 4 around 2:00, so I took 2 Naproxen. It’s now around 5:00 and I may or may not need Tylenol and Motrin before bed-hopefully not!

I feel like it’s a bit of a balance act, and I need to try to wean my body off- even if I have to go through some pain. I’m hoping that the increase in Cat’s Claw will help with the inflammation more too. I’ve been icing my hands a lot- which really help with the pain and swelling.

I’m due for my Enbrel tomorrow, which is weekly. Every week I go back and forth as to whether or not I’m going to stop it. I didn’t last week because I didn’t want to feel any worse than usual while camping. I don’t think it’s doing a whole lot anyway, so it’s probably time. I’m just worried I’ll get worse, but really need to ditch the fear.

I watched a really good documentary on Amazon yesterday called Heal. One thing that was heavily emphasized was the importance of believing in your body’s ability to heal. I thought about my post about Prednisone the other day and how I said I’d give myself until August and then maybe go on it if I’m still bad. Maybe entertaining this thought at all is working against me. I realized that I should talk to my body as if it’s in the process of healing and only going to get better from here, well because it is. I need to believe this, 100%.

I listened to a couple great podcasts this morning from the Medical Medium. One was about the Epstein Barr Virus (feeds on heavy metals, causes arthritis) which I believe I have. The other one was about rheumatoid arthritis and psoriatic arthritis (which I have both) and how the virus feeding on copper causes PsA symptoms while the virus feeding on mercury causes RA symptoms. Both had a huge amount of relevant information and confirmed that I am doing so many things to #1 detox from heavy metals, and #2 stop eating foods that feed the virus. I have to admit that when he got to the food part and what you must cut out, I got really nervous. I’m so tired of playing around with my diet and new restrictions. I was very relieved to learn that I’m not eating any of the forbidden foods (dairy, eggs, gluten, pork- I was loose with gluten, but have been more strict the past few days- which could be why my pain has been more mild). I’m also doing much of the spiritual things to help (decreasing stress, not hanging onto anger, also incorporating tapping, grounding, Reiki and visualization).

There is no reason to not be 100% hopeful that my body is healing!

I did have a bit of a rough day with my oldest kiddo, who is 19. I woke up to a mostly gone bag of tortilla chips on the couch and steaks from last night left out. He looked at me like I was crazy when I reprimanded him (steaks were packed up- he did put them away but pulled them back out later to get something, and left them out, so he was confused..). I hated to yell at him first thing and right before he left for work, but I was so irritated.

Then he comes home for lunch. I had gone to the grocery store and had a few things that I hadn’t put away yet, one being a jar of salsa. He took it upon himself to open the new jar when we had one that was already opened in the fridge. I hate it when my family opens a new bottle when we already have an opened one. Fridge space is sacred man!

I was super crabby by now and got all over him. I hate being like that but couldn’t help feeling the anger. I was outside attempting to ground myself in bare feet when he went back to work- so twice he left during unresolved friction- it just felt awful.

Then, as I’m writing this post, he sends me a message. “I’m high and forgot my bag.” He’s diabetic! Well, I guess the grounding helped my attitude and anger, because I wanted to ignore the message, and did for a couple minutes before deciding that I had to take responsibility.

I wasn’t angry, and as he came out and grabbed it from me and said thank you, I just said, “I’m sorry you have to deal with this.” Meaning diabetes and bringing that damn bag everywhere. I think I was extra sensitive about it because when he first came home for lunch, I was on the couch, and he said something about the summer being great and easy. I said something to the effect of, I’m healing myself and I’m feeling awful, and missing the whole summer and don’t even want to go outside because the yard is a mess and I can’t really use my hands to do much of anything!

I thought about this as I brought him his bag and started to cry. If only he could heal himself- he will have to live with this forever, and it’s simply unfair.

I hope I’m less cranky tomorrow- and have the desire to be outside for a long time ❤

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